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#50405 - 05/26/05 08:08 AM Need to see Dr... And scared
healing_inside Offline

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2007
I am terrified to go to the doctors to find out whatís going on. I need to go to the hospital and take care of it, but I just canít. I received a third and final letter from my doctorís office saying I need to come in and get checked, but I canít and I didnít respond, he CC: my primary doctor.

I am sitting here hugging my teddy bear while writing this like I am again 5 yrs old and rocking back and forth. I have the letter, but just canít make the call.

I am scared he is going to touch me and I am afraid of my reaction. He is a male and I am scared of him. I should be brave, but I am not. I have hugged my teddy bear a lot lately and going to buy a small teddy I can keep in my vehicle when I drive. I just need to feel safe.

Before CSA stuff I could go to the doctors without problem, now it is very hard. I need to do it, but I donít have the courage. I donít know what to do. I know a lot of guys have gone through this same thing and I need your courage to rub off on me because I donít have it.

How did u go about talking to your doctor that u were CSA

Did u tell him u need to feel safe inside and u need extra hand holding(not literal) going through the exam process and operation at the hospital, how did the doctors and nurses react to U before, during and after?

Did u bring a favorite thing to hold on to during this time? Teddy, stuffed animal. This really pisses me off that a grown man of 45 needs his F____ teddy bear. How humiliating and ashamed I feel.

I just canít go without my Teddy. I take him on business trips and when I am scared at my house I hold him close to me. It feels good.

I donít get pissed off often, but having to exist like this is not fare. It not my fault, he did to me, blame him.

Edited to add: PM me if u are not comfortable talking about in the public area.


I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

#50406 - 05/26/05 09:44 AM Re: Need to see Dr... And scared
PD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Southeast USA

Be up front with the doc. Most health care professionals are trained to handle our situation. I spilled my guts to my doctor after my memories came back, and he was able to see why I had some health issues...blood pressure, anxiety, "white coat" syndrome, etc. It's been all good since I talked to him.

#50407 - 05/26/05 11:07 AM Re: Need to see Dr... And scared
demonboi Offline

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
I know how you feel, i had to go to the doctors on monday and it was pretty scary at first.

when i got there i kept shaking and jumping when anyone touched me. i was a bit snappy that morning but i think my sis understood why. i brought my tiger with me and all the little kids and parents there gave me strange looks; to be honest, i didn't care. they don't know whats going on in my head and they don't need to.

when i went in and got all ready and stuff, i kpet trembling, i was still very nervous. the doctor asked me what was up, like why i needed this done. in a round about way i told him they hurt me bad down there; he got it. when he started he asked me if it was okay if he got started. i said yes and as he was pulling the sheets away i started crying and trying to cover myself up. \:\( \:\( the doc said he had to look to see what was happening and what needed to be done. i kept telling myself to calm down and that he wouldn't hurt me, it helped a little.

when it was all done i was very glad to go home and sleep for the rest of the day. emotionally, mentally and physically i was exhausted.

hope this helped


Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

#50408 - 05/26/05 01:42 PM Re: Need to see Dr... And scared
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I need to do it, but I donít have the courage.
You do have the courage just have to beleive in yourself.

i agree with PD talk to your Doctor and let him know about your history. you don.t have to give any details but it will help you get the care you need.

I went though years of pain because I would not talk about the SA. and the damage that was done to me when I was 11 yo.
I told my Doctor in 2002 and my care has been excellent since.

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#50409 - 05/26/05 04:24 PM Re: Need to see Dr... And scared
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
One thing you should tell yourself is that you as a person are okay. What is messed up and wrong is what happened to you, and how you act now is a perfectly reasonable response to terrible things that were done to you. We all have to remind ourselves that none of this was our fault. It wasn't then and it isn't now.

The feelings of guilt and shame are also typical and perfectly predictable. That is something you are carrying on from childhood. As for stuffed animals, have a look at another thread on this forum about that. A lot of us still have stuffed animals!

There isn't an age limit on needing help and feeling vulnerable. You may feel you lack courage, but if that were true you would not have been able to post all the very honest and frank things you said. It is okay to feel threatened at the prospects of speaking to a doctor, but once you get started you may not want to stop.

One thing that helps me is to tell myself that if I don't push on and insist on getting my life back, then the man who abused me wins. Back years ago when it all happened I didn't know I had a choice. I was too frightened and felt too alone. I still feel frightened and alone sometimes, but now I know I have a choice. I can finally say no. Maybe looking at it that way will help.

Good luck - you can do this,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#50410 - 05/27/05 02:54 AM Re: Need to see Dr... And scared
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Healing - I told my Doctor in Dec 2003 that I had been abused (I was in the middle of a serious breakdown at the time).

Last year I had kidney stones and had to go into hospital for further investigations - they knocked me out completely & the investigations involved a camera up the japs eye into my kidney. I was panicking that much (whilst pretending not to) that I told them about the abuse. They could not have been more supportive, they explained fully everything that would happen (and they didn't lie). I also had no after effects as I think they took even more care than normal.

Sometimes people understand more than we expect them to. If we don't help them to help us, then they will just treat us as a routine patient - they are not mind readers. I know it is difficult for us to trust, but sometimes we have to.

Best wishes ..Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#50411 - 05/27/05 04:18 AM Re: Need to see Dr... And scared
Don-NY Offline

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
I think all doctors accept by now that there is a strong connection between mind and body.

If you are showing more distress than would seem usual, they should notice and ask you about it.

Or you could just tell them up front and get it out of the way. They will "treat" and try to heal or accomodate what you show them.

The truth won't hurt, and in this case it will help.

The mind - body connection works both ways. So when you are physically healthier, you will have less mental stress and think and feel stronger.

So it's a give and take and a win / win / win situation. You defuse the mental stress by telling them upfront, you get the treatment you need, you get healthier, you feel emotionally better.

And you educate the doctors and make them better too, more understanding.

Take care of yourself.

If you're up for it, I have a very funny, embarassing, relevant, doctor story that happened when I was at a very low, shaky time in Recovery.

If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.


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