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#501116 - 08/29/16 07:35 PM Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger)
Winston Offline


Registered: 08/26/16
Posts: 48
Loc: France
Hello everybody,

I have a strange problem, which is manageable but very disturbing. I would like to know if some of you have the same experiences.

When I am in presence of a male that has some authority or power, I often have images of kissing him and having oral sex. These images do not arouse me, but I can't help them to show up. If the guy is older, it's generally worst, with more vivid images.

Paradoxically, I hate authority. I hate people that have power over other people, this is nottack themt even politic, it from the guts. I hate them hard enough to fantasize about way of killing them. If someone with authority is disrespectful, I can't help to go to his office and verbally assault him.
Needless to say, it is a very bad strategy for progressing in your work. But the fear that is clear in their eyes when they start to think I might be a dangerous crazy is priceless.

And when I live the office, image of me caressing the boss come back out of nowhere.

Did someone experienced similar stuff? How to cope with it?
Advices welcome!

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#520199 - 01/18/18 05:14 PM Re: Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger) [Re: Winston]
Searching13 Offline


Registered: 02/08/16
Posts: 20
Loc: Ontario, Canada

I will admit that I too have looked at other men and thought what do they look like without clothes on. What does his penis look like? Etc...
I used to work in a female dominated environment so at work this wasn't really an issue. But now I have changed jobs and I had these thoughts more frequent. I have also had these thoughts at the gym.
I wish I could give you some advice to,overcome this
Just know that your not alone on this

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#520208 - 01/19/18 03:01 AM Re: Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger) [Re: Winston]
SDD757 Offline


Registered: 10/08/17
Posts: 289
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Interesting that you don’t find these images arousing. have you spoke to your therapist about this?

No judgement here at all and I would never attemp to diagnose you. But it sounds linked to violence (from abuse) or something antisocial...

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#520212 - 01/19/18 03:58 AM Re: Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger) [Re: Winston]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2422
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Winston, I'm sorry the images show with some circumstances. I'm sure it stirs feelings and needed time to settle them.

Mine have been much less stressful regarding imagining them naked or other, but, the anger you mention, that resonates. I have, on multiple occasions in my life, been aggressive to someone I think slighted me, or someone else I thought was vulnerable (like someone in a wheelchair). If I witness something that has someone else be rude with aggression it enrages me and I get some rush of physical reaction that must be adrenaline and other. I usually can't handle it in a short time and I have to control myself from shaking too much in public. I've had arguments in public, none ever escalate. I just don't like to see someone be bullied and it bothers me so much, I say something. I have sometimes been verbally countered.

I will say, once, a fight almost ensued. I've been lucky, I'm not a fighter, I've never done, but my imagination, it's too much. When you describe your imagination, I would rather not, it's going to embarrass me, as I've tried to always show my loving, caring and empathetic side with MS here. I don't see how I will change that. In public, with people who might choose to be very rude in front of me, I have great difficulty holding my tongue, I want to say to them, "what's your problem, being so rude there?!" Mostly, I'm silent, but the few times I'm not...


All of those times, I'm imagining things about the bully, and it's not good.

I started this, mentioning 'naked' and 'other'. I have done that too, but I think mine has been very minor. Though, on reflection, having had time to write this, perhaps I should rethink that?

In any case, I have watched some Joe Kort videos recently and see myself there. I see that I was hijacked from how I may have developed my sense of self, sexuality, manhood, personhood, and all parts of me because of neglect, bullying, molestation and a rape. These are now being looked at by me, and I do see changes in me.

I know there will be more changes, but it's taking a lot of work and time.

Best wishes Winston,

Rick

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#520256 - 01/20/18 04:03 PM Re: Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger) [Re: SDD757]
Searching13 Offline


Registered: 02/08/16
Posts: 20
Loc: Ontario, Canada
HI
Yes I've talked to my therapist about this.
Though discussion it is linked to my brain being wired to be stimulated from my CSA, I've never become physically aroused by these thoughts.

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#520304 - 01/21/18 09:44 PM Re: Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger) [Re: Winston]
chairdesklamp Offline


Registered: 01/20/18
Posts: 147
Loc: Los Angeles County, California
There's a name for that!

Intrusive thoughts.

It's a type of compulsion, often trauma based, but sometimes happens with compulsive disorders, non-traumatic.

I have them, too, rarely sexual, usually like this:

My mother, who was at first, estranged from my life, me being unwanted by the white side of my family and raised by the Asian side, and came into my life in middle school, was my first abuser.

Aside from things mentioned in my story, which I'm paranoid that the mods aren't releasing it for the same reason that therapists have tried to send me back to my abuser and police laugh at me: because the white power subjugation fetish, at the root of ~25 years of abuse at the hands of most everyone I've known, is "just what you're supposed to do to Asians." Aside from the things mentioned, that she made me the replacement husband in all but outright kissing and sex, but there were some subtle sex things, she did often physically attack me when drunk/high (coke)

After a particular night where she repeatedly tried to shove me through a closed Bay window (those floor-to-ceiling ones) to my death, I began keeping a steak knife under my pillow.

Being who I am, I knew it would be almost IMPOSSIBLE to make myself use it, should the need arise. So I tried to mentally image it, to desensitise myself and re-route my instincts, if you will.

To this day I often imagine me running people around me through with knives. Of course, the thoughts arise subconsciously and are horrifying/unwanted. This is how intrusive thoughts are. These days, it's lessened so it only happens should a knife be actually present.

But yes, that is common with trauma (though not exclusive to) and is a known symptom with a name.


Edited by chairdesklamp (01/21/18 09:48 PM)
Edit Reason: Clarification
_________________________
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#520673 - 02/02/18 03:03 AM Re: Disturbing sexual images in workplace (trigger) [Re: Winston]
Celtaf Offline


Registered: 07/02/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By Winston
Hello everybody,

I have a strange problem, which is manageable but very disturbing. I would like to know if some of you have the same experiences.

When I am in presence of a male that has some authority or power, I often have images of kissing him and having oral sex. These images do not arouse me, but I can't help them to show up. If the guy is older, it's generally worst, with more vivid images.

Paradoxically, I hate authority. I hate people that have power over other people, this is nottack themt even politic, it from the guts. I hate them hard enough to fantasize about way of killing them. If someone with authority is disrespectful, I can't help to go to his office and verbally assault him.
Needless to say, it is a very bad strategy for progressing in your work. But the fear that is clear in their eyes when they start to think I might be a dangerous crazy is priceless.

And when I live the office, image of me caressing the boss come back out of nowhere.

Did someone experienced similar stuff? How to cope with it?
Advices welcome!



I have had this feeling with men that I am starting to feel trust towards; the urge to embrace them and kiss them, even be naked with them. But I would say that similarly it is not necessarily about desire.

What I think it is, and this is just my opinion, is the yearning to feel healthy as a man, comfortable being onself, acceptiing of one's sexuality. The only models we really have in our culture is achievement with women or being a happy homosexual, so it is hard to know how to heal this part of ourselves.

What I've done through mindfulness is to identify what my deepest feelings are, identifying a simple thing. Things that come up as I've meditated on the odd sensual feelings I get towards other men are "sad" "lonely" "scared" but they might be different for you, or this may be a totally crazy way to think for you, so please bear in mind this is just my personal experience.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you sharing this or starting this thread. I felt crazy and like I was the only guy having this odd experience.

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