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#505377 - 01/03/17 07:14 AM See through
Tryingtolive Offline


Registered: 02/15/15
Posts: 773
I see through it all
The love
The joy
The happiness
The trust
The laughs
The honesty
I don't feel
The love
The joy
The Happiness
The trust
The laughs
The honesty.
Advice I hear
But none I can share.
The misery
Kept behind cement walls.
Breaking them down.
As I continue to deconstruct.
All I feel is pain.
Living with the shame.
My voice is silent.
I'm feeling violent.
The rage lingers.
Blame myself giving the world Both my middle fingers.
Don't show weakness
Sick and hopeless.
There's a problem
But can't solve it.

wishing someone could see through my issues and tell me it's okay.



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#505386 - 01/03/17 04:12 PM Re: See through [Re: Tryingtolive]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2127
Loc: Minnesota
Tryingtolive, It's a big deal, for you, for me, to at least sense others understand. I have that ability, that life, those experiences. All here, sharing like our dear brother zookeeper has now; all here begin to, have fully, or somewhere in between, connect to understanding.

This place of talk, poetry, discussion, disclosure, support foments our bond.

I'm crying...

Here, in my house, pain reigns. Dear sorryson and Kevin understand, others? This is connection, this is validation, this partly releases my intense, full on muscle tearing rage! I can, in the moments of being called "dick" or hearing "sckscksck" for the 4th time on a day. For the 100th that week, for the 10,000th in a year, stir rage of berzerk ancients. I grab my headphones, and play music - rarely calming, I hear Mr. Chuck D's Public Enemy. It raps to oppression, greed of self serving bullies, corporations for oligarchs to supress change agents, advocacy! I listen! It changes my drive from inward rage, to outward thinking. Some drive in me, kindled at 18, on my own, Do something! Just do it!

Being poor, scapegoated, bullied, friendless, stirs fear in me. What will I do, how will I do it? I've been writing, almost 2 decades now. Sober almost 17 yrs, old with arthritis! 55 is NOT being kind to me! Poor again, pushed around, seeing bullies and fools in all the news, and few get ME! I think more of pity for me.

I want money and power, both I'll never have... To foment a break of corporate personhood, corporate drive to own it all, and representative governance, truly as intended... call me a delusional dreamer.

I'm a survivor with driven spirit. A mind well acquainted with the guile of others. Deeply passionate.

I know the wall. Mine keeps me tapping words, not saying them. Whom wants to listen to me?

I know the wall. Mine is now age, daily pain, physical and emotional.

I know the wall. Mine is guilt to involve family, who had nothing to do with this... except neglect when raising me. But now, they're wish is to love me, mine is fear. Mine is guilt. Mine is I can't take more than I already have every day.

I hear you Tryingtolive. I know. Ok?


Edited by Ceremony (01/03/17 04:24 PM)
_________________________
Finding ways to cope with my mind!
The next link is the song "Ceremony", and why I use it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytZ73T9jGFQ
This is the story of my rape, posted on MS:
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...1680#Post501680

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#505387 - 01/03/17 05:24 PM Re: See through [Re: Tryingtolive]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825
Trytolive

I feel your pain. I find with certain people I cannot feel love, joy, happiness, trust, happiness, laughs and honesty. There are others where these can be felt--I can only feel these emotions, sensations when my mind is blank of those who have taken these emotions and sentiments away. I wish I could live in the world where those that have robbed me of me would be a blank. But it is not the way it is.

Take care of yourself.

Kevin

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#505388 - 01/03/17 05:28 PM Re: See through [Re: Ceremony]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825
Ceremony

I am sorry you are suffering so much--emotionally and physically. Physical pain can be crippling as can emotional pain. You are being hit from multiple sides. You are also living in an emotionally unsafe place, trapped by circumstances. You believe your family wants to love you now--is it possible for you to reach out and accept their love and help?

I hate to see anyone in your consuming pain. I know it and today I am trying to fight it. I guess fighting it is all we can do until we can conquer it.

Please take care of yourself.

Kevin

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