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#500873 - 08/17/16 09:10 AM Sex. That's all.
dfgirl Offline


Registered: 08/08/16
Posts: 5
My boyfriend is a csa survivor. He told me it occurred around the ages of 9-10. He claims that he has put it in the past and doesn't think about it. He won't have sex with me. When we first met the sexual chemistry and actions were constant. Now a year later and a million excuses later and I've given up and it's been a month, what I fear will be the first of many months or even years. When I try to talk to him he just tells me I'm making it worse. He is not in therapy. I did get him to go to therapy with me a few times but it's always a fight. Will we ever have a satisfying sex life? What is going on?

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#500890 - 08/17/16 10:44 PM Re: Sex. That's all. [Re: dfgirl]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/09/15
Posts: 102
Loc: WA
There's a lot going on. He's had someone take something that should be between consenting adults - or at least ones who are old enough to understand - and forced it on an individual who physically, emotionally and mentally was not meant - ever - to engage in sex. This kind of engagement can ruin a person for life. As you can see. Touch, taste, smells, colors, time of day, clothing, manners of speech, places, certain objects can all be triggers. If he hasn't - and it sounds like he has not - he needs to get started. Yes, its frightening. Yes, its humiliating, yes, it hurts like hell. He'll go when he's ready. Please don't try to make him talk about it- that's triggering in itself right there. Forcing someone to speak of something so horrific can be emotionally devastating. Think of something truly awful in your life - and imagine sitting in an open-air restaurant and people are asking you about it. Or someone is telling your innermost fears and secrets in public - loudly - and you can't stop them. It takes time and understanding and a gentle hand. If he choses to go to therapy, let him go alone until he's ready to include you. What he has to say is at best one of the most frightening things he might ever do. Giving it words is so very difficult. Allow him to do so at his own pace - its how we heal because we won't heal if its forced or pushed. He'll withdraw into his cave and not talk. Give him space and again, don't force him to speak of it until he's ready.
Your topic heading tells me something about the relationship already......

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#500902 - 08/18/16 11:27 AM Re: Sex. That's all. [Re: dfgirl]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2354
There is little I can add to what WG said - he communicated so much so well and so concisely. I am only restating what I think he has already shared...

Fact. Putting it "in the past" paradoxically does the opposite - it puts it in the future. It is the can we kick down the road. We kick it far enough that it is no longer on our horizon and think it is behind us. But it is always there waiting. It appears in the triggers of every day - the smell of a canvas tent, the top 40 tune you haven't heard in years, the phrase someone utters that sounds just like "him" again, the sociopath you work with who pretends to be a friend only to maneuver you to his advantage in such a familiar, albeit now nonsexual, pattern. He claims he has put it in the past and doesn't think about it. Yeah. Me, too - for so many years - and I suspect just about every survivor here.

Fact. You can't fix it. The greatest sages in fact or fiction - Rabbi Hillel, Sitting Bull, Yoda, Gandalf and Dumbledore - couldn't do it. I am not trying to be dramatic here - just helping you to avoid the frustration of trying to fix something that is neither within your power nor your responsibility to fix. If he makes the decision to finally face this at all, it's going to well up from within, not from outside. It is a force of conviction and emotion that comes directly and unfiltered from the heart, bypassing any rational arguments of the intellect that you or even he may have.

Will we ever have a satisfying sex life? What is going on? Those are questions you cannot answer as long as they remain questions he cannot ask. Perhaps it is worth remembering that he doesn't need someone to push him as much as knowing that someone is there to catch him. Knowing you have his back - if and when he is ready - that silent support can be the best thing I think you can provide.
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#500903 - 08/18/16 12:26 PM Re: Sex. That's all. [Re: dfgirl]
TinCAn Offline


Registered: 06/20/16
Posts: 7
Loc: Maryland
Dfgirl…first off I would like to say Thank you. Thank you for sticking by your boyfriend and be patient. I am a male survivor and speaking from personal experience, this can be one of the hardest things to do. I have been married for 27 years now. I told my wife in college before we were married and she stayed with me. We had our problems as well. I too, said I was over it the. Got married and then wham it hit. Went to therapy, thought all was good and we did some together. Needless to say, got to a point then and I said, just move on. Well, I’m back at 25 years later. It is something that stays with us, and timing and the right support is key. Your support I’m sure means more to him than you know. A book my wife found helpful was “When a Man You Love Was Abused” by Cecil Murphey.

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#500959 - 08/22/16 10:55 AM Re: Sex. That's all. [Re: dfgirl]
dfgirl Offline


Registered: 08/08/16
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your replies. I am here for him. I have let him know that I love him and I won't leave him. The first year of our relationship it feels to me like (even though he desperately loves and needs me), he also constantly tests me and pushes me to see if I will leave. I do need to read that book. Should I let him know I'm reading it? Is that pressure or triggering that he doesn't need? Trying to balance having sensitivity to what he's been through to my desire to connect with him is an ongoing seesaw in my heart and mind and I'm grateful for the stories here in these forums.

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#500960 - 08/22/16 11:19 AM Re: Sex. That's all. [Re: dfgirl]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/09/15
Posts: 102
Loc: WA
Always let him know what you are doing. Secrets are something we've dealt with all of our lives. The one person we feel we must trust - our significant other - needs to be the very one we can trust. So, yes, I would purchase the book and let him know your intentions. I don't feel it would be pressuring or triggering to him if you do so. It shows you are making an effort to learn about it.
The feeling like you're constantly being tested and pushed away is rather our 'norm'. Some of it comes from feeling as if we are unworthy of any sort of good relationships since the only ones we've ever known were always ones that used us for what we could do for them, never mutual. The other part is that relationships are scary and the 'great unknown' to us - we have rarely had a normal one - whatever that looks like - and when one comes along we don't know how to handle it.
I've been married 35 years with 3 great adult children. I'd like to say its all been smooth sailing, but the reality is there are some pretty rough patches - more like rough months than 'patches' and it takes a huge effort on both of our parts to move on. Its work - work she didn't sign up for when she came on this ride. She said "I do" and almost that same year she wanted to say "I don't". I never told her what had been done to me - not until 2 years ago. That's when it came to a huge peak - and something needed to be done or said. I've been in therapy all this time and it is getting better but I have years of abuse to wade through. And she has to wade through it too - or leave me - which is something we have said is not an option for either one of us. So, yes, its a long haul, but if you're willing to stay with him and all that comes with it, you'll both be richer people for it. It takes time - sometimes more than you can give. That's when you need to get what you are needing - a girlfriend to talk with (with his permission always !), possibly your own therapist (remember if he goes to therapy let him go alone for a while since he will be speaking of all of this for the first time and its incredibly upsetting, but safe with a good therapist), and you will need to go for walks, write, play music, do some self-care for just you - get your hair done or paint your nails (I don't have sisters but I do have a wife and those things seem like fun to her). I applaud you for staying. He is needing that - consistency in a relationship. So do you.

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