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#501120 - 08/29/16 06:48 PM Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?)
Winston Offline


Registered: 08/26/16
Posts: 18
Loc: France
Hello all of you,

I think most of us are familiar with insomnia, or hypersomnia. My wife is very concerned about the fact that I won't go to bed before 2-3am.

We had a serious discussion on this topic, she was trying to understand, which helped. I realized that she was quite right, I stay up late on the pretext of working or reading. But I actually take products that maintain me awake. Moreover I don't work, I just browse in zombi mode.

I did not told her that, but I explained that even when trying, I find excuses to delay the time to go to bed. She asked me why I couldn't go to bed and read there, I answered without thinking that I was afraid to go to bed.

I felt quite bad just after saying that. Everything seemed weird, it felt like the world has changed in something slightly worst.

I couldn't give coherent explanation to my wife. I told her that I will explain later. I was sorry for her, I think she couldn't help to take this fear personally.

This leads me to two questions :

I am not a native English speaker, and I was thinking up to now that the word "trigger" referred to situation or stories that make us sad.
It's more than that isn't it? It's a psychological distress at least? And the "go to bed" story triggered something in me.

Do you experience insomnia or fear to sleep, and does someone found a way to cope with it? I am aware of Ambien, but it never helped me to sleep.

Although he help me work on my conversation skills with threes, part of my body, stuff floating around... laugh
This is a terrible joke, I am sorry.

See you

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#501123 - 08/29/16 07:11 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: Winston]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 106
Loc: PA, USA
One of the wonderful things about a good relationship is learning how to talk to each other. You get to think out loud. Explore the subject, call it the "wrong" thing, because you don't know the right thing. It sounds like your wife's innocent questions opened up some areas you haven't looked at. As uncomfortable as that is, it is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about yourself!

Sorry, I don't know anything about sleep.

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#501127 - 08/29/16 08:52 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: Winston]
Mike58 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 6
Loc: New York
Hello,
I identify with your sleep issues. It has gotten better with therapy and healing but I still often need to remind myself I am safe. I double check the locks or leave some light on, sometimes. I think it was brave of you to tell your wife. Best wishes to you.

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#501129 - 08/29/16 09:28 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: Winston]
Winston Offline


Registered: 08/26/16
Posts: 18
Loc: France
Quote:
As uncomfortable as that is, it is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about yourself!


Thank you for this optimism, it is a total shift from my mental habits. I must admit I never considered learning thing about myself could be wonderful or even painless.
I might be a little pessimistic, I think it's due to this feeling of unavoidable doom ready to strike, destroying all life in Universe, leaving a cold, absurd and dead mechanic of rotating rocks. (I am over pessimist here, just to try).


Quote:
I identify with your sleep issues. It has gotten better with therapy and healing but I still often need to remind myself I am safe. I double check the locks or leave some light on, sometimes. I think it was brave of you to tell your wife. Best wishes to you.


Thank for sharing, may I ask you what kind of therapy worked? Did you realized that insomnia was caused by dark fear, or did you always knew?
I was not brave to tell my wife, I did not think before answering. I would probably have lied to keep her away from what's wrong in me. It might be stupid but I don't want her to see me like that.

Thank you for answering

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#501146 - Yesterday at 11:58 AM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: Winston]
ForeverFighting Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1180
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Winston, I went through that panic feeling trying to go to bed. For a while I would have to move to the couch to feel safe, which is obviously the past talking, because everything about sleeping in the bedroom with my wife is safe. I tried all kinds of things.

What has worked lately is to make what I need of a "nest" to feel like this is a cozy place. When things are more difficult, I have a sound app on my phone to play rain and wind, what my book calls "positive triggers"--sounds that remind me of good memories instead of bad. My therapist is big on using smells. If cinnamon or lavender or vanilla or whatever remind me of a good memory, she says to put it on the night stand by the bed. I’ve got my cozy spot, and honestly I’ve been using Benadryl this last week to help put me under for the first few hours. Sometimes I also try to get to sleep before my wife comes to bed, so my brain isn’t listening for people in the room. My psychiatrist has also changed my medications to lower my anxiety. I also find that sometimes I’m afraid of sleep because I know that will bring the next day’s anxiety. That’s a whole other internal conversation that I try to work out during long walks after work.

It’s unbelievable how much work we have to go to in order to do something as "easy" as sleep. But sleep is so important to have the internal strength the next day to deal with this stuff.

Sleep well, my brother. Do what you need to do to convince your insides that it’s OK and safe.
_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#501147 - Yesterday at 12:19 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: Winston]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3061
Winston

Sleep deprivation was very common for me. As the nightmares and flashbacks escalated, I did not sleep. For a year I dreaded closing my eyes, all I could see in my silence was the abuse. Triggers were around me. Once the abuse became known to others, it was used to re-traumatize me and I feared closing my eyes. I still, and thankful without effect, hear words, see actions inflicted to stir the memories of the abuse. Sad, how people around us can be so cruel and unenlightened.

Sleep is so important because as I learned exhaustion only makes the mind go into overdrive--causing fears and reliving of the trauma over and over. For me, it continued to push me into dissociation--longer episodes and periods of the unknown.

I think many survivors experience the fear of sleep because the mind seems to go to the abuse when our senses our down.

I too am hesitant on medication. I was given seroquel--boy did it make me sleep, 24 hours at a time. And when I did sleep those that complained I did not sleep not said I was taking illegal drugs to help me sleep. It was a no win situation.

I can tell you as you heal and accept the abuse, and the timing of such will vary for each of us, you will begin to enjoy your sleep. I struggled for years and had very low points. Lack of sleep can push people to their wits end.

Talk to a doctor and see what they can do to help until the time you have been able to release the pain of the memories. Once the memories no longer control, sleep should return.

Take care of yourself. I suffered sleep deprivation for years and it nearly killed me. So please do no allow yourself to fall into this trap.

Kevin

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#501149 - Yesterday at 01:15 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: ForeverFighting]
Winston Offline


Registered: 08/26/16
Posts: 18
Loc: France
Thank you very much for your answer. You clearly took the time not only to offer an answer, but the general construction suggest that you want to help.

I know it's weird to talk about the way your answer is constructed, but you moved me (like strong feelings). This never happened to me on forums.
I noticed at various time that this place had something special. I have now affection you. This is truly magic.

I will try the positive trigger, it sounds a very good idea. I do have a psychiatric following, but I never managed to talk about the real stuff. He said that I have type 1 bipolar disorder and provide me with drugs.
I don't know how I could tell him. I know that there is nothing to be afraid but I know that better safe than sorry.

If you have any advice on a way to start discussion with someone in front of you. I will take it asap.

Thank you for your answer!

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#501150 - Yesterday at 01:53 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: KMCINVA]
Winston Offline


Registered: 08/26/16
Posts: 18
Loc: France
Hi Kevin, thank you for taking time to answer.
I am aware of the importance of sleep, and that I am playing with fire. To be honest if I am really too tired and start feeling I am no longer in the real world, I do something stupid but effective : benzo and alcohol.
Very effective only if you have a strong tolerance to both, otherwise it can kill you. Just to be clear, don't do it.

I have been on seroquel and never again. I was always exhausted, I had no pain but no joy. No feeling globally. I was doing what I was asked to do. A good patient. It's not a medication, it's just something that help psy by removing the self.

I never talked with a psy of what happened. I just can not. But going back on lack of sleep, it's something I actively seek. Mainly using chemicals, at some point around 5am going to bed become natural. So I switch from speed to benzo and have a good 3h.

I am aware that I can not continue like this. It is very likely that 6 more month will kill me. Funny thing is I don't wanna die.

Life is a bitch

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#501151 - Yesterday at 02:16 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: Winston]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3061
Winston

I too would not be in the real world. My dissociation increased where I disconnected from myself and reality. I would wander at times, begone a few days and I wonder if I slept during those days or not. Sadly in the dissoacitive fugue I had no memory of the time. Doctors have said this was a coping mechanism to escape the pain of the memories.

I too was on seroquel for a short period of time. I found myself constantly dragging, heavy eyelids and wanting to put my head down and close my eyes. I came off the medication because of those reasons. I did not resort to any other sleep medication.

Please try to find a solution that will not put you in harm or jeopardy. Benzo maybe effective to knock you out for a few hours but long term not healthy. Alcohol depending of frequency and amounts can be beneficial but dependency could have long term consequences. Many people choose alcohol or drugs to cope, to escape the pain. Studies have shown a very high percentage of addictions can be trace to childhood trauma such as CSA. The trauma needs to be treated.

Only you can decide what is right for you. I know it is difficult to let out the pain and memories. Burying them appears to be taking a toll on you. Have you thought of a support group of other men who have suffered CSA. I found them helpful because their understanding is one of experience and not knowledge.

I hope you find a healthy way to cope. I can tell you my dissociation was not a healthy way to cope--it may have taken me to places I would not have gone. I will never know.

Take care of yourself and remember we are here for you.

Kevin

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#501152 - Yesterday at 04:48 PM Re: Sleep issues :going to bed (self trigger?) [Re: KMCINVA]
Winston Offline


Registered: 08/26/16
Posts: 18
Loc: France
Thank you K.
You are helping a total stranger, for no reason other than empathy. I respect that a lot.

I just feel not to deserve any of your time or empathy. I am not the worst person, but I bring people that try to help me, or people that love me, in the hell of my mind.

I can act like a normal human, but I know something is broken deep inside. Otherwise I would be less obsessed with finding an "accident" that will put an end to this with less possible pain to people I love.

I could also confess what happened to me to my wife, but she would suffer badly. Can I do this to her, only to be less miserable?

Anyway, I cannot change the past. Should I confess to the few people I love and be honest or should I shut up?

And these shit will never end? Supposing I live and have child, when they will be grown up, shall I talk to them about grandpa?

Sorry Kevin, I might sound aggressive, but it's not against you at all. I just feel sick of acting. I feel sick of normal nice people, lot of them would kill us for keeping their world in peace. Maybe not doing the dirty job, but they will buy the rope.

Well at least you are a good person. Thank you again, don't worry about me, I will be back here. You helped me tonight, I think all those dark things are less dangerous in the forum.

See you, thank you!

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