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#504645 - Yesterday at 05:35 AM Life seems to have been a waste of time
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 371
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
A while back we lost pretty much everything, the house was nearly paid for, we had some money in the bank and I could see a way forward in my retirement (I'm nearly 60). My dissociation was under control, I'd given up drinking and was starting to feel good about myself after 45 or so years. We'd made plans as to what we were going to do together, back off work, develop my hobby into a part time business. I finally felt that I'd proven my abusers wrong.

They were right, who did I think I was kidding. It's what drew me to them in the first place, a lonely, skinny kid that was unable to make friends, pretty useless at most things, but they made me feel as though they wanted to be my friend that maybe I was worth something. Just goes to show.

So I'm pretty much at the bottom of a very deep well, and I'm not sure that I have the energy to dig myself out of it, all I can see is proof that nothing changes. The future stretches forward with nothing to look forward to. I'm drinking again, my dissociation is back - it's where I hid for all those years so it's an old friend, and I'm not sure that I can sink any lower.

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#504646 - Yesterday at 07:51 AM Re: Life seems to have been a waste of time [Re: tbkkfile]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3233
tbkkfile

I am sorry where you are--I am in the same boat as you. One thinks they are recovering and then something slams us--resurrecting the memories. It seems certain people have this control over me, why I question why.

I sank very low and was rescued in the nick of time. I have very bad moments and some good moments. My nightmares are back and like you I had been relatively dissociative free for some time until recently--found and then I had this moment when I felt it was not worth it and gave in. Fortunately, I was rescued.

My nightmares and flashbacks have returned. I know we must change how we see ourselves, we must extricate ourselves from those who wreak vengeance on us with lies, stories and ill will, we must accept what happened in a child's mind and not that of an adult for it is the adult mind of others that judge us. We must accept it was not our fault and we should not have guilt. I understand all I should be doing but the mind goes there for a time and then I regress back to the place I struggled to leave. It is confusing and I know your exhaustion. My eyes want to shut but I fight for I know what I will see in my mind.

tbkkfile together we can help each other and others who struggle. I know part of me wants a future with those who have been kind and compassionate and without those that have destroyed my sense of self and sadly they continue on this path. It is just getting there that is hard. We need to affirm we are good, we were not responsible for what happened to us nor how others have judged and treated us. I start this chant and then fall off the wagon. I need to be consistent and in time I will accept for truth.

Please take care of yourself for I hate to see anyone in a similar state as I. I know the dangers and what a moment lapse can do.

Kevin

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#504649 - Yesterday at 11:04 AM Re: Life seems to have been a waste of time [Re: KMCINVA]
Ceremony Online   confused


Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 438
Loc: Minnesota
Tbkkfile, as recently as yesterday morning, my outlook and thinking continued to pile darkness and self loathing upon my head!

This morning, and after a bit over a week of that downward spiral, I see that I was fighting like hell to fix it, and lost. Energy I didn't/don't have to spare went into every thinking moment! Sleep deprived, lost, extremely and viscerally angry, insomnia had me in its crushing grip! My anger, especially, and deeply tied to the win of evil for the ruin of my country, is being given to a bully. Whom allows fiercely extroverted racists and single minded greedy billionaire class thugs to run key positions! It's Germany ' s 1930's hete in the U.S., with pre-depression crash power grabbing by the richest Americans! I'm vulnerable to the triggers of bullies and my news is full of their antics. So, I avoid most news! Not all. I dabble in Progressive thinking, and influence. I'm nobody, but our Internet gives me a tiny voice in this maelstrom.

None of that political stuff is overly relevant to MS, but it is to me, a survivor warrior, advocating for myself, and victims who need immediate assistance. I am not directly, an in time, face to face advocate. My aim is to influence any thinking about law and applications to help serve victims. I write to blogs and politicians. I comment. It's part of how I build my self esteem. To give my voice a chance to be heard. Whether it is or not. Affirmation is a tiny part of the work. And that goes to your title for this thread, "to have been a waste of time".

It's perspective. Who is looking at the context, knows your, mine, anyones motives, aspirations, hopes and dreams. To write, not to write, talk, not to talk, seek, not to seek, on and on...

Perspective and that all important context really has a deep role for me, an over thinker. And, here, now, my T has added mindfulness to my experience, though the practice of it is so far, just knowing it exists. I'll post my experience, and I note DannyT has been seemingly applying this to posts for some time. I'm not recalling whether DannyT espouses mindfulness as I am?

Thank you to Kevin, whose voice here on MS is currently a very moving experience.

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#504650 - Yesterday at 04:35 PM Re: Life seems to have been a waste of time [Re: tbkkfile]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 524
Loc: Idaho
I can certainly relate to losing everything. at the time my csa began causing me issues, I had successfully completed a 15 year military career, been in law enforcement for 10 years. we had a large home, three children were on the cusp of adulthood. I had risen to a command staff position and it was hard to see how much higher I could go. then the memory issues, dissociation, and hallucinations began. in a little over a year I found myself forcibly retired, we lost our home, and all those colleagues that I considered my friends disappeared. we moved out of the city to this isolated mountain town and began seeing a therapist and other doctors. I still find it difficult to come to terms with the loss of identity. I now know that I will never again have the impact on others, or the influence that I once took for granted. my universe and my world have shrunk substantially. I can no longer measure my success in life by medals and promotions. instead, I try to focus on the few remaining relationships with family and steps toward recovery.I hope that your path takes you to a place of healing and a sense of accomplishment. good luck in your efforts!
_________________________
Life is pain, marked only at intervals in which the pain is less severe!
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8212#Post478212

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#504652 - Yesterday at 08:26 PM Re: Life seems to have been a waste of time [Re: tbkkfile]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3233
Someone said something to me. I had a bad situation recently, some know of it. I was told that those that react to someone who did what I did are the people I need in my life and those that failed to respond are showing who they truly are and people to take out of my life--blood is meaningless because they have failed to show remorse for their actions and the state of another's life. I have to give that thought. For many have said family is not blood but what comes from the heart.

I too I have lost everything but then I found people who are truly good people, not fake nor driven by guilt but driven by love. It becomes hard to accept people can care so much for me. This is my challenge--will I succeed or will I just let my life end. Not sure--but thinking which is better than a decision I guess.

Take heart for we all must think and love ourselves in order to live and achieve.

Kevin

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#504656 - Today at 07:12 AM Re: Life seems to have been a waste of time [Re: tbkkfile]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3233
I spent the entire night thinking and when I shut the eyes he was there. I think he is on my mind because of something that was told to me recently about him. But I dare not believe because I have heard before.

The memories I somewhat realized are paralyzing me. My bones ache and at times I am frozen in place. I try to push myself to stand, to call someone but I cannot move. I seem to be able to sit and write--not sure--maybe it releases some pain. I am glad I am able to do because otherwise I am not sure what I would do.

The exhaustion of this battle is overwhelming, eyes hurt, I cannot deal with confrontation nor ill words of me or anyone else in my presence--for sadness and hopelessness take over. Not a good place for me to be.

I even thought of how viable and motivated I once was and realized once the syncope began and the spiral of the memories took hold, life was slowly slipping away from me. That was almost 20 years ago. The memories and pain has not left since that time. I reread the words I received from the kind doctor in California who I finally told of the abuse last year. For some reason his kindness sticks in my mind. "I remember your case history very well. Both of us went through a difficult time trying to figure out as to what was causing....In retrospect, knowing what you went through, it makes sense as to the why....." "what you went through is really heartbreaking....." "Stress induced hormonal changes in the body are well known causes..."

I think my heart has been broken for so long. I think any sense of abandonment I felt just continued to break the heart. The attacks and triggers that brought me to the abuse further broke the heart and spirit to live. For people do not realize their words and actions broke a heart that was fractured so long ago. They did not know and silence prevented them from knowing. Would knowledge have changed how they treated me, probably not because after they knew it became worse in my heart and mind. It was a reality to me.

Does reliving and trying to put in chronology my downward spiral help--I do not know but I hope it gives me perspective of what is next. For sadness permeates the soul as the heart is broken and unable to mend.

I never forgot the doctor's word of "heartbreaking". I knew then it described how I had lived, with a broken heart for so long. I too am sad my silence with him years ago did not lead me to a path to heal. Silence why?

Reflection may be my savior as I scrape the bottom of hell on earth. I visualize my heart, strange I see the picture of the Sacred Heart with the heart pierced--as my heart was so many time pierced by the abuser and others, the crown of thorns that surround the heart hold be in a place that I should not be, for the thorns are holding me and my pain captive. This image was forever common in many homes as a child and I see my heart in such a way.

One day with the grace of many I will see the light and the heart will be free of the thorns so I may heal and the heart can beat loudly and proudly once again.

It is kind of funny I have more people checking in on me these days. At work people stop by and ask how am I doing. Generally this just happened in the hallway or kitchen area. People call and text--I think they just want to know I am here. I appreciate those people they are not seeking something only to know I am ok. I asked someone yesterday do I look like I am in need. They laughed and said at times and my eyes have bags to floor with a laugh. It made me laugh and when I looked in the mirror I could see it.

I even struggle with a simple response. I was to go to a 60th birthday party in CT but have no energy and have struggled with responding. I do not want to tell of my state of mind as being the reason I will not travel. I do fear where a long distance travel would take me. Life on hold maybe better than one that has hung up.

Kevin

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