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#506090 - 01/29/17 12:36 PM Hello Everyone
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 23
Loc: Missouri
Hi, I'm Winterfr3sh.

I was sexually abused in science class on multiple occasions by my lab partner. We were in 8th grade.

That's not the only abuse I have suffered. What left me prone to this type of abuse was probably going on earlier. I was raise by very loving but legalistic parents. My mother taught me to fear hell, and I took things very seriously as a child. So I denied myself my own feelings. I was also denied my own sexuality due to my mother and fathers' over-zealous protection and discouragement.

I have a lot of hurt. I have a lot of repressed rage. I am in a very stressful, uncertain time of my life. I work extremely hard, and I have extreme anxiety.

I am also struggling with shame. Massive amounts of shame over who I am. I feel like I've wasted much of my life so far (I'm 24). I feel ashamed and that everything is my fault, and I deserve hell. That's also part of the LCMS Lutheran theology I was brought up in. "You're a poor, miserable sinner." I believed that that's how God wanted me to feel, all the time, or else I couldn't be saved from the hell I so desperately deserved.

I am out to Facebook about my sexual abuse. I have tried to lose my faith, but have not succeeded. I don't want to, but I need to let go of my deep shame somehow.

I am on here because I need to work through my issues and have my story be heard. I have been extremely guilty and ashamed of myself and my sexuality for so long. I have not been satisfied with myself. I've never dated (My first girlfriend was actually just this December...but she and I are backing off because of this dark stuff coming out of me now...)

I go to counseling twice a week and I just started medication again. I am a full time nursing school student and violinist.

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#506091 - 01/29/17 02:01 PM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Donald177 Offline


Registered: 01/12/17
Posts: 17
Loc: Virginia
Hello Winterfr3sh,

Dear bother, I am so sorry that you have experienced so much pain. I am sorry that your parents have added extra stress on you. I am thankful that you are here. You will be surrounded by so much support and encouragement. Share what you wish all in your timing. Please feel free to message me anytime.

Best wishes on your pursuit of your nursing degree. I know you are putting in lots of hours. This can bring on more stress. Take one day at a time.

Many blessings,
Donald

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#506102 - 01/29/17 08:56 PM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 23
Loc: Missouri
Thanks Donald

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#506106 - 01/29/17 10:31 PM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Ceremony Offline


Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 787
Loc: Minnesota
Hello WinterFr3sh, This is a good place to explore possibilities, while having support on that journey. There is a wealth of experience in these forums.
It takes a lot of time to read back, and stay in touch with active threads. Work, life, needs, etc... I hope you feel welcome. Best wishes to you!

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#506115 - 01/30/17 07:19 AM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
motmcd Offline


Registered: 08/15/12
Posts: 150
Loc: PA
Hello, Winterfr3sh, and welcome to this wonderful community. I'm sorry for your troubles, is the old Irish expression. I use it sincerely and hope you find peace.

Everything you feel, your sense of shame, lack of direction, and more have been felt by most of us here. You're on a good path to getting such feelings behind you. Keep working with your therapist. Be patient with yourself. Smile. We're all here for you.

Peace,
Tom


Edited by motmcd (01/30/17 07:20 AM)

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#506122 - 01/30/17 10:33 AM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
manipulated Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/14
Posts: 396
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Welcome Winterfr3sh

You are not alone and the Missouri Synod has no monopoly on religious guilt. Raised Presbyterian here but same suppressed repressed guilt ridden sinner and damned sinner teachings. You are much stronger than I when it comes to being out with the abuse on facebook but the sharing I have done is only through support and safety I have felt since I joined this site.

Glad you are here sorry for why.

manipulated
_________________________
Feeling, Healing, Recovering.

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#506124 - 01/30/17 11:47 AM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3438
Winterfr3sh

I think in order to be a church, it must pass the guilt test. I am glad you found your way here. Remember it was not your fault. Support is essential in the healing process. I am glad you have therapy and a doctor to help you find the medications that will assist you in healing.

Thoughts are with you.

Kevin

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#506130 - 01/30/17 05:56 PM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Ceremony]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 23
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By Ceremony
Hello WinterFr3sh, This is a good place to explore possibilities, while having support on that journey. There is a wealth of experience in these forums.
It takes a lot of time to read back, and stay in touch with active threads. Work, life, needs, etc... I hope you feel welcome. Best wishes to you!



Yeah I have a busy life trying to stay on top of school right now, working through anxiety. But this place exists and I enjoy it. I just referred my best friend to this place. He may be joining soon, or may not. If he does, I'll be the first to welcome him. I'll let him tell his story.
Hope to stay in touch with you Ceremony. You like like a very nice young man in that profile picture smile

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#506134 - 01/30/17 06:25 PM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: Winterfr3sh]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 933
Loc: Southern US
Hi Winterfr3sh - WELCOME,

I'm glad you joined us on this journey of healing. Just to know there are others with abusive pasts who are surviving and thriving has been a comfort to me, and I hope you find this true. Counseling and medication are so important, it's encouraging to see those have a place in your busy schedule.

As you've found, shame can be deadly but you have no need for shame, regardless of earlier teaching. It's much easier said than done, but I hope you can internalize this truth, and not have to lose your faith to do so. Sometime our faith is the only thing that will carry us through those really dark, lonely places.

Take care of yourself, heal well, and best wishes as you continue with your music and nursing school.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up...Winston Churchill

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#506140 - 01/30/17 10:41 PM Re: Hello Everyone [Re: motmcd]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/25/17
Posts: 23
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By motmcd
Hello, Winterfr3sh, and welcome to this wonderful community. I'm sorry for your troubles, is the old Irish expression. I use it sincerely and hope you find peace.

Everything you feel, your sense of shame, lack of direction, and more have been felt by most of us here. You're on a good path to getting such feelings behind you. Keep working with your therapist. Be patient with yourself. Smile. We're all here for you.

Peace,
Tom


Thanks. I like the Irish expression. I kinda hear it being said in Michael Caine's voice (the butler from the Dark Knight Batman movies).

I'm really working on not feeling ashamed of myself all the time. It's hard to believe how long I've been living under a dark cloud of shame and anxiety. So long. Unbelievable. I'm pissed off. I need anger therapy too. Any ideas?

I'll keep on the path. See you round.

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