Hi. I don't really know where to start. I'm nervous about posting on here bc ive never spoken about any of this stuff with anyone. It's just all getting too much to have in my brain and I think I need help. So much stuff has happened over the years I think I just accepted it as what happens, but I can't do it anymore.
Ive spent years and years just pushing all this shit to the back of my mind and convincing myself nothing ever happened and that if any thing did happen it wasn't like it wasn't normal or anything. Ive been I guess you'd say sexually abused when I was a kid and as a teenager. Then I think raped as an adult but I don't know if it was rape. I really hate that word btw I don't even like thinking it bc I just feel like none of what happened to me bc I've spent so long not thinking about it I guess.
I guess I should explain whats brought me here.... I think I kind of need to start at the end first...
Im 26 and I work in marketing. About 6 months ago I got made redundant from my last job but before that I got made redundant two times before so you could say its been a seriously shitty couple of years. So when I got this new job I was real thankful bc a friend recommended me and I don't want to make him look bad and just dont want to mess it up at all.
From like day 1 my boss like the owner of the company started doing weird stuff that already made me feel super odd and stuff. I don't think he's gay or anything but from my first day he started asking me in front of the whole office if I'm gay and saying it's ok if I am bc they're an equal opportunities workplace and shit. So I said no bc I don't think I am? But I don't know. Its real complicated. I dont want to be like theres nothing wrong with that or anything I know but I dont want it. But I have gone with guys in the past but more with girls and I just don't know. It's too confusing to work out so I just try to ignore it most of time but I do get asked from time to time bc I guess Ppl think I look gay? Im not v masculine I guess and I look different so ppl ask sometimes. but id seriously be disowned im Japanese and my whole family is super traditional and against any of that even though we moved to the uk when I was a kid they still go by traditional Japanese values. Sorry I know I'm rambling.
Anyway Nothing else really happened too much for a while just a few stupid comments and shit then when I was in the kitchen about 3 months ago he came up behind me and put his hand on my ass and said right in my ear that he'd like to be inside me. I freaked out inside and felt like everything was spinning but I just went back to my desk and finished the day.
I guess Im just real good at burying memories and shit bc I don't know how long it had been since I thought about any of my past or anything up until then but as soon as he did that I just couldn't stop all these thoughts from coming into my head. Its messed me up so badly. And now I don't know if my boss was just joking or whatever but hes kept doing shit like that since. I can't figure out if hes joking or if he's serious and it's messing me up so much.
I don't want to lose my job or anything bc it was really hard to get this job and I need it. He keeps saying shit in front of the office like saying I'm to pretty to be a guy and any guy could mistake me for a girl in a nightclub and shit. He keeps putting his hand on my ass too like even this week I was doing an announcement to the office bc we hired someone new and he asked me to tell everyone and he came up behind me while I was talking and did it. I didn't know what to do so I just acted like he wasn't doing it.
So now I can't stop thinking about all this shit in my head and I'm thinking more and more about stuff that's happened over the years. Like it was such an oh shit moment the i day id never thought about this stuff that happened in years and I just realised it wasn't ok what happened. Its when I realised those words like sexual abuse and rape maybe apply to me. Makes me feel sick and like my skin isn't my own don't know if that makes any sense at all.
Sorry I know I'm talking in riddles. I don't want to confront anything in my head but I need to get it out to. I can't think straight anymore since I started thinking about it and it feels like I can't push it away anymore. I keep trying to and then I think I've got it controlled and he says something or whatever and I'm just back at square one. So I don't know what to do about him bc he's prob just being a jerk and joking bc it's a v unconventional workplace like lots of drinking, joking, lads banter and shit. But I also need to sort this shit out.
God sorry I know this is a mess of a post I thought I'd be able to organise shit better but apparently I can't. I'm just going to post this as it is bc otherwise I'm just going to delete it all and pussy out.