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#49789 - 07/09/06 11:37 AM just starting to feel again
hesaid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 1
I had an extremely abusive relationship with a girl about 10 years ago involving being forced into sexual acts repeatedly and even drugged once and taken advantage of. I didnít really realize what happened at the time, and didnít really think about it. (Guys want it all the time, right?) Two years after that relationship ended, I became involved with another girl, who is now my fiancťe, and I told what I thought happened in my previous relationship. She helped me realize that men can be sexually abused just as women can, and I went completely numb. In my mind, I decided that all females were bad and ended up unintentionally mentally categorizing her as a guy because I had major issues with females in general. Through some act of god, or saintly patience and understanding on her part, she stayed with me through the entire time. Now I am starting to actually let myself have emotions again, but I seem to be attempting to sabotage any chance of being happy in the relationship. She has a major problem (understandably) with me lying to her, which I have been doing a lot of lately. It causes her to not be able to trust me, even though she understands that I am not purposely doing it to hurt her. At the time I donít even realize what I am doing, and it is even done over the most mundane and insignificant of things. She wants to keep helping and supporting me, but she cannot if I canít stop this. Why am I doing this? How do I break this habit and learn to feel comfortable being truthful in my relationship?

#49791 - 07/09/06 05:42 PM Re: just starting to feel again
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Suggestion from a guy that doesn't know "women" very well, but I think I know people well.

How about breaking the ice with her one day and tell her outright "I have a lot of baggage, and it's making me do a lot of weird and unecessary things, but you know it's not because I want to hurt you or cheat on you or anything selfish like that".

Be outright with her. Japanzen said it best about being honest with people he respects, she is sure to recognize that same respect coming from you with your honesty.

If you have a talk with her about this, let us know how it goes ok?

Oh, and in reference to your abuse, (yes abuse), I've seen it in my life with male victims myself. I'm not talking just sexual abuse either. What I have noticed in common with male victims in abusive relationships is that the man is "desperate" or willing to put up with the abuse rather than face the fear of being alone. Even though there is abuse in the relationship, he puts up with it because he doesn't want to give up the inimacy, the sex, etc. Women can do the same thing I guess too. I hope this gives you a more objective look at your situation.


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