Hi MACH, I've grown into thinking, and hidden the reality. I'm a mild, meek person. I'm probably what would be considered a huge man, 6'4", and heavy at present. I don't look good now, but if I lost 50 lbs, I carry it well. I would be best if I were somewhere around 200 +/-. That noted, I do perceive my looks with some fear, a context of being judged, body shamed. I've endured intolerable bullying when I was pre-puberty, by boys who saw me as a freak. I was to be nothing and disappear. Fortunately, there wasn't this internet, so I only had them at school. I could hide at home.
The body shaming hurt me badly. I hid my effeminate underlying personality, and I didn't know anything about sexuality until about 14 or 15. I didn't even try to have sex until about 21. I've had one partner.
Having this body, is so tormenting, it's kept me a secret person, hiding who I am, who I want to be. I want to be a man, who men like, but I can't, or won't do what some men think men are like. I don't like most sports, I don't enjoy watching and I don't like playing some of them very much. I had a few short times where I experimented with sports. I tried to force myself to like soccer, but I have got tall and gangly, and had a lot of trouble with technique. I tried golf, but my lower back would hurt. I tried tennis, but I don't have a strong wrist. I tried a bit of throwing football and a bit of shooting a basketball into the hoop. I never got into playing.
So, there's that background, and my desire to do things like art, or wishing I could be around music; performers or something, but to do things like that. I've always been very poor and felt extremely insecure toward exerting myself. This all plays from being neglected, being bullied, molested and then that rape. There were times of seeking help when I was young, and in the sense, how I didn't know things, I didn't know what I needed, and no one cared to help me. So, isolated, adrift, and wanting to be someone, I tried things and failed. Always things end where I found myself isolated, feeling unfairly treated, insecure, underpaid, not trying because I have deep fear and anxiety, I wanted to be released from manhood things.
That isn't so easy. I would have rather been the house husband, as my life changed to married with children. I failed to know how a relationship works, and I am stuck, horrified by the verbal abuse I endure.
So, I walk on eggshells, de-escalate, seek to placate, be submissive to make her less trouble. It's survival, I don't want the anxiety of conflict, but can't escape it. Sometimes, I argue, I yell back, and then it escalates to epic disaster. I have to submit, and placate or there's no hope of any peace. I've had enough torment over all these decades with her, I have to placate.
My life is a sham, I can't be me, and I haven't money, or a network to escape. I am trying to find some help. I've started that, I've worked hard to find some help and maybe it's started. I'm filled with intense anxiety about that. If I do something, if I leave, will I make it with my personality? I'm submissive, and barely stick up for myself, though I can communicate pretty well.
I think I write pretty well, but don't have a good grasp of processes or life. I'm very inexperienced and have to take a chance and see if I'm not or am being offensive, if I'm being a dolt who doesn't know something, or can try and might find it Ok? Maybe really good? I'm good and really good at some things, wouldn't it be cool if we could do those?
To say, why don't you, is to deny that I have this terrible life, this horrid existence where I'm oppressed, submissive to another whom I can't escape. There's no hope in this scenario and I can't just walk away. Nothing is that simple. Nothing.
I would talk someone to boredom, and be effusive and giggly if I were allowed to be me. I like to laugh, I like flower gardens, I like bird watching, I like walks, I like cuddles and cuteness, I want love and simplicity. I'm stuck in horror with some moments of relief. I'm exaggerating to a small degree, I'm biased that my life is so horrible, but, others certainly have it far worse. I'm not beaten, I'm just verbally ruined. I am tense all the time and my body has suffered to much. It may be too late to fix that. I'm too old. I've suffered too long.
Maybe some good times could help fix my body some, but it needs a lot of tlc and that's all on me. I am not one to do things without help, and it's that help that motivates me. I don't have help, so motivation gets stuck in loving myself, which I struggle immensely.
My feminine or desire to be a mild, loving, peaceful person has been shoved back into my face, and it's wrecked my body. The damage to my mind, translates to that damage to my body. So, knowing all this, seems like I would have found answers. Sure, money would cure all this shit, but that's not my lot in life. I'm poor, like so many who suffer poverty. I'm not in the worst of it either. I am just living paycheck to paycheck, and my wife has managed to be the provider, while bemoaning and belittling my failure to provide at any time. That's not true either, but she'll not stop.
So, this is a good start. If I could get into more of this, and that's possible, I'm just talkative all the time, and really, I don't know when to stop. A good partner would help me, but I muddle through. I try, I hope I'm endearing, likeable? I cry to myself to endure my low self worth.