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#506604 - 02/16/17 07:23 PM Re: my relationship guide [Re: greenwizard]
greenwizard Online   content


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 155
Loc: PA
Yeah, things are looking up a little bit. When I met her she was working at McDonald's under a terrible manager with few hours and crap pay. I mean, this was a female manager, and when she went out to the dining area to bring a guy his food they were holding on he grabbed her ass. She smacked him. This manager came out and apologized to him for her behavior and threatened to fire her over it. Yes, female employees at that place are just supposed to take any kind of abuse the customers feel like giving out. She even once came home out of sorts because some guy decided that after asking for no pickles on his cheeseburger but accidentally getting pickles anyway he could tell her she was such a worthless piece of crap she should just kill herself because she couldn't make a cheeseburger right. Mind you, she didn't make the cheeseburger, just took his order. During this screaming match while the manager hid in her office the guy who did make the order came to her defense and told the customer to chill. That made the manager come out real fast and again apologize profusely to the customer for the employees being worthless and talking back, and the guy was threatened with being fired. Some people, seriously... I have always found that when a mistake is made on my order just grabbing someone's attention and calmly pointing out the mistake gets it fixed no problem 9 times out of 10.

Anyway, the wife of one of her co workers she became friends with pointed her to the place she was working on the Turnpike. Much better pay with a much better environment. During the summer travel season the money was really good. The downside was she started working like 60 hours a week, which leaves me by myself more. My support system was hardly ever home, but we were better able to put food on the table and she's been much happier. It really made her day when a customer started screaming at her for something and a manager came right out and told the customer to chill or leave.

The winter slow season has been a little tougher. She's home more, but we aren't seeing the money we were in the summer. Corporate got a bug up their butts about labor costs, so now she works more like 35 hours a week. Still, she's making a dollar more an hour now, and at McDonald's she was only getting like 20 hours a week. I'm not being handed $50 and being told that's our grocery budget for 2 weeks anymore.

She comes from a history of emotional abuse as a child. I've met her mother, and I see it myself. She did drop a bit of a bombshell on me this morning, she's apparently a Domme and has decided it's finally safe to tell me. The ball is completely in my court as to what to do with that information at least. I've got some things to figure out now.

I can say that at least the lines of communication between us are open enough that I can still express how I feel.

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#506656 - 02/18/17 01:26 AM Re: my relationship guide [Re: greenwizard]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2524
Loc: durham, north england
@Green wizard, that is a great story, and also a good name, ---- are you named after the green wizard Carolinus in the flight of dragons film? A personal favourite of mine that one laugh.

If you've not come across it [url="C:\Users\Luke\Favorites\utube stuff\Flight of Dragons - Opening Sequence - YouTube.url"]Here is the opening sequence[/url] showing said wizard and one of his dragons.

My story is actually remarkably similar.

I was genophobic, (afraid of s/x), for years due to abuse as a teenager, mostly by girls. I couldn't even take my shirt off in public.
while the story of how my lady and I got together is rather different, also long, protracted and full of quite amusingly romance cliche moments, what happened was remarkably similar to what you describe.

I'd told my lady about the abuse and my genophobia, before we got together, I even asked her to give me my first kiss.

When we finally came to it, she was extremely patient and above all honest, indeed one of the things that helped hugely with my genophobia was simply understanding how much pleasure I could give her! that I wasn't automatically going to hurt someone just because of my feelings.
Discussions also let us discuss the mechanically, eg, what I would and would not find triggering, indeed I have probably told her more of what happened than anyone.

Some other things we've found helpful were reading Alex comfort's the joy of s/x together, and indeed his sequel, more joy, which not only gave us things to try out and let us discuss different preferences, moods, styles etc, but also gave us a rather better vocabulary for talking about what we did than the crass, unpleasant language that is usually used and was for me another part of my abuse.

she's also my best friend, heck we can just chat about books or duettes for hours (since we're both classically trained singers, which is actually part of how we met).

The fact that I'm out of the hole I've been stuck in for such a long time, is entirely due to my lady, and as of last July my lady is now my wife!

So I definitely understand just how valuable having someone you love to help with genophobia is, and congratulations.

As for what you say about her being a "domme" to be honest those sorts of rules are very flexible anyway, indeed this is one area where I quite liked comfort since rather than talking of one partner "dominating!" another, he talks of the "instrument" and the "player", even in more exotic scenarios, since it's just as much the player's job to give pleasure to the instrument as the other way around.

My lady and I tend to be fairly two way on such things, often switching roles, there is something of a %60 %40 bias in my lady's liking to be the instrument, but likely no more than that since I myself preer both roles.
It sounds like your lady Green wizard is both extremely kind, and also quite willing to talk over and explain things, and also be very much concerned with her love for you. Preferences in love making are like anything else you do together, always better when explained, discussed and understood between you, another reason I'd recommend reading Alex Comfort.

This is actually wy I realize both just different abuse is to making love done properly, turning a beautiful, intimate conversation into yelling insults at someone through a megaphone, and also why i realize that the traditional "man perform, woman passively give" nonsense " is indeed just outmoded, disgusting dehumanising utter crap, sexist on both counts.

Luke.
e

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#506665 - 02/18/17 11:34 AM Re: my relationship guide [Re: greenwizard]
greenwizard Online   content


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 155
Loc: PA
Dark empathy, I'm glad you also found a good lady. Good women are awesome! We have been talking and trying to figure out how she can get what she wants while I'm still reasonably comfortable. We took some very small baby steps this morning, and while I wouldn't call it that pleasant for me, it's normal I guess to do things you're not necessarily thrilled with to make your partner happy. Maybe this will be like everything else and my comfort will grow over time. There is definitely a difference between forced sex and willingly making love. When I'm relaxed, happy, and in the mood it can really be a great thing.

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#506794 - 02/21/17 08:25 AM Re: my relationship guide [Re: greenwizard]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2524
Loc: durham, north england
Actually Green wizard, the fact that you didn't enjoy it and weren't comfortable rings something of alarm bells for me.
even when your focused on someone else's pleasure, it should not automatically be unpleasant for you, indeed both for myself and my lady often we get the most pleasure focusing on the other person, even when we've tried things that are unconventional.

Since it sounds like your lady is extremely understanding, I'd suggest bringing this up and discussing this, since getting to know what the other person likes or doesn't like, how they prefer to be touched, what moods and styles and other things are needed etc is all part of loving someone, both in terms of the act, and in more general terms as well as part of everything else you do together.

I can again recommend Alex comfort here, especially if you stop occasionally and discuss things.

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#506843 - 02/21/17 08:51 PM Re: my relationship guide [Re: greenwizard]
greenwizard Online   content


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 155
Loc: PA
The way I see things, she does things for me all the time. It doesn't kill me to give a little back. She got a lot of joy out of it I think. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be.

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