I struggle w/ the exact same thing. I actually developed asthma and allergies as a response to the fear. Each moment I got more strength and control and clarity each got better. Since I began to recognize and name my abuse I have had no allergies. I feel my fears leaving my day to day and I'm getting stronger. Still, when I go there I have all the fear, shame, guilt; but since I've gone back with more strength I am beginning to feel the anger and actually taking control of it all in my mind.
During sex my wife is being extra careful with me at the moment, but I'm to the point where I want her to be in control more because I've seperated our sex from the abuse. I am a controling person, and I am realizing that many times in the day I am back there, and now that I am letting go of some of the control I'm back there more, facing more. I can never control the experience I had, but I am realizing that I don't ever have to worry about it happening again. I try to always be aware of where I am now in reality when I go back, and try to be more aware when I am back there that I am in reality still here.