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#50613 - 03/07/03 07:07 AM Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
Ross Offline

Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 34
Loc: Vancouver, BC Canada
I remember as a kid seeing the Wizard of Oz. The part where the witch gets watered and melts away into the ground really stuck with me. Sometimes, when the night is not quite over and I wake up sweating in stress from a hellish abuse dream, I think of that scene as I anxiously wait for dawn to spread itself across the bed.

I feel like that witch sometimes, particularly when caught up in the more powerful moments of my own self hatred. Like her I am slowly melting as the acid of this hatred for self and others pulls all that I am or will be into oblivion.

A while back I finally sought out a diagnosis regarding the variety of presenting symptoms I have struggled with for many years. I received the same exact assessment from two doctors, with the last one providing a solid, thoughtful second opinion. That was a very difficult moment for me as it was all that I expected with some dessert added.

I consider myself to be a strongly functional human being in certain areas. The man I am,(or appear to be), the one that acts caringly, ethically and professionally towards others in the world around me, is respected, occasionally loved, and generally appreciated by most individuals in the places where I work.

Yet I wonder at the great irony that internally I have been gradually melting away a piece at a time as illness wound its way through my life. I had a pretty clear sense as to what the diagnosis would be long before I reached the doctor's office. I work in an area where such assessments are common and worked with daily. Over the years it gradually became clear to me that I was in the process of being overtaken by a wave I would not ride be capable of riding out alone on my own board.

For years I fought tooth and nail against these presenting symptoms using all my learned skills in counselling, lifeskills application, emotional management, strategic intervention etc,etc. Eventually, like a hunted animal, I came to a point of exhaustion and emptiness. My body had no more resources to contribute to the fight and my internal strength finally failed as I crashed into a heap.

Like many I went through a number of cycles of depression that occasionally included thoughts of suicide. Over time, the thought of taking myself out by my own hand became a comfortable exercise to escape to in times of acute stress. This continued ideation on a regular basis quietly led to planning, fixation and action. I have read, researched and studied many things in my life and the fact freak that I am caused me to look into the issue of self destruction with the same zeal.

Over time I developed my own code of going out quietly and properly, like a blood red rose falling to the divine wind and as a Samauri in the way of Bushido I would not miss. There would be no mistakes or calls for help made in the first-take scenario I was constructing for myself. The methodology I developed was competent, quick and it gave me a strange detached calmness that led me very close to the point of final actualization. What I failed to realize is that such a path carefully followed has a power of its own that captivates the walker and before realizing it I was seriously enmeshed within the process.

To make a long story short I secured the means, began getting my affairs in order and moving ever closer to the point of exiting my life. All my plans were almost set and I had not let any real indication of the seriousness of my intention out to anyone. Interestingly I continued to be calm, almost emotionally flat about it, like I was travelling through to the end of a flight on GPS oriented instrumentation. No muss or fuss, just big bubbles without any troubles.

One evening, completely out of the blue, I had a very vivid dream. In the dream, after walking through a dense forest, I was standing on one side of a great river. On the other side I saw a trail leading up into a meadow, mountains and a beautiful sunrise. The other side of the river seemed like heaven to me and it was thrilling beyond words to see such beauty. In the middle of the river was a narrow wooden bridge and I heard a presence saying to me to freely cross and enter into peace. I was disturbed by this dream for a while as it was very powerful, evocative in its symbolic illustration of God's presence and a clear invitation to enter into a place of peace. It could have been and invitation to life or death I suppose, depending on the viewer's perspective. In spite of the dream I remained determined to carry out my plans and it faded from my memory.

Some time after this dream I was in a local store purchasing a part of my plan and I was suddenly engulfed by a wave of anxiety/stress and I remembered the dream. I quickly left the store and walked home and on the way I think the process that helped me to choose to go on living began.

I don't always know what to do at times and being ill with PTSD, GAD and their associated complications is difficult for me. I am very proud about self reliance and it is so hard to let go of my internal shell. In addition, I have spent a significant part of my working life in a helping profession and it has been hard to face the physical reality of my own illness.

I do know I want to keep living and I worry about the place of emptiness I nearly went to and fear to go again. In that place it is very possible to become set on a course of action that the finality of self destruction is forgotten. Now when I am overtaken in my stress or dismay I ask for help, quickly. It is amazing how the help arrives from others. Importantly this oasis is one of those places.

I think we all hurt so much because of what has happened to us in our childhood that it often feels like the pain will never stop. I know that there have been occasions when the nightmare that is my childhood has held me so tightly in its embrace that I have longed for death to take me.

I hope we all get to the place of peace together and it is not necessary for any of us to fall by our own hands.



#50614 - 03/07/03 09:27 AM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
Troy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/04/03
Posts: 12
Loc: West Coast
Hello Ross...You have a way with words. They flow from you beautifully. It is a gift. Despite the dark points of your note, there were places filled with light and love. I often desire for life to only be about those places of love and light. I would fight for it...and have...and would again. I think the most valuable things in the Universe are light and Love. This is why it hurts us so deeply when love is not fulfilled within our hearts as we imagined it was meant to be. Only those whose hearts were so open can feel such pain...and it causes many people to close themselves off.

I believe self-hatred is often a matter of being angry at ourselves for being closed. It does not matter who 'closed' that door into us, if it was done by an abusive individual, or by our own hand. I think we are all a little angry our doors can be shut...leaving a beautiful, unique creation inside which just wants more than anything to be give share in the wonderment with someone they can fully trust, heart and soul, so our fragile hearts will never break again.

You are a man who carrys a great deal of weight, willingly and gladly, to help those around you. This is your choice. I think you can do this because you have so much to give, so much inside your own heart. And you also realize there are few willing to carry even their own burdens, let alone those of others. You have much strength within you. Rather than deny it, embrace it and be at peace in your exploration of it. Your vision came to you, I believe, because of dire plans which you had set in stone to take your own life. It was a message for you....just for you. It was a message to tell you something very simple - "You are not alone". Through the past, and through the pain, you have never been alone, but you have felt alone. And you feel alone now. But you are not alone, Ross. I think the dream scared you because the invitation may have seemed unclear in your mind at the time. Was is an invitation for a peaceful death from God? Or was it an invitation to open your heart once again to God's peace and Love? Your choice, while you torment yourself over it, was not a wrong choice. God does not give us 'wrong' choices. Thus, your choice was valid...and you chose to wait. But you also chose NOT to take your own life and to end your suicide planning.

You may not consider yourself a spiritual man. And despite what some moderators may think at MS, I do not talk about religion. The simple matter of the fact is are NOT alone. God is with you. You also have great courage and strength within you, and you carry much more than you need because of your special abilities. You help people, Ross. It is time for you to help yourself. Let the past go. Do not trouble your mind that you think about things in too much detail to sort them out. Just be wise to also take time to fill your mind with positive thoughts. Dark thoughts will flee from the light. Just thinking about dire things does not speak for our actions. Actions speak much louder than thoughts. And words speak also louder than thoughts. It's ok.

Let your exploration of dark ideas and blame melt into non-existance like the witch from OZ. That is the witch troubling you. Let your self-hatred melt away, for it will reveal your own inner light! You are much more like the Tin Man, Ross - someone so special and sensitive, they went in search for their own heart because they were too humble to realize they had one. On a final note, that dream? It was very special. Such invitations are not limited to specific times and dates, Ross. They are forever. You will find what you need, brother.

Love in Life...(Troy)

#50615 - 03/07/03 04:39 PM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
andrew-almost52 Offline

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Thank you for both postings Ross and Troy. Man-o-man, now that was the language of healing! I love you guys! Peace, Andrew

#50616 - 03/07/03 07:29 PM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Ross.....your post really moved me.....i know how exactly how you were feeling because i live in that abyss every day and i'm drawing so very tired of the living....i'm glad you were able to take the vision and put it to good use....i'm very envious....i'm glad you were able to stop yourself, i feel i'm getting closer and closer to not being able to stop myself anymore...take care....michael

#50617 - 03/07/03 08:05 PM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Ross and all of us,

Thanks for your words of hope and victory--and faith in the victory that will come.

In my worst times I try to get to a Synphony, visit the art museum or go see a live play on stage. Somehow, those things seem to throw a switch for me that I can then continue with my own CDs or Videos or whatever I can get my hands on. I know what I am doing. I don't pretend otherwise. The important thing is that I need to have that switch thrown.

Here is a question to all of us. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. What will it take for us to stop loathing ourselves and fully accept that what we often hate so much in ourselves comes as a direct result of our having been betrayed and violated, perhaps exploited and then called rotten names by the bastard who harmed us?

We seem to believe the damned fool. We seem to think that he was the victim in some way.

Donald of NY posted a powerful and gut wrenching post on the victim impact statement of a 17 year old boy confronting the preist/Friend? or fiend, who harmed him. While it brought tears to my eyes, the kid said in effect--"screw you! I am going to live to the fullest and my future is VERY BRIGHT." It was terrific.

But still, we will hate ourselves, hate it that we are men, hate that we have sexual desires, hate that we were so impacted that we "acted out"--a term I despise.

Any ideas guys? Why should we loathe ourselves for what we have absolutely no control over?

Great respect to all of you--me too.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#50618 - 03/07/03 08:49 PM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Absolutely beautiful, Ross.

I saw the forest and the stream and the meadow across, just from your words!

Even as we struggle we help others. Yet, I, for one, cannot see this value in me.

A quagmire, a morass, a slogging soup of misunderstanding seems to be our fate. But is it?

I am sure it isn't our only fate, at least right at this very moment I am sure; check back in a couple of days, or minutes.

Love to all my brothers here, and those we have not yet met.


And let the darkness fear our light.

#50619 - 03/07/03 10:32 PM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Ross, powerful post.

Troy, powerful response.

Thank you.

Bob: "Any ideas guys? Why should we loathe ourselves for what we have absolutely no control over?"

No ideas Bob, I'm clueless on this one too! There is no reason or logic to anything about SA it seems.

But if I keep asking myself that question long enuf, maybe it will no longer be a question that needs to be asked.

And I can just say, "Loathe myself? Hey, I love myself!"

And that I do have control over.

Good question Bob thanks.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#50620 - 03/08/03 12:22 AM Re: Help me when I am melting. **caution Very Intense caution**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Keep walking my friend, cross that bridge into the meadow.
Even if it has a dual meaning at the time you dreamt it still cross it. Once you have you will make the meadow your own, do with it as you will.
We owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward.

But what can I add after Troy's reply ? not much else to say.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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