Pretty profound for a guy like me MACH123, and I want to own me, be me, have me be whom I refer. I get others can be like me, like you, and all whom they are, it's that need, to find that hidden, or not part of me which knows what I'm reading.
I've been married in a dance of stress for decades now, the dance is a slow stress, with many starts and stops of hurricane forces. Sometimes in it drugs kept the eye somewhere where it hovered over me, sometimes it was alcohol, sometimes running away, sometimes submissiveness and other aggression. I am seeing how hard it is to think and be, and my complex nuance can drive me mad sometimes.
A 'what if'... if as I've often been, a placate, the submissive de-escalation partner (nothing to do with sex), had validity, it requires a loving partner. I have a found mine a mix of dominant and needy, but without regard of any need for me, except shelter and food. It's that, if I were caring, she demands that I would have been, or can now be a provider. A patriarchal archetype 'Father knows best' provider, so she could make her money and have it all for her wishes... So, I twist it at the end. Yes, she wants all hers, all due and more, and be damned that I fail because the stress and fuel of derision obstructs, inhibits and sabotages success... I find her thoughts puerile and stupid beyond my capacity to accept... yet I persist for shelter and food, plus the need to protect offspring. I'm a female inside, when traditional role reversal is considered, and I embrace it, wish it were mine to embrace and act upon, but I'm derided by the one who could permit it wholly... my wife.
Society, role reversal, it seems I'm misogynist, I wish that my wife were Ok with being the provider and letting me happy home maker, nurturer, activity maker, and submit to demands. I think I could easily work that into everything, but I'm not allowed to, and it's Ok to try to be more assertive and motivated to find success, if I can manage my very real stressors, my trauma triggers, and all... I have heard it's victim mentality, and I bristle beyond aggression for being pushed back, my anger rises viscerally when confronted about some presumed victim mentality and I have an overwhelming urge to shove and push and force.... It's very unhealthy. To the extreme... especially because my nature is to placate. But, some triggers foment a rise in mother protector rage, like inside me the Lioness knows my little children of my past, my parts are being attacked and I my Lioness will rise and smite the attacker without mercy...
Edited by Ceremony (07/28/17 09:07 AM)
Edit Reason: 'her'