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#506105 - 01/29/17 10:02 PM Masturbation Shame Discussion
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 80
Loc: Missouri
Hey Guys,

One of my issues has been self-abuse and shaming myself. This mindset started before my abuse in 8th grade.

I was taught negative things about sex by my legalistic, religious parents. They meant well, but they messed up when trying to bring me up and their intentions backfired. I blame them for my gay fantasies and lack of interest in women up until now, perhaps.

I never go the chance to learn about masturabtion. It occurred to me in secret, and in shame.

When I discovered it at age 10 I was frightened and ashamed, but overwhelmed with the pleasure. I felt utterly ashamed of myself. The shame continued. I was put into a school where I had no friends and was bulled. I started using masturbation to get me to sleep at night, because I would stay up torturing myself over all the things I had done "wrong" while trying to make friends. At some point, I realized that I had was attracted and turned on by boys at that age (ages 10-13). I felt like a vile person. I have dealt with terrible, shaming feelings for boys up until now. I still have fantasies about them, but I'm much more okay with it now than I used to be, thankfully.

I have been deeply ashamed of my masturbation my whole life. It has been driven by anxiety, and it became an addiction. My church teaches that it's selfish and wrong, and the solution to sexual temptation is to get married. I was given a somewhat shitty education about sex. I was taught frightening, negative things about losing my innocence and my virginity. I've never felt comfortable with myself as a sexual being, consequently. I am still a virgin and would like to get married and have kids. I'm working towards accepting myself as a sexual being, and even accepting the 10-year-old-boy in me as a sexual being. Nurturing him, affirming him.

Any tips on what has worked for you to enjoy masturbation more, feeling less guilt about it? I am trying to be gentle with myself, and trying not to use masturbation as my default solution to anxiety. (I can't really enjoy myself or go slow if I'm anxious and desperate for relief and relaxation.) I am also trying to only do it every couple days, but to really enjoy it and take my time and not HAVE to do it every day.

What are your masturbation stories?

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#506109 - 01/29/17 11:29 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion *Triggers [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 2978
Loc: Minnesota
This is probably a triggering topic? I think teaching shame is deplorable. Teens masturbate, leave 'em be! Pre-teens might be curious, and to me, that's not sexuality, it's natural curiosity with one's body. I must admit, I knew nothing until about 15. Though I kissed a girl in 3rd grade. I didn't have a clue what it was.

My puberty was a horrific time of bullies shaming my body. Shaming my unmanly looks and never growing parts! By 15, maybe a part of me hoped that someday things would be better? But, at 12, 13 and 14 bullies destroyed me. 15 too, but by then I hid better. Girls were so much more interesting too, but that didn't matter. And age 15, my life was not mine to have a chance. I was taken out of school for skipping, and seeming out of control. My mom must have thought I had plans that made me skip, or show anger? That I was a threat? So, taken out of school, put in various places while I was "treated". A horrible rejection of being. I wad thrown away. So, self exploring was about my only comfort.

I didn't really find it much use until about 18. Since then, and now having been married 32 years, No big deal. No shame. I hope you find your safe zone, and become comfortable.


Edited by Ceremony (01/29/17 11:32 PM)

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#506116 - 01/30/17 07:27 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion *Triggers [Re: Winterfr3sh]
motmcd Offline


Registered: 08/15/12
Posts: 278
Loc: PA
Retracted


Edited by motmcd (01/31/17 06:26 AM)
Edit Reason: Wordsmithing
_________________________
I do many things well with mastery over nothing. I like it that way.

https://bristleconeproject.org/men/tom-mcdevitt/

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#506123 - 01/30/17 10:47 AM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion *Triggers [Re: Winterfr3sh]
manipulated Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/25/14
Posts: 818
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Winter

You are not alone with your struggles. It helped me, when I had faith, to remember who created me. Who wired me. Who gave me physical responses. And to remember that the people who condemn and judge are just that: fallen people. Usually trying to impose their own hangups on others.

Did a Saviour come to condemn or save from the perverted condemnation of people beginning since the fall?

Rejoice in the way you were made, the way you respond, the way you feel. I know not conventional teachings in my church either and hard to accept at first. just like the facts:
You were a victim.
It is/was NOT your fault.
It is not now nor has it ever been your shame.
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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#506138 - 01/30/17 07:58 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1328
Loc: Southern US
Being from the bible belt, I'm not sure the Missouri Synod could be any worse in handing out shame or condemnation about things sexual.
Promising never to do "that" again, only to repeat it, results in a whole lot of shame and guilt, but definitely doesn't change any thing or keep it from happening again and again and again.

I'm sure this is not a solution for everyone, but when you take a basic tenant of the church that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and that would include a sex drive, sensitive pleasure points, brains with ability to think even sexy thoughts, then put that all together with just daily living experiences, to me it boggles the mind to think God would say, "I've created all this for mankind, but FORGET about it for a few years"
This may be one giant rationalization, but it worked for me when faced with guilt or shame.
_________________________
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

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#506141 - 01/30/17 10:52 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Ceremony]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 80
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By Ceremony
This is probably a triggering topic? I think teaching shame is deplorable. Teens masturbate, leave 'em be! Pre-teens might be curious, and to me, that's not sexuality, it's natural curiosity with one's body. I must admit, I knew nothing until about 15. Though I kissed a girl in 3rd grade. I didn't have a clue what it was.

My puberty was a horrific time of bullies shaming my body. Shaming my unmanly looks and never growing parts! By 15, maybe a part of me hoped that someday things would be better? But, at 12, 13 and 14 bullies destroyed me. 15 too, but by then I hid better. Girls were so much more interesting too, but that didn't matter. And age 15, my life was not mine to have a chance. I was taken out of school for skipping, and seeming out of control. My mom must have thought I had plans that made me skip, or show anger? That I was a threat? So, taken out of school, put in various places while I was "treated". A horrible rejection of being. I wad thrown away. So, self exploring was about my only comfort.

I didn't really find it much use until about 18. Since then, and now having been married 32 years, No big deal. No shame. I hope you find your safe zone, and become comfortable.


Hey Ceremony. Sorry if this is a trigger topic. I don't quite get what that means on this site. Masturbation is...something quite sensitive for me as well.k
My counselor just talked to me about it today. He said something that made me feel ashamed. (It was like he knew all along, and I just now discovered something that other boys have known from age 10). What he said was that my masturbation has been genital-focused, and that now I'm learning to focus on ME as a whole person. Which is true. I don't just masturbate my genitals, I masturbate ME. My whole body. I love myself and don't just go straight to work on my dick like I have for...ever. Ever.

I'm so sorry about your puberty. I hate bullies. Your experience sounds a lot different than mine. I wish I had been kept back from sexual development till age 15. I would have perhaps been more mentally ready by then. Ugh. Besides I remember seeing a boy like that in the showers once and feeling so much compassion for him. the way I was brought up and wrongly taught by my parents, I equated sexual un-development with innocence. So as soon as I experienced my sexual response outside of marriage, I had lost my innocence. That's the lie I was taught. And thus I found myself attracted to boys on the verge of puberty, and fantasized about them. I wanted their "innocence" and what they had.

Anyways. Sorry.

I'm glad you've been married for 32 years and have no shame. That's incredible. Lucky you. lol Not really lucky. I just mean, wow that's insane. I dream of having a non-shamed sexuality.

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#506143 - 01/30/17 11:35 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 2978
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Winterfr3esh, I'm glad your therapist is looking towards your broader sense of body. Accepting a whole you.

That acceptance is not yet realized for myself, because of those bullies. In my school, I sure was innocent, and reviled for it. Bullies can be very destructive, even to the age I find myself. Their words sometimes pierce my calm, and stir a storm of self loathing.

But, not about masturbating. To me, and maybe because it was all I had for comforting myself, it took that role? Never looked at that? Didn't and doesn't seem very important regarding masturbating. However, loving oneself, in the sense that an acceptance of my body is healthy, well, I have work to do.

One thing about sexuality, is how others perceive me by my looks back then. That photo here on MS is about age 12, just when the bullying started. To me, that face looks like an attempt to please, placate, masking sadness. Innocent for sure. I knew nothing. Had one friend, and another acquaintance. He was a bit older and molested me that year. Kinda like your situation, but 7th grade. Some think it's experimenting, curiosity about sexuality? Being wholly innocent, and not coming at that time, I was clueless.

I hope this kind of talk doesn't trigger you or anyone? It's old stuff, stuff I don't talk about much. It has always seemed more like confusion than trauma. I minimize its impact.


So, for clarity. I'm fine with masturbating, but still messed up about my junk. Directly related to bully trauma, and too much other trauma. My wife accepts me, but, there are problems. Not my ability, it's our relationship that's a big problem.

Well, tmi but, what can I say...

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#506171 - 01/31/17 04:52 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Winterfr3sh]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 428
Loc: Western Europe
For me lately i've been exploring the background of why i masturbate and i've found out that it has been a replacement for genuine relationship building since my teen years. Due to the effects of the abuse and the way i dealt with that in my late teen and early 20's, i never learned to build proper relationships with women. So instead i turned to fantasy and masturbation.

For me it's not so much about the shame of masturbation, but more a feeling of shame and guilt that i was/am too afraid to work on a relationship with women.

I'm reading "The Most Personal Addiction" by Joe Zychik, which is freely available online (http://sexualcontrol.com/)
I don't agree with everything he writes, but he does give me a fresh perspective to learn and cope with anxiety and stress..

perhaps it can give you guys some new insights too
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#506878 - 02/22/17 01:33 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: Ceremony]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 80
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By Ceremony
Hi Winterfr3esh, I'm glad your therapist is looking towards your broader sense of body. Accepting a whole you.

That acceptance is not yet realized for myself, because of those bullies. In my school, I sure was innocent, and reviled for it. Bullies can be very destructive, even to the age I find myself. Their words sometimes pierce my calm, and stir a storm of self loathing.

But, not about masturbating. To me, and maybe because it was all I had for comforting myself, it took that role? Never looked at that? Didn't and doesn't seem very important regarding masturbating. However, loving oneself, in the sense that an acceptance of my body is healthy, well, I have work to do.

One thing about sexuality, is how others perceive me by my looks back then. That photo here on MS is about age 12, just when the bullying started. To me, that face looks like an attempt to please, placate, masking sadness. Innocent for sure. I knew nothing. Had one friend, and another acquaintance. He was a bit older and molested me that year. Kinda like your situation, but 7th grade. Some think it's experimenting, curiosity about sexuality? Being wholly innocent, and not coming at that time, I was clueless.

I hope this kind of talk doesn't trigger you or anyone? It's old stuff, stuff I don't talk about much. It has always seemed more like confusion than trauma. I minimize its impact.


So, for clarity. I'm fine with masturbating, but still messed up about my junk. Directly related to bully trauma, and too much other trauma. My wife accepts me, but, there are problems. Not my ability, it's our relationship that's a big problem.

Well, tmi but, what can I say...


Coming back to the issue again here. I appreciate your thoughts and stories shared, and your vulnerability to grapple with this issue with me. I really enjoy your picture. It touches a part of me that I can identify with. That innocent smiling face which you explain is placating, pleasing others... while hiding sadness and pain. That gets to me. I can both sympathize and empathize with that. That face and that look was me at that age, too.

My sexual abuse occurred in 8th grade, pretty close to your age then.
Lately I have been focusing on ME and loving myself when I masturbate. That helps the shame and the let-down I would always feel after ejaculation. Ejaculation has been an issue for me that's been brought to my attention lately. As I work through sorting out my shame and anxiety over self-love, the freedom to ejaculate becomes pressured. I'm trying to protect myself from the pain. More on this to come?

Also, the thread about gay porn relates to this too. anyone wants to check it out it's Here here

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#506879 - 02/22/17 01:39 PM Re: Masturbation Shame Discussion [Re: OCN]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 80
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By OCN
For me lately i've been exploring the background of why i masturbate and i've found out that it has been a replacement for genuine relationship building since my teen years. Due to the effects of the abuse and the way i dealt with that in my late teen and early 20's, i never learned to build proper relationships with women. So instead i turned to fantasy and masturbation.

For me it's not so much about the shame of masturbation, but more a feeling of shame and guilt that i was/am too afraid to work on a relationship with women.

I'm reading "The Most Personal Addiction" by Joe Zychik, which is freely available online (http://sexualcontrol.com/)
I don't agree with everything he writes, but he does give me a fresh perspective to learn and cope with anxiety and stress..

perhaps it can give you guys some new insights too


Hey OCN,

Thanks for sharing your insights. I felt a surge of guilt when I read your first sentence. I felt convicted. I felt awful. It's true... masturbation can come in the way of relationships. I am pissed off at myself for choosing masturbation compulsively, and pissed off at others whose influence on me from an early age about sex proved to have harmful, negative impacts on my development and self-esteem.

I'd say that 99% of my sexuality up to this point has been exclusively funneled into fantasy and masturbation. It's sad! I hate it, I was made for more, I want and yearn for something better. And to make things worse, the shame I felt about masturbation only made it even more ensnaring, impossible to quit, and it troubled me day after day after day.

I had too much anxiety over the topic to read much of the addiction link you sent me. It did seem to offer something I found helpful about shame, but it was also a bit intimidating and I'm not ready.

My latest progress with masturbation guilt have been in the areas of pornography and anger, actually. Discovering myself, loving myself and experiencing my sexuality apart from pornographic stimulation... is a beautiful thing. More insights about that on my post above and in this thread

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