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#507674 - 03/14/17 07:44 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2122
Loc: Minnesota
So, before this EMDR starts next Monday, I have the thoughts that are difficult for me to quell. I have believed since my T showed me I can't stop thinking or feeling something, that it's best to let it happen. Of course processing it, working a way to ground myself and if I can just do it, cope with mindfulness/ meditation.

I started looking for emotional coping with EMDR therapy and I like this link:

EMDR and beyond

-----

The fear of feelings has been a part of my life since my earliest memories. I expect bad things, I don't think anything good will remain with me, and I have to understand the pain is what I know. If you've followed most or all of this thread, you'll know that fear of feelings, how I worked so hard to not feel in my past, is what EMDR is all about. The expectation is that feeling will occur and it's impact will be manageable.

That's why going in with a memory of a particular trauma, part of a trauma, etc... is that I'll go in with a scale of 9-10 pain, and have it go down to 0-1. This expectation has fear too. Note there is plenty of talk about the anxiety of session after session of parts of the trauma that don't go down. With someone who has anxiety, and this pain, coping skills, aka knowing what they are and having had a chance to practice them, is vital to making it through EMDR.

Complex PTSD is one of the things that is given the most pre-interview work. It's so important that the client has learned the coping skills, that prematurely starting EMDR could create a severe relapse. We've suffered enough, and since I cringe and cry just writing that, Yeah, we've suffered enough.

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#507675 - 03/14/17 08:00 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2122
Loc: Minnesota
I think part of this that I'm working hard on, and think is so important is that I've a limited time to get this EMDR therapy it's temporary, and I have to find the most impactful healing for whatever time it occurs. I've written a lot already and I've reviewed it quite a few times. I'm sure I've chosen those traumas that have had the most impact on me. Though, I know there are some things about life, that because of a certain amount of ambiguity to other memories, they're left out and I'm just trying to avoid thinking more about that. Being practical is a source of anxiety, the unknown of how long I will be allowed to do this therapy gives me fear that I will get just so far.

Let me work this out a bit, I think so much, that writing slows that, because I can revisit this by reading, instead of thinking.

So, My list is like this:
1) Bullying trauma
2)Molestation
3)My Big Brother (of the organization for boys without fathers) is taken from me by my mother's request I end our relationship. She's married my 3rd step father. It lasts about 4 months, and the most stable part of my life up to that point is gone.
4)9th Grade, thrown away by my mother.
5)Living with my dad, and I get raped by 2 strangers.

I didn't put this in exact order of their impact, but rather they're in the order of occurrence. To me, I really know that the bullying set me up for total failure the rest of my life, and if I don't deal with it... what's the point of anything?

So, That one is a key to the door of my healing. Without it, I will not get further. I know myself too well, and there's no getting around the bullies destroyed my life. So, I hope my EMDR can deal with that whole list. My wish is that I could add things.


Edited by Ceremony (03/14/17 10:24 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity

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#509610 - 04/27/17 02:45 PM . [Re: Ceremony]
Max1969 Offline


Registered: 04/24/17
Posts: 28
Loc: Colorado
.

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#509614 - 04/27/17 03:18 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Max1969]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2122
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Max1969, and welcome to MS, I've noticed you. Lately I'm overwhelmed and don't want to drag others down. I can find myself in a moment, unable, or not ready to write what I think my true nature desires. So, I stave off and punt for some better time.

I'm hoping you've seen that EMDR is effective? That it does take work to understand the distractions that would get in its way? That feels is actually good, that it's all about getting the brain to learn to use all of the networks in there to help process those intense feelings. It might take a few sessions to benefit from the depths of hell feelings, but it can if done properly.

Since I've only had one session I don't have a lot of feedback there, but that one was a success for sure. The preparation is the most important in my perception. And yes, competency and compassion are two things I need in an EMDR therapist, I've found both. The compassion to see my pain, acknowledge it, accept it, gives me the chance to deal with it. I don't want additional strain from some kind of push in a direction of this way or that, which in my experience can occur, or worse, the therapist is devoid of full involvement, just getting paid to listen.

So, my preparation has been all this thread, much reading of research, and lots of journaling. Then the therapist guided me to safe handling of the journaling, which are the targets I wrote up for the EMDR. My research of being prepared specifically showed me to seek targets, noting the bad, and then making an effort for a counter of something good. Processing later, just make a list I) i & ii, II) i & ii, etc... I made 14 pages like I've noted, and then I condensed it to about 7 with the i= pain, and the ii= good. I brought that list and she's kept it for us to process. We'll add if that's possible? A timing thing? I don't know how long I'm allowed under the pro bono system agreed to?

So, I spent months trying to arrange this and prepare. I think it's going to make a huge difference, when more of brain connects to process my deep emotions. And I'm a mess of deep emotions. I know I'm stuck in Fight, Flight, Submit and freeze, with much of my brain. I need to be released from this primitive state of brain function, to allow my entire brain it's chance to connect. That's EMDR's purpose. I'm hopeful.

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#510165 - 05/08/17 08:16 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2122
Loc: Minnesota
New information today was astounding. I can see why this therapy might wrack somebody, and send them reeling. Today I had a very physical reaction, but not from a trauma trigger. It was more about being in the therapy and what the therapy does. Today, I more fully connected and accepted what the therapy did toward connecting to my in 12 year old. The child in me that sat alone in time, disconnected from the adult me. Today, with forehead pain, seeming to sear in-between my eyes, with dizziness, and floating semi-dissociation, I connected.

This was not some whoosh and it happened, no, I started slow, and then with guidance, found the place he wanted to go with me, and then how I wanted to react to him. In this, the parts must have been correct, guidance surely helped to aim me there, the safe aura of the therapist and atmosphere, the timing, it all gave me that time spent with my 12 year old self. But it was very strange, very surreal, and it was Ok. I wanted it, he wasn't so sure, his pain transferred to me from across time (metaphor, it's always been in me) and I found it, accepted it and balled my eyes out. That's when the pain in my forehead and the dizziness, weightlessness kicked in. My body had some really deep reactions to this very charged therapy session and I came away very satisfied.

It was so jarring, I had to stop and ground, grab a drink, look around the room, and feel safe, and that all worked. It was a tremendous emotional and physical experience. Once I got to the point where myself at 12 wanted to be with myself now, I accepted it and my 12 yr old self did too. We got together and he/I started to see the safety of me being the one looking out onto the scene of where all his pain (in this case, horrific bullying) took place. This was now our fight, he wasn't alone. That's such a huge deal, it's so big, and emotional I can't begin to express it with words. I knocked over her pencil cup gesticulating, that how big a deal this was.

So, last weeks sensorimotor was also used to soothe me, holding me at 12. We were together, joined and it was a lot of physical stuff to accomplish that. SO, I understand why so many give this a difficulty level of very high to not possible. My determination wasn't all I needed either, like I mentioned, the safe place, therapist, etc... came together to bring all this about. It's exciting, less scary, I think? That amount of emotion was a huge deal. To have my body wrack with so much energy that my forehead felt like it would explode, is a really big deal. I had to stop at the moment is was that big, and that's where dizziness etc... played into this.

The T and I worked to bolster my grounding, she guided and reminded and I performed. It was a lot of effort to breath, and use my sensory techniques. We focused just ONE thing too. This was one part of my bullying pain in life. I'm sure it overlaps to all the other events, so I'm thinking it's other traumas like the molestation, neglect, rejection or what have you that will play into some of the next sessions. I can see how each need its own focus. If I had this much pain from this one, albeit a huge part of my self problems, I can imagine there is more pent up energy to dispel and give my brain new connections for processing.

So, it's bringing my 12 yr old in for processing. See? I can hardly believe this is happening? I'm happy about it, and know how big a deal this was today.

Thanks for listening.

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#510168 - 05/08/17 10:20 PM . [Re: Ceremony]
Max1969 Offline


Registered: 04/24/17
Posts: 28
Loc: Colorado
.

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#513217 - 07/11/17 04:25 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2122
Loc: Minnesota
I've a lot to add since last I worked on this thread, and to me, it's a focus of exactly what I need to do toward recovery. Healing my brain's wiring is a real need for me, and at this point it comes down to practicing internal conversation. I have posted this around and I know some of you have read it already, I want it here so I can always find it, and anyone else will have their chance:

The Treatment of Structural Dissociation in Chronically Traumatized Patients - Janina Fisher, Ph.D.

What is important for me, is to know the schematic of how my brain is working, the top, the internal central zone with Amygdala and limbic system, and don't forget the Vagus Nerve, then the brain stem animal survival.

The simplest picture I know, is the color pic in the center of this page


I don't yet have a picture to show what I mean, but they do exist, my therapist has shown me. They're available to therapists to purchase, along with so many other things to explain the work going on with the brain. I'll post pics if I come across them. I'm going out on a limb to share this page, and I will slowly go over it for myself. Anyone who wants to talk about it, please do? PM me?

Dissociative Identity Disorder

It's very important to note that DID has a role in recognizing the individual parts I am talking to; internal dialogue. I see DID as vital to understanding how I do this work.
I have a lot of new homework to work on my internal dialogue, and I can't find an easily accessible page of what that entails. What I read from Janina Fisher is what homework I am specifically doing and it's detailed. I will draw from any of the internal talk I can get going, and go specifically toward that long ago part of me that might first feel the feeling I'm encountering.

That last part in bold I expect to be confusing, unless you've been at it for some time? I'm just starting, so sharing this is my way to return to what I'm trying to understand, and hope that someone else wants to share their experience with it?

What I expect to happen, is that the reptilian parts, which have been my survival from childhood will start to wire with the central and most importantly the neocortex. That neocortex is going on with life and it wants to process my pain, my sorrow, my deepest anxieties and splits from childhood insanity, to adult dysfunction. It's that, I expect the homework to give me a chance to grow up, and have those dearest little ones of me in childhood, know I care about them and love them as much as I love my brothers and family.

I'm reticent to add this, it's part of my problems and I want this to be a focus of the study to figure out how to work on recovery, healing the parts that hurt so badly. I have to carefully consider the impact of EMDR desensitization going forward. Two reasons tied together. The first has to do with an increase of reaction that is an unintended consequence of EMDR. The second, tied to the first, is the reason of that unintended consequence. I am in a toxic marriage, unfortunately what can happen if EMDR is used while other major stress is occurring, then what was intended to be desensitized, could actually become more agitated than before.

So, I'm backing off EMDR until I get this work going.


Edited by Ceremony (07/11/17 05:42 PM)

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#513219 - 07/11/17 06:25 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Ceremony]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 417
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Very helpful, Ceremony, thanks for posting. Through my current T and some great podcasts, I have already learned so much about my Amygdala or instinctive brain VS. my Frontal cortex or rational brain, and it has really helped me a lot in avoiding some fear and anxiety.

Actually I am going to be meeting with a new therapist on Thursday, with the goal to eventually start EMDR work with him. I will keep my current T so will have 2 concurrently. Both know about the other. I see the current T on Skype because he is far away, so he would not be able to do the EMDR with me, but this 2nd one can because he is more local.

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#513220 - 07/11/17 06:39 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Chris4TheMill]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2122
Loc: Minnesota
Chris, it's been hard to follow some of your previous discussions of internal dialogue, those affirmations. I'm finally understanding the role and homework that entails, and can appreciate it much better. Thanks for staying on focus with that, it's helpful. In your thread/s or here, please do give any sense of your take on rewiring homework.

Best wishes!

Ohhh, I just noticed the time, I am getting ready for work. My first day back since knee surgery, and very nearly 4 months has gone by. I'm very nervous, but I know my coworkers and they will make this much better. I'm telling myself to trust them for safety. My little boys are jumping all over with anxiety. I don't know which one, I've not the time to focus in on that, but they're going to have to trust me, and my coworkers, we'll be Ok!!


Edited by Ceremony (07/11/17 06:42 PM)

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#513222 - 07/11/17 06:59 PM Re: EMDR and me [Re: Ceremony]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 445
Loc: FL
Chris4TheMill
Good luck with EMDR...and Ceremony good luck with resuming work. Take care both of you.

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