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#505582 - 01/11/17 11:17 AM An honest confession from a partner
CeliaMac Offline


Registered: 05/16/13
Posts: 4
I am a partner of a survivor. For my own benefit, I have decided to join a recovery program--maybe some of you know of Celebrate Recovery--for my own issues. One of the steps is that we must confess our faults and sins.

What I am about to say may trigger others, but I am not looking to be judged nor am I looking for advice. In order to complete step 5 of the program, I must admit this fault: if my boyfriend is really bisexual (he's confused, possibly because of his SA), I don't know if I can stay with him. And this is wrong and closed-minded to feel this way.

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#505594 - 01/11/17 02:24 PM Re: An honest confession from a partner [Re: CeliaMac]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4157
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
CeliaMac

I am a male survivor and also have worked with CR - and have found it very helpful (in addition to therapy, support group, and lots of reading and writing and discussion here on MS.)

i am glad that when i was in the worst state of trying to deal with the CSA as an adult, my wife stuck with me. I was also very confused about my identity and orientation and did some things in reaction to the confusion that were troubling to my wife and detrimental to our relationship. eventually, we figured things out and we are still together.

this kind of confusion and varying degrees of acting out are very typical in survivors. not easy on the relationship! but very common. so there is no telling how things may turn out.

of course, since you are not married, you are under no obligation to stay together, and there may be reasons why it would not be in your own best interest to do so.

anyway, don't beat yourself up too much. you are not necessarily "wrong and closed-minded."

my best wishes as you continue to work through this.
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#505596 - 01/11/17 02:54 PM Re: An honest confession from a partner [Re: CeliaMac]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 218
Loc: Texas
CeliaMac -

I think you getting into recovery for yourself is WONDERFUL! I think its a good thing no matter WHAT your history to self evaluate and work on your own faults.

I think if you feel it is a fault to not want to stay with your boyfriend if he is bisexual it is your right to do so. Your opinion is valid, and is built on your own ideals of what is moral, ethical and good. I just dont agree that it makes you close minded. :-) I think that it is hard enough to go through all you are going through to then have to face this. Real or not - it brings up all sorts of insecurities related to "competition" and concern. I dont think there is anything wrong with anyone being bi-sexual, gay, straight - honestly I dont care one way or another as it doesnt affect me. When it DOES affect me is when its how my partner feels. I too would have to really think about if I would be OK with a bi-sexual partner.

Granted, my reasoning might be a little different. I dont think I would have cared about bi-seuxality previous to this relationship. I do think I would care now because I have become incredibly insecure from how my husband treats me, and that would just add another layer of that. I too am working on myself, to overcome these insecurities and trying to conquer my own faults, basically trying to take my life back!

Like Traveler says - dont beat yourself up about it - right now you are in a tough situation, and this label just might be too much to deal with and that is OK. All you can do is be honest with yourself and with your partner. If you want to change that mentality, there is nothing wrong with that either.

Hang in there!
_________________________
*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

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