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#505531 - 01/09/17 11:54 PM In my head
Tryingtolive Offline


Registered: 02/15/15
Posts: 751
In my head.
There are loud voices
In my head.
The inner critiques scream
In my head.
Telling me lies I believe.
In my head
I'm never at peace.
In my head
I do anything to distract myself.
In my head
The demons keep me awake.
In my head
There is a war.
In my head
I'm always in my thoughts.
In my head
Trying to run from it all
In my head
There's no escape.
In my head
no one else matters.
In my head
Focus is on me at all times.
In my head
The spotlight never changes.
In my head
I seek for peace
In my head
I can't say what's going on.
In my head
I can't eliminate the negativity.
In my head
It will never make sense to you.




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#505547 - 01/10/17 11:08 AM Re: In my head [Re: Tryingtolive]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1916
Loc: Minnesota
I understand and know that thinking well. Ttl, in your other post "update" I found part of my inner child. Thank you. Here, I can validate your mind storms, the hamster wheel run of thoughts, the frequency of distraction, the push and pull of the inner discussion.

I'm going to try to love myself a little today. I'm going to see if it works. It always makes me cry to have ANY thought I'm lovable. Totally washes me in pain and self doubt. Like, DON'T lie! I'm not lovable, I'm a scapegoat, a punching bag, a subject outside of normal purposes. A left over. But, after all that... giving the derision of past experience a matter of fact acknowledgment, it can be shelved. I 'll open a new page thank you very much.

Loving myself seems an odd concept? Some poetry is brewing in me. Paper and pencil time... without a computer, my writing has slowed dramatically. I have a lot of little notebooks though, some filled, some need my attention.

Best wishes Ttl.

_________________________
Finding ways to cope with my mind!

https://youtu.be/6nQc1ADbWLA
This is the story of my rape, posted on MS:
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...1680#Post501680

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#505551 - 01/10/17 01:36 PM Re: In my head [Re: Ceremony]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3749
Ceremony

Great to hear you are going to work on loving yourself. That is so important--I too need to work on that aspect of me. I am confident you can do it. I am writing profusely and it seems to be helping. It is clearing out all the clutter and I realize I am not a bad person, I have done good and I have done things not so good. I was writing about my dissociation and I realize I am beating myself trying to remember or put what others say happened in those periods into a memory. I realize I need to listen to the doctors--the memories will not be recaptured--I survived and why I dissociated was to cope. I am going to stop beating myself up about the dissociation and whatever I may have done so be it because creating a false memory would be worse than processing a true memory.

I hear you and I too want 2017 to be a year where I love myself. My writing may not make some love me but the memories need to be processed.

Good luck

Kevin

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#505556 - 01/10/17 05:50 PM Re: In my head [Re: KMCINVA]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1916
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you Kevin. I too find writing helps me. And getting some affirmation and feedback is so welcome. Bless you brother.

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