Newest Members
jonn, Caine, Mark005, spartan2123, 4n0n
13355 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Erik1972 (45), IFEMan (52), Janie101 (51), Janiepie (51), jefhol (46), lonelyboy (32), ncnyc (52)
Who's Online
5 registered (PhilUK, Shyshark, Broknwings, 2 invisible), 73 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,355 Registered Members
76 Forums
69,251 Topics
482,232 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#504993 - 12/20/16 07:54 PM Maternal abuse
New47bliss Offline


Registered: 12/17/16
Posts: 37
Loc: California
I was adopted at the age of 2 by a couple who later divorced when I was 8. The covert abuse by my mother started at that time. She bathed, showered and slept with me as I was her "little man" or "man of the house". At 11 or so I started puberty and began having many erections and started playing with my penis. About then is when my mother began the overt sexual abuse. She began to masturbate me and come to bed nude or with little night clothes. It resulted in full sex.
When I was 13 she remarried and my stepdad was fully aware of our sexual relationship. It was then that I started to be abused by him. She a knew and encourage his abuse and at times they both sexually abused me at the same time. I became very sexualized and was willing at times and many times went looking for it. It ended when I left the home, now both have passed and I never got answers to questions I have. They never acted like anything unusual ever happened. All of this led to much self blame and guilt especially later in life. My wife is fully understanding and supportive. Now I still carry much guilt and sex seems like flashbacks at times. I seem to be in a world of guilt and arousal at the same time. I would love to hear similar experiences and how it was handled. Thanks

Top
#505007 - 12/21/16 11:43 AM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 555
Loc: Idaho
I can certainly relate to the sense of guilt and shame. I can also relate to your experience. my signature has a link to my story below. feel free to message me any time. we seem to have a fair amount in common. be well!
_________________________
Life is pain, marked only at intervals in which the pain is less severe!
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8212#Post478212

Top
#505017 - 12/21/16 03:23 PM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: iaccus]
New47bliss Offline


Registered: 12/17/16
Posts: 37
Loc: California
iaccus,
I would love to hear more about your experiences. I always thought I was alone with my experiences in childhood. The people who were suppose to protect took advantage and I always had guilt, shame and self loathing at the same time. Although at the time I somehow went along. I hope we can share thoughts about these unusual family . Please feel free to contact me. I am new here so I am not sure how to correspond one to one
New47bliss

Top
#505018 - 12/21/16 05:05 PM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 555
Loc: Idaho
I received your message and responded. I welcome the correspondence. there are a lot of good people here at ms, and by sharing our pain with others it is in some small way less painful. myself and others are also frequently in the chat here at ms in the afternoon and evenings. you are not alone brother!
_________________________
Life is pain, marked only at intervals in which the pain is less severe!
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8212#Post478212

Top
#505061 - 12/23/16 01:20 AM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 385
Loc: Europe
My mother abused me, too. She would sort of watch me when I dressed, and sometimes come into me room half naked. She made lots of comments about my developing body and into my adulthood showed an inappropriate interest in my sex life. She also touched me. Some of these things coincide with the timing of my parents' divorce.

It upsets me that when I talk about this in therapy or when I write about it here, I get an erection. It makes me think that I liked it and went along with it. In therapy it's not noticeable that this happens to me, but I have told my therapist that I am ashamed for getting aroused when remembering things, and that I wonder if I should have done more to stop it then.

The arousal is just a physiological thing. (I actually think we misunderstand erections, but that is for another thread.) It doesn't mean I "liked" it, and even if it does, I was just a kid. I couldn't fight Mom. She scared me in some ways, and also I really wanted her approval. Also, after the divorce, I didn't not want any more loss of parental presence.

Thanks for writing about what your mom did. It helps to know I am not alone.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

Top
#505285 - 12/30/16 02:06 PM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 351
Loc: Canada
Hi New47bliss!
Originally Posted By New47bliss
I would love to hear similar experiences and how it was handled. Thanks

Count me in too!. You can read my story in the link in the footer below.

I very much identify with the confusion, guilt and shame you mention. I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive partner. That's a precious gift I wish I had.

How I handled it? Denial worked for many years until I finally fully embraced my attraction to a woman and found that I became very unstable emotionally very rapidly. It further fell apart when my health collapsed while allowing a woman into my life who was strongly interested in me. Healing my body and healing from childhood trauma coming primarily through my mother have been intimately connected for me. Mike Lew's book and Hani Miletski's book have been very helpful. Body work (particularly Cranio-sacral with a safe male therapist) has been helpful. My Naturopath has been fantastic and this forum has been crucial for me too. Finding ways to actively pursue whatever avenue I thought held promise has been good for me and very empowering (although not always leading to the results I was expecting!). Currently I'm exploring creative writing as a way to help me heal. Lucia Cappacchione and Stephanie Mines wrote some interesting books along this line. I may experiment with volunteering with animals to get some more affection in my life too.

I would love to explore the non-sexual aspects of Marnia Robinson's approach to healing in sexual relationships (described in "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" and here: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1734). I'd need a partner for that. Maybe it's something your partner would be interested in exploring with you. I would also like to explore Somatic Experiencing with a male practitioner. A local support group of male survivors would be nice. I'd also like a more enthusiastic group of local people who are into exploring non-sexual touch along the lines of the "Cuddle Party" model.

Best wishes as you pursue your healing and welcome to MaleSurvivor.org ! It's a great place to meet people who understand, are supportive, and are pursuing their own healing.

Sincerely,

GAATT

PS: I think a solid rooting in my own spiritual pursuits has been crucial for me too!


Edited by gaatt (12/30/16 02:21 PM)
Edit Reason: add a PS
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

Top
#505415 - 01/04/17 11:51 AM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
LinEar Offline


Registered: 06/02/15
Posts: 235
Loc: USA
Thanks for the concise and helpful summary, GAATT.
_________________________
Spotlight...get me out of this spotlight.

My silence is my self-defense.

Top
#505442 - 01/04/17 11:32 PM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 351
Loc: Canada
Hi LinEar,

You are most welcome! Thanks for the kudos! :-)
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

Top
#506938 - 02/23/17 04:21 PM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
andy75 Offline


Registered: 05/11/16
Posts: 4
Haven't checked in here for some time, so I've only just found this thread.

My situation was slightly different, but the consequences are the same. My mother was involved in my abuse, but she wasn't the main perpetrator. In fact I think that in many ways she was also exploited. Although she was very much a part of it, she was mainly following the lead of the "friends" who instigated the abuse. She had many problems with drink and drugs, among other things, problems that I only now understand, and these "friends" saw her vulnerability as an opportunity.

As to the consequences, I can totally relate - the early sexualization, the willingness, the seeking out of sexual contact. They were all part of my late preteen years. And in the long term, the guilt and confusion linger on. I enjoyed what happened at the time, and I still struggle to reconcile myself to that fact. I'm also a parent myself now, though separated from the mother of my son, and I have serious trust issues, especially as he reaches the age when my abuse started. Both of my main abusers were female, so I know what some women are capable of, and I understand only too well why a young impressionable boy would be happy to go along with them. I want to trust my ex and her friends, but I can't silence my doubts and fears.

My story: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=498415

Top
#506944 - 02/23/17 08:16 PM Re: Maternal abuse [Re: New47bliss]
payne Offline


Registered: 06/27/15
Posts: 55
Loc: USA
Your doubts and fears are completely understandable give your past. My mother abused me as a preteen when she was a single mom and continued to after she married again. I hope your fears and doubts are not being fulfilled. Do you have a therapist to talk with about these fears and doubts?

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.