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#503755 - 11/09/16 09:37 PM Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure!
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2001
Loc: Minnesota
So how many times does the wheel have to be invented? Hell if I know? I want to talk about sex and sexuality as it relates to being real, and in some context bring up sexual trauma.

First my reality. I've always identified as a heterosexual male. I adore the female body, and most if not all my desire derives from wanting to explore that body with mine. I have sexually touched 3 women in my life. Two of them were when I was 15 and they likewise. Both times, we had both been drinking a little. The next time I had any sexual contact was with my now wife. She is whom I lost my virginity and I've been monogamous. When I write that, I think about what use my thinking would be to anyone?

Well, in context of being a survivor, and having issues with relationships, having been flirted with and had unwanted propositions for gay sex, coupled with 34 years of being with this same woman, I'll let the concern about usefulness lay with the reader.

For a reminder, I've been molested by two different, slightly older boys when 12-13 and 13 maybe 14. The 2nd was a one time thing, the first some weeks or months? Then I was raped when I was a few months 16.

What I think of when concerns about sex arise, has always been whether my manhood satisfies my girlfriend, and now wife. She is the only woman to be that intimate with me. I was terrified to get that intimate with her in the first place. She overcame my fear with her abandon for contact and no pressure. I had a talk with her once when we were making out. I said, "if this isn't working for you, I'll understand"? I don't know to this day if she understood what I was referring to, but whether she did or not, she got on me and had no issues.

I suffered horrible mental strain, disturbed self worth, unendurable self body shaming and loathing for all these years, until the session I had with my T about this issue. He being the first I've ever safely talked about it with. I was once rebuked by a doctor whom I asked about my problem? He rebuked me, told me there are all these guys with big dicks who have more problem with women than I do! God he pissed me off and left me embarrassed, more worthless and hopeless to ever deal with my problem. That was when I was about 24. Now I'm 55 and I'm only just thinking to let that horrible mental torture go. Just thinking about it is empowering. It's a relief to think that I am thinking about this in a way that takes the power of bullies from age 12-15 and throws it away!

What that does for me, only those who've truly been tormented, abused to become a soulless shell of a man, can know what I mean with this exact problem. I think most men will be like, you're just like all of us, we all worry about being compared. No, no you don't. If you had been bullied like I had, tormented and physically abused by these bullies, for years, and had no rescue, then molested during those same years, then we're seeing eye to eye.

This is the same thing about sexual trauma. Our csa and rape. We know this thing, because we endured it. We have strength and weakness in us that we get most intimately. Others surmise it. That's what I mean about being the target of manhood bullies. Yuh gotta have experienced it, to have it set hold of your soul and torment your mind for decades, and then we see and get each other. Because that's what's been my torment all these decades. Torment of visceral depth. I don't have clinical terms for this stuff, I have only been talking about this safely for less than a month. But, I am talking about it. Damn...

So, I think there are a lot of hang ups with any of us. Mine is my dick size, others it's a fixation on the penis (let's be safe with that one), more it's whether we've retained some need to be with men sexually, others have told of how difficult it is to be intimate at all (why try?). There's a plethora of issues about sex, our body and whatever context our trauma brings with it.

A subject I've read some about, and am wanting to talk about is acceptance of what we behave like in context of all the above. Acceptance of myself, my littler than average and out of proportion manhood to my body, and being terrified to be intimate coupled with my capacity to be human and accept the natures of others sexuality and sex identity, added to that how I include all our safe human natures (note there are limits), and to me, I've grown a lot emotionally since I was 12. I want to bring up my 12 year old self, without the shame and torment, and molestations, then the rape. Well, the word "without" is some kind of metaphor for being there for him, to let my molested and raped child know, that the adult he's become loves, cares, adores, and desires to help him all the way up to the present.

Damn....

There are some more things to ponder. This is enough for now.

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#503766 - 11/10/16 01:30 AM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 344
Loc: MO
I was trying to respond for twenty minutes to you but it all disappeared. I will t ry again after I less frustrated. Maybe tomorrow.

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#503795 - 11/10/16 08:51 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: genedebs]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2001
Loc: Minnesota
genedebs, know I read some of the posts linked to you and have been reading many others. That's why I started my post/thread with "reinventing the wheel". That doesn't mean I am not serious, nor working on this real, human and viscerally emotional detail of my life. And so many I've read here.

Coupled with my T session about this, and the willingness of those here before me, I am able to look at this, be real, vulnerable, human and genuine. My heart aches for me, for my 12 yr old abused boy. I want to protect me, to make it all right.

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#503819 - 11/11/16 02:33 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3576
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I'm right there with ya even though my own experiences are a bit different

I've been on the recovery path for about 15 years now and have to admit that I still struggle with what hangs between my legs

being physically/mentally/sexually abused during my youth left me with an a deep seated hatred of my genitals that is still locked in the recesses of my mind (though I have been able to greatly reduce the negative voices within me)

I am now married with a daughter of my own and I find myself at times still questioning my "manhood" - crazy - is'nt it

My adult self has to keep reminding the younger one locked within me that there is nothing wrong with being a male

The adult you are now really can do a LOT to calm the 12yo within you - yes, it takes time - but it is worth it
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#504740 - 12/12/16 05:36 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
intochange Offline


Registered: 02/13/15
Posts: 74
Loc: Ithaca, NY
Once that silence is broken, I get torrents of thoughts and emotions. My goal is to be able to sit quietly, comfortably silent. Work, work, work. I want to replace fearful and angry silence with love and patience, and above all balance.
_________________________
intochange

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#506634 - 02/17/17 05:21 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
YutoG Offline


Registered: 02/15/17
Posts: 17
Loc: UK
I'm a bit speechless @ceremony. I don't really know how to write what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I get so much of what you've written an it's scary seeing thoughts I've had but didn't know I've had written down by someone else. I'm always conscious of my masculinity and always have felt like I'm not enough. Bullied a lot as a kid always compared to my better siblings in terms of body size (I'm skinny my brothers are well built and taller) and always struggled with whether I'm enough for women. Always worrying they won't be satisfied so much it's all I can think about when I'm with women so much I can't do anything with them. I want to accept myself like you said in your first post but how????

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#506637 - 02/17/17 07:33 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1872
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I envy men!
I hate it. what can you do?
Thanks Rick for your post.

hugs.
James

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#506640 - 02/17/17 07:59 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: YutoG]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2001
Loc: Minnesota
I had a bit of a hard time over the holidays, which is to say, I knew I wrote this post but let it go. I'm grateful to all responses, the kindness and relating is immeasurably helpful.

YutoG, your post brought this back to the top of "Active Topics" and thank you James, my dear friend ((hugs)).

YutoG, Know that there are many posts already on this Forum, and those helped get me motivated to dig deep into my personal tortures. Couple that with my long standing uninhibited stance toward posting online, and here I am.

So, we get each other, like many here. They can make note again, if they wish. I've read back into the Forum, and there are old posts, and some here in this thread letting us know our shared experiences, and mindset. I think I was 22 when I first experienced sex? I'm not sure anymore. I was so scared, so sure of being unsatisfactory, that it just seemed surreal. I was really ready with lust, just so wishful, so desiring, that the moment was right. The situation too, so it just seemed we two were of a like mind to just let go and go for it.

If that hadn't been the case, if there were expectations built into it, that we were consciously anticipating sex, getting ready, hoping into bed, under the covers? I don't know? It wasn't like that. It just happened.

I've always been tall, and back then skinny. I felt a weakling, and my voice has always, and to me still is effeminate. When I hear recordings of myself, I'm very concerned that I sound too feminine. I catch myself trying to lower my tone and slow my pace a bit. It seems silly. Can't I just be me? Then of course the bullying thoughts are just waiting to pop up.

The bullies did a horrid number on me! The mental torture has been the most devastating predicament of my life. I can't get their words, their voices of derision and mockery out of my head! So cruel, so evil in it's attempt to demean, dehumanize me!

We can personal message about this if you want to have more ideas of what I think about coping? I'm pretty sure I will post about anything about this on these Forums. I have a will to avoid being denied this chance to heal. To me it's my last chance and motivation is self survival. I have to get this done, it has to get better. The support here returns replies that it does get better, and I can see some of that, but the deep hurt, painful pit in my stomach, the tight shoulders, the pressure behind my eyes, and propensity to break out crying, has let me know there's a lot of work ahead.

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#512798 - 06/30/17 12:52 AM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 344
Loc: MO
I responded to this thread In November, more than 7 months ago. Even though it is 4 months since you last visited this topic, Im felt I had to share my experience.

I too have a small dick. But it also doesn't work. Erectile disfunction. When you take 80 milligrams of paxil, viagra doesn't work. My tongue wrks fine and when I can't maake my penis work, I can always lick her clit (to orgasm).

I did much more of dehumanizing than the others ever could. I had a response called depersonalization. I really thought I was a machine.

Coping is all I ever had. Often needing to perform above my expectations just to be comfortable in my skin. My first sex act with a woman I started by licking her clit to orgasm. She thought I wanted her to " return the favor" One zof the times m brother molested me he told me if I liked that I was homosexual. So I told her no. I don't like it The only oral sex I had was with perps. I coulnot disclose my csa. So she told the thers I was not new to sex and it had been a lie.

So although I have had more experience than you have, not much. The first I just talked about. My girlfriend in high school. 4 women in college,, One of whom I married and stayed married 25 years (before she threw me out of the house), I am no saint I had five one night stands during those 25 years. One with a man.


The point of this is coping in part by not having and open and vulnerable truth session. May be if I had been willing to be open and honest it would have been different. But it takes two. She thought I should get over the csa. She even refused to take a picture (taken when I was 12 when my mother directed me to be naked for her photographer friend) down from the cabinet. I new when tje picture was taken I was naked, And emarrassed. But, it was more important to display her power than to treat me with dignity.

I don;t think it mwoild hsve worked in my life, but maybe in your.

Go WITH GOD

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#512816 - 06/30/17 06:41 PM Re: Sexual triggers? Perhaps. Thoughts = for sure! [Re: Ceremony]
DanielQ432 Offline


Registered: 03/31/17
Posts: 296
Loc: Midwest
Hi guys, I know this thread is 8 months old - and I wasn't a member back then at all, didn't know this site existed. Again, because of the specific nature of my CSA experiences with my father, the age when things happened, my feelings about him and I think also especially because of his mental health issues specifically revolving around gender identification (transvetitism, believing he had a monthly period and urinating into Kotex to simulate menstrual blood, picking on me and calling me a fa****), I have attitudes towards sex, gender roles, and sexual issues that seem a little different than many CSA survivors here, who seem more likely to have been assaulted, more specifically raped, from say 8 or 10 to their early-mid teens, more often by brothers, older young adult males, sometimes females, or by males who were not fathers but authority figures, priests, coaches, etc.

As far as my physical body image, how I perceive myself, and how I feel as a man, I have so many of the same issues as expressed above, plus a different twist on that.

I think every guy thinks about penis size at some point, it seems "normal" to compare yourself and wonder if you measure up. Our culture jokes about it, makes jokes about small dicks and big dicks, so it's not necessarily something that isn't in the mind of many, but again, mainly too taboo to talk about openly, so it comes in through the back door, such as comedy/parody, or in "bawdy talk" situations, Penthouse magazine articles back in the old days, now advertisements on porn sites for "male enhancement" etc. Porn, being widely available now, also doesn't help, since of course much pornography, especially anything professionally produced as a product (vs. "home movies" done by amateurs) will feature guys on the large size of average, and 99% of them are also shaved almost completely hairless so they appear even bigger.

Well, I'm "average" in length, but I am definitely not "thick" like many of the guys you see. I suppose in that sense, I could "get the deed done" if that had ever been an option in my life.

What I worry a lot more about, without ever having addressed it, and because a lot of it again comes from emotional, warp-thinking worry rather than intellectual thought and application of facts - fertility, my specific ability to impregnate a woman and father a child if I were ever in the position to do that. Which, since I never have been and never will be, is a moot point. But, it still stings at me and I wonder.

Because, one of the quirks of fate that just really blew up the entire CSA thing again in my life, and just played a thousand percent into old perverto dad's torment of me, was that at 12 1/2, over Christmas break, I developed a condition known as testicular torsion, where the testicle gets out of position, twirls around on the arteries and veins feeding into and out of it, and cuts off the blood supply, in, out or both. In my case, at 12 1/2 and not yet in puberty at all, my left testicle swelled in about 24 hours from the normal size to about the size of a softball - along with a very high fever, vomiting, chills, dizzyness, extreme pain from my waist to my knee. And, being caught in that house, I was terrified to say anything, so it wasn't until I was obviously really sick I ended up at the ER. Then, it was too late, all they could do was remove it, the testicle had already died, which is the usual outcome anyway.

So, one testicle, I was always like, "does that leave me less of a male, would I produce enough semen, would I produce enough sperm" - which was always moot since my upbringing and thought processes told me I could never be a father, emotionally, and biology told me not to risk passing on some genetic component of severe mental illness.

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