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#506105 - 01/30/17 03:02 AM Masturbation Shame Discussion
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Hey Guys,

One of my issues has been self-abuse and shaming myself. This mindset started before my abuse in 8th grade.

I was taught negative things about sex by my legalistic, religious parents. They meant well, but they messed up when trying to bring me up and their intentions backfired. I blame them for my gay fantasies and lack of interest in women up until now, perhaps.

I never go the chance to learn about masturabtion. It occurred to me in secret, and in shame.

When I discovered it at age 10 I was frightened and ashamed, but overwhelmed with the pleasure. I felt utterly ashamed of myself. The shame continued. I was put into a school where I had no friends and was bulled. I started using masturbation to get me to sleep at night, because I would stay up torturing myself over all the things I had done "wrong" while trying to make friends. At some point, I realized that I had was attracted and turned on by boys at that age (ages 10-13). I felt like a vile person. I have dealt with terrible, shaming feelings for boys up until now. I still have fantasies about them, but I'm much more okay with it now than I used to be, thankfully.

I have been deeply ashamed of my masturbation my whole life. It has been driven by anxiety, and it became an addiction. My church teaches that it's selfish and wrong, and the solution to sexual temptation is to get married. I was given a somewhat shitty education about sex. I was taught frightening, negative things about losing my innocence and my virginity. I've never felt comfortable with myself as a sexual being, consequently. I am still a virgin and would like to get married and have kids. I'm working towards accepting myself as a sexual being, and even accepting the 10-year-old-boy in me as a sexual being. Nurturing him, affirming him.

Any tips on what has worked for you to enjoy masturbation more, feeling less guilt about it? I am trying to be gentle with myself, and trying not to use masturbation as my default solution to anxiety. (I can't really enjoy myself or go slow if I'm anxious and desperate for relief and relaxation.) I am also trying to only do it every couple days, but to really enjoy it and take my time and not HAVE to do it every day.

What are your masturbation stories?

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#506109 - 01/30/17 04:29 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion *Triggers [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2487
Loc: Minnesota
This is probably a triggering topic? I think teaching shame is deplorable. Teens masturbate, leave 'em be! Pre-teens might be curious, and to me, that's not sexuality, it's natural curiosity with one's body. I must admit, I knew nothing until about 15. Though I kissed a girl in 3rd grade. I didn't have a clue what it was.

My puberty was a horrific time of bullies shaming my body. Shaming my unmanly looks and never growing parts! By 15, maybe a part of me hoped that someday things would be better? But, at 12, 13 and 14 bullies destroyed me. 15 too, but by then I hid better. Girls were so much more interesting too, but that didn't matter. And age 15, my life was not mine to have a chance. I was taken out of school for skipping, and seeming out of control. My mom must have thought I had plans that made me skip, or show anger? That I was a threat? So, taken out of school, put in various places while I was "treated". A horrible rejection of being. I wad thrown away. So, self exploring was about my only comfort.

I didn't really find it much use until about 18. Since then, and now having been married 32 years, No big deal. No shame. I hope you find your safe zone, and become comfortable.


Edited by Ceremony (01/30/17 04:32 AM)

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#506116 - 01/30/17 12:27 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion *Triggers [Re: Winterfr3sh]
motmcd Offline


Registered: 08/15/12
Posts: 276
Loc: PA
Retracted


Edited by motmcd (01/31/17 11:26 AM)
Edit Reason: Wordsmithing

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#506123 - 01/30/17 03:47 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion *Triggers [Re: Winterfr3sh]
manipulated Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/26/14
Posts: 726
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Winter

You are not alone with your struggles. It helped me, when I had faith, to remember who created me. Who wired me. Who gave me physical responses. And to remember that the people who condemn and judge are just that: fallen people. Usually trying to impose their own hangups on others.

Did a Saviour come to condemn or save from the perverted condemnation of people beginning since the fall?

Rejoice in the way you were made, the way you respond, the way you feel. I know not conventional teachings in my church either and hard to accept at first. just like the facts:
You were a victim.
It is/was NOT your fault.
It is not now nor has it ever been your shame.
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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#506138 - 01/31/17 12:58 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1214
Loc: Southern US
Being from the bible belt, I'm not sure the Missouri Synod could be any worse in handing out shame or condemnation about things sexual.
Promising never to do "that" again, only to repeat it, results in a whole lot of shame and guilt, but definitely doesn't change any thing or keep it from happening again and again and again.

I'm sure this is not a solution for everyone, but when you take a basic tenant of the church that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and that would include a sex drive, sensitive pleasure points, brains with ability to think even sexy thoughts, then put that all together with just daily living experiences, to me it boggles the mind to think God would say, "I've created all this for mankind, but FORGET about it for a few years"
This may be one giant rationalization, but it worked for me when faced with guilt or shame.
_________________________
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

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#506141 - 01/31/17 03:52 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Ceremony]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By Ceremony
This is probably a triggering topic? I think teaching shame is deplorable. Teens masturbate, leave 'em be! Pre-teens might be curious, and to me, that's not sexuality, it's natural curiosity with one's body. I must admit, I knew nothing until about 15. Though I kissed a girl in 3rd grade. I didn't have a clue what it was.

My puberty was a horrific time of bullies shaming my body. Shaming my unmanly looks and never growing parts! By 15, maybe a part of me hoped that someday things would be better? But, at 12, 13 and 14 bullies destroyed me. 15 too, but by then I hid better. Girls were so much more interesting too, but that didn't matter. And age 15, my life was not mine to have a chance. I was taken out of school for skipping, and seeming out of control. My mom must have thought I had plans that made me skip, or show anger? That I was a threat? So, taken out of school, put in various places while I was "treated". A horrible rejection of being. I wad thrown away. So, self exploring was about my only comfort.

I didn't really find it much use until about 18. Since then, and now having been married 32 years, No big deal. No shame. I hope you find your safe zone, and become comfortable.


Hey Ceremony. Sorry if this is a trigger topic. I don't quite get what that means on this site. Masturbation is...something quite sensitive for me as well.k
My counselor just talked to me about it today. He said something that made me feel ashamed. (It was like he knew all along, and I just now discovered something that other boys have known from age 10). What he said was that my masturbation has been genital-focused, and that now I'm learning to focus on ME as a whole person. Which is true. I don't just masturbate my genitals, I masturbate ME. My whole body. I love myself and don't just go straight to work on my dick like I have for...ever. Ever.

I'm so sorry about your puberty. I hate bullies. Your experience sounds a lot different than mine. I wish I had been kept back from sexual development till age 15. I would have perhaps been more mentally ready by then. Ugh. Besides I remember seeing a boy like that in the showers once and feeling so much compassion for him. the way I was brought up and wrongly taught by my parents, I equated sexual un-development with innocence. So as soon as I experienced my sexual response outside of marriage, I had lost my innocence. That's the lie I was taught. And thus I found myself attracted to boys on the verge of puberty, and fantasized about them. I wanted their "innocence" and what they had.

Anyways. Sorry.

I'm glad you've been married for 32 years and have no shame. That's incredible. Lucky you. lol Not really lucky. I just mean, wow that's insane. I dream of having a non-shamed sexuality.

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#506143 - 01/31/17 04:35 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2487
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Winterfr3esh, I'm glad your therapist is looking towards your broader sense of body. Accepting a whole you.

That acceptance is not yet realized for myself, because of those bullies. In my school, I sure was innocent, and reviled for it. Bullies can be very destructive, even to the age I find myself. Their words sometimes pierce my calm, and stir a storm of self loathing.

But, not about masturbating. To me, and maybe because it was all I had for comforting myself, it took that role? Never looked at that? Didn't and doesn't seem very important regarding masturbating. However, loving oneself, in the sense that an acceptance of my body is healthy, well, I have work to do.

One thing about sexuality, is how others perceive me by my looks back then. That photo here on MS is about age 12, just when the bullying started. To me, that face looks like an attempt to please, placate, masking sadness. Innocent for sure. I knew nothing. Had one friend, and another acquaintance. He was a bit older and molested me that year. Kinda like your situation, but 7th grade. Some think it's experimenting, curiosity about sexuality? Being wholly innocent, and not coming at that time, I was clueless.

I hope this kind of talk doesn't trigger you or anyone? It's old stuff, stuff I don't talk about much. It has always seemed more like confusion than trauma. I minimize its impact.


So, for clarity. I'm fine with masturbating, but still messed up about my junk. Directly related to bully trauma, and too much other trauma. My wife accepts me, but, there are problems. Not my ability, it's our relationship that's a big problem.

Well, tmi but, what can I say...

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#506171 - 01/31/17 09:52 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
For me lately i've been exploring the background of why i masturbate and i've found out that it has been a replacement for genuine relationship building since my teen years. Due to the effects of the abuse and the way i dealt with that in my late teen and early 20's, i never learned to build proper relationships with women. So instead i turned to fantasy and masturbation.

For me it's not so much about the shame of masturbation, but more a feeling of shame and guilt that i was/am too afraid to work on a relationship with women.

I'm reading "The Most Personal Addiction" by Joe Zychik, which is freely available online (http://sexualcontrol.com/)
I don't agree with everything he writes, but he does give me a fresh perspective to learn and cope with anxiety and stress..

perhaps it can give you guys some new insights too
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#506878 - 02/22/17 06:33 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Ceremony]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By Ceremony
Hi Winterfr3esh, I'm glad your therapist is looking towards your broader sense of body. Accepting a whole you.

That acceptance is not yet realized for myself, because of those bullies. In my school, I sure was innocent, and reviled for it. Bullies can be very destructive, even to the age I find myself. Their words sometimes pierce my calm, and stir a storm of self loathing.

But, not about masturbating. To me, and maybe because it was all I had for comforting myself, it took that role? Never looked at that? Didn't and doesn't seem very important regarding masturbating. However, loving oneself, in the sense that an acceptance of my body is healthy, well, I have work to do.

One thing about sexuality, is how others perceive me by my looks back then. That photo here on MS is about age 12, just when the bullying started. To me, that face looks like an attempt to please, placate, masking sadness. Innocent for sure. I knew nothing. Had one friend, and another acquaintance. He was a bit older and molested me that year. Kinda like your situation, but 7th grade. Some think it's experimenting, curiosity about sexuality? Being wholly innocent, and not coming at that time, I was clueless.

I hope this kind of talk doesn't trigger you or anyone? It's old stuff, stuff I don't talk about much. It has always seemed more like confusion than trauma. I minimize its impact.


So, for clarity. I'm fine with masturbating, but still messed up about my junk. Directly related to bully trauma, and too much other trauma. My wife accepts me, but, there are problems. Not my ability, it's our relationship that's a big problem.

Well, tmi but, what can I say...


Coming back to the issue again here. I appreciate your thoughts and stories shared, and your vulnerability to grapple with this issue with me. I really enjoy your picture. It touches a part of me that I can identify with. That innocent smiling face which you explain is placating, pleasing others... while hiding sadness and pain. That gets to me. I can both sympathize and empathize with that. That face and that look was me at that age, too.

My sexual abuse occurred in 8th grade, pretty close to your age then.
Lately I have been focusing on ME and loving myself when I masturbate. That helps the shame and the let-down I would always feel after ejaculation. Ejaculation has been an issue for me that's been brought to my attention lately. As I work through sorting out my shame and anxiety over self-love, the freedom to ejaculate becomes pressured. I'm trying to protect myself from the pain. More on this to come?

Also, the thread about gay porn relates to this too. anyone wants to check it out it's Here here

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#506879 - 02/22/17 06:39 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: OCN]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By OCN
For me lately i've been exploring the background of why i masturbate and i've found out that it has been a replacement for genuine relationship building since my teen years. Due to the effects of the abuse and the way i dealt with that in my late teen and early 20's, i never learned to build proper relationships with women. So instead i turned to fantasy and masturbation.

For me it's not so much about the shame of masturbation, but more a feeling of shame and guilt that i was/am too afraid to work on a relationship with women.

I'm reading "The Most Personal Addiction" by Joe Zychik, which is freely available online (http://sexualcontrol.com/)
I don't agree with everything he writes, but he does give me a fresh perspective to learn and cope with anxiety and stress..

perhaps it can give you guys some new insights too


Hey OCN,

Thanks for sharing your insights. I felt a surge of guilt when I read your first sentence. I felt convicted. I felt awful. It's true... masturbation can come in the way of relationships. I am pissed off at myself for choosing masturbation compulsively, and pissed off at others whose influence on me from an early age about sex proved to have harmful, negative impacts on my development and self-esteem.

I'd say that 99% of my sexuality up to this point has been exclusively funneled into fantasy and masturbation. It's sad! I hate it, I was made for more, I want and yearn for something better. And to make things worse, the shame I felt about masturbation only made it even more ensnaring, impossible to quit, and it troubled me day after day after day.

I had too much anxiety over the topic to read much of the addiction link you sent me. It did seem to offer something I found helpful about shame, but it was also a bit intimidating and I'm not ready.

My latest progress with masturbation guilt have been in the areas of pornography and anger, actually. Discovering myself, loving myself and experiencing my sexuality apart from pornographic stimulation... is a beautiful thing. More insights about that on my post above and in this thread

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#506888 - 02/22/17 09:29 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By Winterfr3sh
Originally Posted By OCN
For me lately i've been exploring the background of why i masturbate and i've found out that it has been a replacement for genuine relationship building since my teen years. Due to the effects of the abuse and the way i dealt with that in my late teen and early 20's, i never learned to build proper relationships with women. So instead i turned to fantasy and masturbation.

For me it's not so much about the shame of masturbation, but more a feeling of shame and guilt that i was/am too afraid to work on a relationship with women.

I'm reading "The Most Personal Addiction" by Joe Zychik, which is freely available online (http://sexualcontrol.com/)
I don't agree with everything he writes, but he does give me a fresh perspective to learn and cope with anxiety and stress..

perhaps it can give you guys some new insights too


Hey OCN,

Thanks for sharing your insights. I felt a surge of guilt when I read your first sentence. I felt convicted. I felt awful. It's true... masturbation can come in the way of relationships. I am pissed off at myself for choosing masturbation compulsively, and pissed off at others whose influence on me from an early age about sex proved to have harmful, negative impacts on my development and self-esteem.

I'd say that 99% of my sexuality up to this point has been exclusively funneled into fantasy and masturbation. It's sad! I hate it, I was made for more, I want and yearn for something better. And to make things worse, the shame I felt about masturbation only made it even more ensnaring, impossible to quit, and it troubled me day after day after day.

I had too much anxiety over the topic to read much of the addiction link you sent me. It did seem to offer something I found helpful about shame, but it was also a bit intimidating and I'm not ready.

My latest progress with masturbation guilt have been in the areas of pornography and anger, actually. Discovering myself, loving myself and experiencing my sexuality apart from pornographic stimulation... is a beautiful thing. More insights about that on my post above and in this thread

As i read your response here and in the other topic, my advice for you would be to ease out on the self blame. There is no good or bad in masturbation. For me it has been a great relief to be able to understand it like this. First i had to accept that i wasn't able to deal with masturbation.
And now slowly but surely i'm making progress along the line, with acceptance being the key point.

I had to realize for myself that i had been doing this for almost 20 years, so it won't change over night.

I can understand you don't want to touch on the link i send you just yet. It is quite confronting, so i think it's best not to if you don't feel comfortable. That shows that you know how to protect yourself, which is a good thing smile You'll know when you're ready, so please take your time.

Working on pornography and it's effects it has on us is powerful stuff! I've been making good progress with the occasional setback. And it helps me to get more at ease with who i am. I'm in the middle of discovering who i am and i've noticed that pornography can make the mind shift into abusive behavior almost instantly. It's a very powerful trigger.. sadly there is so much freely available, so difficult to stay away from. But imo its worth it to stay away from it.

Please be gentle on yourself, it won't help to blame yourself or being angry with yourself. So much of it is trained and programmed behavior. The key is acceptance. If we can accept that we do certain things which are not beneficial to our wellbeing, then we can consider choosing different responses. Self blame is such a nasty habit we've picked up since we were young. If only we can accept who we are without judgment.. it would make things a lot easier.

So i wish you well on your journey winterfr3sh! From what i can tell you are working your way and know what is important to you. Keep up the good work!

OCN
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#506908 - 02/23/17 03:16 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Making some progress loving myself. I connected with myself at a younger age when I wasn't hurt, guilty and scared. I nurtured myself and cried with myself while doing it. It was healing and I even smiled a genuine sustained smile.

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#506921 - 02/23/17 12:42 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
MojaveMike Offline


Registered: 02/07/17
Posts: 26
Loc: New Mexico USA
So if you want a theological perspective on masturbation: the only Scripture possibly against it is in the Old Testament type Onanism or sin of Onan into a search engine. The fact is the Bible nowhere speaks against masturbation-the Catechism of the Catholic Church does. I gave up masturbation for nearly six months in my 20's-it drove me crazy. I was constantly thinking about s-x and would get Er-ct constantly. There is a sin in Christianity called Scrupulousness-which is imposing on yourself extreme legalistic Pharisee like rules. Building unnecessary guilt into your life may be a maladaptive way of replaying scenarios of guilt from earlier abuse.
_________________________
Be Safe!

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#506925 - 02/23/17 03:08 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: MojaveMike]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2487
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By MojaveMike
...There is a sin in Christianity called Scrupulousness-which is imposing on yourself extreme legalistic Pharisee like rules. Building unnecessary guilt into your life may be a maladaptive way of replaying scenarios of guilt from earlier abuse.


That is one of the most prescient understandings of how, needing to move forward without guilt, I've read in long time! Kudos MojaveMike, and thank you.

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#506930 - 02/23/17 05:44 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Yeah, thanks Mojave wink

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#507037 - 02/26/17 01:57 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
greenwizard Offline


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 497
Loc: PA
I think I was lucky to not grow up in a very religious household when I hear stories like this. I've been masturbating since I can remember. My earliest memory was when my dad was still driving truck, and I was about 2 when he had to quit after a massive heart attack. I've looked into it, and it's pretty normal for toddlers to get curious about their own bodies and discover that hey, playing with your genitals feels pretty good. Obviously at that age we don't grasp what sex is, but the nerves and neural connections are there from the time we're born.

My parents just had the trouble of keeping me from doing it in front of other people when I was little. I guess it did kind of become a self soothing thing for me. I also did it every night before bed to help me sleep.

It did become a problem. When you're a teenager and you get frustrated with something, having a throbbing erection on top of it does not help the situation. Over the years I taught my body that an orgasm was the solution to everything, so getting aggravated also made me horny in anticipation.

It was only recently with the help of medications and a very understanding and patient girlfriend that I was able to break that link.

When my parents caught me doing it they would act disgusted, but I never let it make me feel ashamed. I just worked harder at not getting caught.

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#507068 - 02/26/17 05:47 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 416
I feel lucky not to have grown up in a religious home or have parents who taught me that masturbation was a terrible thing. I did go to catholic school when I was young but I don't recall picking up any messages about anything body related from there. But somehow, I still feel like it's a terrible thing. Even though I know it's not. But I still feel bad and guilty about it.

I was talking to my partner about this a while back, telling him that it made me feel like a really terrible, sick, perverted person. He told me it was normal and I shouldn't feel like that, so I asked him how he felt about it. He said it makes him feel like a terrible, sick, perverted person... We haven't come up with any solutions to this yet. Just telling yourself it's not wrong doesn't seem to help. I also worry about being caught (which has happened to me) or about someone watching me (has also happened to me) in fact the being watched thing is the worst and probably ties in with my paranoia of being watched in general.

I often think about how awesome my life would be if I didn't have to feel like this. I'm going to subscribe to this thread in the hope that someone finds a solution.

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#507069 - 02/26/17 06:04 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 715
Loc: Idaho
trigger warning,............. I grew up in a household where masturbation was common and open. my father, a perp, did this openly in front of us kids, and frequently during the abuse. one time I was in the backyard, I was very young, playing with it. my father came out the back door and saw what I was doing. he just walked over to me, rubbed my head and walked away. I don't know what conclusions to draw from this other than to point out that we all come from different backgrounds and different experiences. I suppose in a way it was part of my parent's normalization of aberrant sexual behavior. grooming I suppose

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#507138 - 02/28/17 04:09 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: MojaveMike]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By MojaveMike
So if you want a theological perspective on masturbation: the only Scripture possibly against it is in the Old Testament type Onanism or sin of Onan into a search engine. The fact is the Bible nowhere speaks against masturbation-the Catechism of the Catholic Church does. I gave up masturbation for nearly six months in my 20's-it drove me crazy. I was constantly thinking about s-x and would get Er-ct constantly. There is a sin in Christianity called Scrupulousness-which is imposing on yourself extreme legalistic Pharisee like rules. Building unnecessary guilt into your life may be a maladaptive way of replaying scenarios of guilt from earlier abuse.


Hey MojaveMike, thanks, I like that story. lol.
What I have taken this story to mean is entirely different from masturbation. the Sin of Onan is often misunderstood to refer to masturbation... it doesn't in the opinion of many greater scholars than myself. What it's really talking about is him using her for sexual pleasure, while denying his duty and calling to father children for her in lieu of her deceased husband.

Thanks for sharing your experience. The longest I've given up masturbation is for 9 days. By the 9th day...I felt sharp, crazed, and extremely horny. my erections would be so bothersome and persistent.

Thanks for helping me not focus on being obsessed over it. There is freedom in forgiveness and mercy, that helps masturbation become even less addictive and compulsive for me. I like to these days, try my best not to ejaculate every time I touch myself (that helps a ton, I feel relief without the compulsion to think about porn so I can climax to relieve stress...the vicious cycle is breaking!) I like to wait a day or two now, and I feel way better about it so far.

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#507185 - 03/01/17 04:28 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 516
Loc: FL
Hi Winterfresh, I also discovered j.o. at 10 and thought I had damaged myself after that 1st orgasm. I was in a panic. Eventually I figured it out that that's what happens. I was addicted to it for years & years doing it 4 or 5 times a day 13 thru 15 yrs old, then tapering off as I got older. Yes I felt guilty an ashamed of doing it so much. Then my abuse during those years made me even more ashamed. My getting groped in bathtub at 9 or 10 by adult male (dad?) 1st recurring abuse me 12 thru 14, him 15 thru 17, then bullying and more abuse by 2 other more dominating boys close to my age thru 15y.o. Then more as a young adult because of being plied with alcohol. It sucks, doesn't it?
Good new is... we can beat this shame! We deserve better NOW!
------ Tom E

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#507245 - 03/02/17 06:46 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: greenwizard]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By greenwizard

It did become a problem. When you're a teenager and you get frustrated with something, having a throbbing erection on top of it does not help the situation. Over the years I taught my body that an orgasm was the solution to everything, so getting aggravated also made me horny in anticipation.

It was only recently with the help of medications and a very understanding and patient girlfriend that I was able to break that link.

When my parents caught me doing it they would act disgusted, but I never let it make me feel ashamed. I just worked harder at not getting caught.


Hey GreenWizard, thanks for sharing. I like your first paragraph here. It's so true. It becomes an addiction, an "idol," a "solution" to anxiety... and then for me, it ended up NOT solving the anxiety. Rather, my sexuality became dictated by my anxiety. It became fast, unpleasurable and unsatisfying. It became riddled with porn and short-cuts, leaving me drained and unsatisfied at large.

I'm glad to say that I'm taking steps to SLOW DOWN, forgive myself, and have a fresh perspective on masturbation. Medication and lots of love helps a ton. I don't have a girlfriend, but that's just as well. I have Jesus, with whom I share a profound spiritual connection (believing that he's God who chose to become man, and gets every single pain we've been through!) Plus he's merciful, forgiving, loving, and tender to me, too.

smile that's my sermon! Anyways, thanks again for sharing.

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#509069 - 04/15/17 04:34 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
Yep. We can, Tom.

As an update I'm finding that it's becoming more nurturing and relaxing for me. I currently do it every day, gently, but don't let go of anything until 2 or 3 days have passed and things have built up.
I find that it's harder to feel in control of my fantasies /think about what I want when too much time has passed.
Yet there's an increase of energy and a change of perspective with that extra energy saved up from not ejaculating. And yes it feels better when it has built up for awhile.

I still do struggle every day not to think about certain things when doing it, including darker abuse fantasies. But if done right it is very nurturing for me now.

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#509115 - 04/17/17 02:07 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Bryce Offline


Registered: 04/08/17
Posts: 37
i was raised to feel not shame or guilt in masturbating was taught about it allowed to do it openly saw my mom and others in the family openly masturbate especially to porn. I also associated as a form of stress relief like when in school stressed about reports or a test i was encourage to give my self a break.

however lately i am in this cycle of enjoyment and self hate and made at myself for doing it and the memories. Now i am stressed and do it then i get stressed more at times cause i did. I wonder if the cycle can ever end. i wish i could just move past it and get all this out of my mind.

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#510419 - 05/15/17 02:20 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
anonDK Offline


Registered: 03/21/17
Posts: 38
Loc: Denmark
I finally managed to masturbate AND ejaculate without (so much) shame .. Shame is still there, but it gets better .. This site has enabled me to come forward with sexual issues and for that I'm grateful!

It's like I finally found what truly is a wonderful sexual fantasy, allowing it to be, and it feels like a real sexual experience in my mind .. And body, of course .

My usual routine is to focus solely on ejaculation, and sometimes forcing it . Hard and not gentle with myself . Just the immediate pleasure . Like an escape or compulsion . Over the years, it became an immediate 'solution' to being angry. And the porn I watched just got more and more extreme. I tolerated more and more of the nasty stuff. Sometimes I even masturbated at work, when in my office alone. When bored and doing stuff I hated doing. The 'solution' was always at hand. But of course I did everything to try and hide it. To this day, i don't think I was ever 'caught'. EDIT: Not entirely. Once my girlfriend (at that time) discovered some of the porn I had on my computer. She confronted me and of course I lied. "No this doesn't belong to me, and of course this doesn't turn me on". Althought it did. I leached porn off the internet, kind of obsessively.

The horrible shame associated with it; both my sexuality and also me doing this. Masturbating.

And then, a couple of months ago, something bubbled up. Shortly after I joined this site, a maybe a little before that. A 'real' sexual fantasy, that has been repressed in shame and ridiculous amounts of porn and the like for decades. A real sexual fantasy. The shame associated with it made it VERY VERY hard to start talking about it. Acknowledging it. I flip-flopped for a while, I think the shame tricked me into reviving old habits. Like, "this can't be right. This isn't ME. I must go back to where I was".

But this fantasy of mine returned lately. It sort of feels like at genuine sexual experience. In mind and body, masturbating & ejaculating.


Edited by anonDK (05/16/17 12:21 PM)
_________________________
We are survivors, we are tougher than the rest laugh

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#512584 - 06/26/17 03:12 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Bryce Offline


Registered: 04/08/17
Posts: 37
I was raised raised by my mother where it was normal thing done in the open to even to each other. I have very early memories of here fondling me then later I was involved with other family members. I use to never feel shame in it however now I do cause of me using the past memories. I have always masturbated as this way of feeling good especially when stressed which now is this cycle in messed up way. Now I feel shame.

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#512604 - 06/26/17 02:34 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
payne Offline


Registered: 06/28/15
Posts: 90
Loc: USA
You are not alone. I understand.

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#518635 - 12/08/17 01:37 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
LoneWolfX Offline


Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 390
Does this mast.. shame ever get better?

<TRIGGER>

I can't help feeling disgusted by the sight of my er... penis and pubic hair. I always feel dirty after mast... especially the ejac... part.

I actually feel guilt and shame for being a sexual being.

As you can see I hate even writing certain words.


Edited by LoneWolfX (12/08/17 01:38 PM)

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#518770 - 12/11/17 10:41 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
UniversalBeing Offline


Registered: 09/15/17
Posts: 116
I'm glad someone brought this topic up. I have lots of issues with my sexuality and my sexual needs. Masturbation I mostly do it to get it done. My therapist is pushing me to get more in touch with my sexual needs. He encourages masturbation and watching pornography. I was concerned about porn addiction but he said he is not concerned with me about that. He says porn addiction is if you are really hooked up on porn and prevents you from doing other stuff and having real relationships.

I just feel dirty and pervert for having sexual needs and fantasies. Although, sexuality is a healthy need.
_________________________
My journey:

www.universalbeing.me

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#518780 - 12/12/17 02:49 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: UniversalBeing]
FormerTexan Offline
Administrator

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12209
Loc: Denver, CO
In case it may be of interest, some of us started a similar topic ten years ago. It took more of a spiritual/religious/Bible perspective since shame is often associated with the act, and provoked some interesting viewpoints in feedback from others. I hope it is helpful.
_________________________
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#519481 - 12/30/17 08:33 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
I was reading about m*** on a web site on the subject and read that m*** in the prone position is not a good idea because one can damage it from force of weight and cause sexual problems. I started doing it that way when I was 5. It could explain some of my issues. Um, besides being embarrassed about s*x in general. Not to mention believing that God is watching over me, even when I'm, um, doing, um, well, you know what the thread is about. Oh yeah, shame and release.

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#519512 - 12/31/17 05:54 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
house Offline


Registered: 04/08/17
Posts: 71
It is not the masterbation that makes me feel shame and guilt it is what I'm thinking about or looking at. I think Materbation in and of itself is not wrong, I was trying to train myself to masterbate while thinking about nothing, keep my mind blank, to avoid the guilt and shame. It worked for a while but it became pointless and I felt stupid. I have to much baggage

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#519554 - 01/01/18 01:24 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Jer Offline


Registered: 03/26/16
Posts: 39
Loc: Texas
Same for me house, it is not he physical act of masturbation that I feel guilt or shame about but rather the thoughts I have and/or the visuals I use. I am not sure it will ever be any different for me.
_________________________
"Many people claim that honesty is the best policy then get offended when you tell them the truth."

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#519564 - 01/01/18 10:30 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
LoneWolfX Offline


Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 390
Actually for me even the act itself regardless of thoughts is shameful.

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#519592 - 01/01/18 11:00 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
All you all who mentioned your thoughts, what thoughts do you feel shame and guilt about having?

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#519678 - 01/04/18 04:13 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 188
Loc: SD
I struggle with this a lot. Stress is one of causes that leads me to masturbate to feel good but the thoughts is what causes me shame and guilt. I know others have told me i should not blame myself but I do. I wish at times I had no sexual desires.

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#519719 - 01/05/18 08:04 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
LoneWolfX Offline


Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 390
As I said it is not just the thought but the act itself i.e. mas_____ with no thought in my mind is shameful. The most shameful part is the ejac_____.

TRIGGER
This is not really surprising given that me jerking off my abuser was how it started. And ejac______ is an issue because of being made to swallow. Maybe because I was the one "getting him off" (it was never mutual) that reinforces it is not okay for me to mas_____. And BTW I found my abuser repulsive.

To elaborate in order for me to feel less shame when I mas_____ I sometimes imagine I am actually someone else. If they do it and are so comfortable with sexuality then it is "sort of" okay for me to do it. By imagine someone else I mean imagine them jerking off. It would be a male I find attractive. However I do not imagine myself having sex with them. More often I fantasize about a women in which case it is actually me having sex with that woman.

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#519853 - 01/09/18 08:36 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
LoneWolfX Offline


Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 390
I have realized the shame is mostly related to ejac_____ and sem____.

It seems I am unusual here. I get the impression that others with mas____ shame is due to thoughts rather than the act.

I am even uncomfortable with writing or even worse saying out loud certain words relating to sex.

Also the mas_____ in my case is as quick as possible to get to the end result (physical sensation) which despite making me shameful is the purpose.

Anyone else feel the same way?


Edited by LoneWolfX (01/09/18 08:38 AM)

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#519890 - 01/10/18 08:59 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
Yes. It's the act. It's also Intercourse with my wife. Also, over my male parts.

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#519980 - 01/12/18 09:07 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
I might add that I have felt shame over wet dreams, too. There, though, I think I associated it with bed wetting rather than something natural. I was horrified when they started happening.

My son is 13 now and I haven't talked anything with him about sexual stuff except to get his hands out of his underwear in front of others. Probably I should discuss more but it's not in my comfort zone.

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