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#499066 - 06/06/16 05:27 PM My Letter to the perp
Arcotraz Offline


Registered: 11/02/15
Posts: 2
Loc: Michigan
***Possible Trigger Warning***

Dear Devil,

I really hope you read this letter. I'm writing you this letter because I think it may make me feel better. You are the one and ruined my fucking life and for that I fucking hate you. My whole life, until just about a year ago, I thought that it was all my fault, I thought that you really didn't do anything wrong because you never forced anything onto me. You were so nice and kind, not just to me but to the whole world around me, my parents, my family, my friends...literally any person that I had any any type of connection with. This made my life a miserable hell because now, whoever I would have told if I decided to talk then,...they wouldn't have listed to me or even believe me. or at least that was my thought back then.

You groomed me to the point where I came back to you 12 years later and still asked for advise, as if you were a person that actually had something intelligent to say. You called yourself a mentor...a person who is supposed to be an idle for the younger generation and to look after...and you still play that role today because there are people that STILL come visit you after all the years they have been friends with you....Do you think they would still be friends with you and visit you if they actually knew what happened? Do you think the people will still have the same respect for you? You know what...im not sure if i know the answer to that question because you manipulated me soooooo bad that you had probably warped many other little boys mind into imperfection. After it happened, I knew you did something bad, but I still didn't know it was that bad so I just shrugged it off like nothing happened. You fucked with my head so fucking much that now I don't even know what do do with all my feelings. I repressed all the feelings growing up, everything that came my way, i just pushed up and didn't think through anything because I didn't know how to or want to because I was scared of my true feelings. Now that I have actually been talking about the abuse you did to me, im going fucking crazy every day. I tell myself, im okay, but im not. I cant live like this, I dont know what do with my life. my thoughts are all over the place and you are making me go fucking crazy...you are in my work, my relationship, my friendships everywhere I fucking go, you are there. in my fucking dreams....you cant do this to me anymore.

I have repressed my feelings as a little boy for too long. I acted like nothing ever happened and that it wasent that big of a deal. You were nice so it was okay. it was okay because you had so many relationships with so many other people and that it wasent that big of a deal for me to have these feelings. I drank, and smoked myself stupid. You introduced me to weed. I got high at your house for the first time and it all started there. Do you think getting little 12 year old boys would do them any good in life. Do you think letting little 10 year old boys watch porn is going to make them a better person? Maybe giving them pop, shrimp, imitation crab legs, taking them to downtown royal oak and feeding them sugary lattes, giving them a job and paying them 5 dollars an hour would make them a better person, letting them drive your manual pick up truck would all make them be a better person. Is this the secret formula in life? Is this how a mentor should mentor people? Maybe giving them their own toothbrush and making them bagel egg and cheese sandwiches will help make them a better person.

Why is it that you never came to my hockey games? were you afraid that you didn't want my parents to catch onto you? You must have it all figured out...you know exactly how to manipulate people exactly the way you want them. Were you abused as a child? You must have been? I wonder? Because how in the fuck would someone be so sick to do something so fucking terrible to an innocent little child? Do you actually think that because I gave you permission that it was okay? You are a sick fuck and hope you fucking burn in hell for what you have done. I just hope you have not done it to anyone else. or are you still doing this? For all I fucking know you must be because you are the definition of a pedophile. You must have done your fair share of research on grooming? You did a pretty good job on that....Im not exactly sure how you haven't been caught yet?

You asked to take a picture of me, you asked to keep this a secret, you asked to wash my back in the shower....fuck you. You are ruining my work life right now. I dont know what do fucking do with my self. I went to college and wanted to move out of my parents as soon as I turned 18 because i wanted to get high and drunk. My parents didn't let me do this, so I figured I can take all the drugs and alcohol on my own...so i moved out. I wanted to get out of my house really bad. I think I hated my parents for letting you do that to me....so i got out and ruined my body. Pills, weed, alcohol, for several years. For couple of reasons, i always knew If I continued down that path, I knew it would be bad. I saw my brothers in trouble and I've heard really bad stories that you can die if you overdose and get hooked on bad drugs....so i always stopped myself from going completely overboard...but the thing was is I was already over board with all the repressed memories and feelings.

Now its like title wave of feelings washing over me. I cant sleep, I cant think, I cant focus....all i can think a bout it what fucking happened to me. Sure lets go to college, that would be a great idea...what do you want to do? what do you want to be? Do you like males, or females? What kind of person do i look for? Do I have standards? Morals? Should I just follow in someone else footsteps because you path didn't work out? Why dont I just follow my own dreams?....oh yeah, because you fucking stole every I had going for myself. I was a really good hockey player, and then I started to get high and hang out with people that weren't good for me. I wanted to hide away from myself. I hated being alone when I was a teenager, I always had to be with someone or something. I was afraid of my true feelings because I know if I were to open the door and access them, then it wouldn't be a good site. I wonder how different my life would have been if it were not for you? or even if I had told someone when it first happened?

Now Im stuck here, not knowing where to to go? You have made me confused my whole life and this shit needs to stop but Im not exactly sure how this will work. fuck you.

Scott
_________________________
Arcotraz

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#499165 - 06/10/16 03:02 PM Re: My Letter to the perp [Re: Arcotraz]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1280
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
This is real good Scott.
Self-trusting.
Thanks. self-comapassion.
You are a good dude!
take care,
James

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#499272 - 06/14/16 07:49 PM Re: My Letter to the perp [Re: Arcotraz]
winter-rain Offline


Registered: 04/12/15
Posts: 26
dude...Scott
beautiful writing, I can definitely relate, I am left with similar questions and feelings about myself, my future , my past.
All i can say is that reading this made me feel like I am not alone in my anger, my life has been a medley of drugs, bitterness, the need to runaway so I could do the things I shouldn't have done. I took the word excessive and made it my monachre. I actually confronted one of my perps, and he said nothing, These are SICK people, we are not sick, we are hurt. I dont know what else to say, I am sorry that stuff happened to you, and I thnak you for wrting this letter, it voices alot of the same stuff i go through, perpetual self doubt, self harm throguh drugs and alcohol, questions of sanity and sexuality. Thanks
WR

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#499837 - 07/05/16 07:56 PM Re: My Letter to the perp [Re: Arcotraz]
Arcotraz Offline


Registered: 11/02/15
Posts: 2
Loc: Michigan
Thank you for the reply, it really helps to see others reading what I am going through. It's not easy but I try hard every single day. Winter-rain and sterling, I appreciate it.
_________________________
Arcotraz

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#500149 - 07/19/16 04:28 PM Re: My Letter to the perp [Re: Arcotraz]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 49
Loc: United States
Hey Scott,
Great job on the letter, my friend! I actually wrote one myself to my assailant(s)
. I told him to go to hell too smile

Way to go. Please know that you are now as clean the new fallen snow, my brother. You have said your peace and now are CLEAN.

It is true.....

Live well - Michael

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