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#4970 - 08/30/01 01:03 AM What are the sexual side effects of SA?

I was molested by my father as a young teenager, with acts ranging from playfully touching my anus and penis to him trying to masturbate and sodomize me. He was also very physically and emotionally abusive to me. I have always suffered from insecurity and low self esteem from all the things he did. Its just the molestation created a sexual identity crisis that has lasted 30 years.

First - letsget this out: I enjoy sex with women. Always have. Hopefully always will. I am attracted to them.

However, I find that I compulsively engage in behavior that appears linked to my SA. The behavior is highly compulsive. I never put myself in one of these situations on a pre-meditated basis.

I constantly think about sex. I am obsessed with pornography. I used to think it was that I was aroused by watching a women being made love to. However, I realized I was most interested in looking at men's penises, watching oral sex and thinking about me giving it. I realized that I enjoyed watching men come to orgasm.

I began to watch tons of male-male pornography. Started hanging out in peep shows. Watch others masturbate. Let others watch me. I have let someone sodomize me. I have fondled men, stroking them to orgasm. I have given oral sex to other men. However, I never seem to put myself on the receiving end of the pleasure. When I am unable to get away, I usually masturbate to the thought of giving some guy head.

And the disturbing part is, usually I find my self doing it without realizing that I got myself into the position. It is like the thought sweeps over me and forces me to act against my judgement.

I am not close to men emotionally. Actually, I have a hard time getting close to anyone. I do not want a permanent boyfriend. I want strangers to put their penises in me. My hands, my mouth, my anus.

I don't want to do this. It is like there is some question that will be answered if I keep doing it. All the while, I am still having normal sexual relations with a woman.

My sexual dreams always involve men - never women. And they are always strangers. I frequently find myself in gay bars, particularly when I am in a different town.

When I am involved in some homosexual activity, my thoughts range from "look what you did to me you bastard" to " this is what I was supposed to be doing all along". I feel some satisfaction at having another homosexual experience.

I can not make myself stop. If I have a few drinks and am out of town, it always happens. I attributed this to having my resistance down (when my father tried to sodomize me, I was asleep and awoke to him rubbing his penis up against my anus - don't know if that is related).

I have nothing against homosexuals. I have friends that are openly homosexual but I have never approached them or shared any of tthis with them. And I have no interest in having sex with them. I know them. It has almost always been with a complete stranger.

I would love to know why I do this. Clearly, a lot of survivors of male sex abuse are confused about their identity. I can not clearly identify mine.

Should I attempt mutually gratifying sex with another man (instead of only wanting to be the gratifier) to see if that is what I want? I've never attempted that. I am open to any suggestions. Virtually nothing is unreasonable for me to try. I have to find out the answer to a question I don't understand.

The biggest questions I do understand are

1) Am I gay/bi-sexual? Apparently a common question here.
2) Do I do this to humiliate myself?
3) Am I doing this out of anger at my father? Do I somehow think I can show him how he screwed me up?
5) Do I need to feel approval from a man, even if it is just sexual?
4) Is there something I will experience with the right person (either positive or negative) that will answer whatever it is I seem to be looking for?

I would love to hear others' experiences. I have read about people becoming sex addicts and doing anything and everything. I have a guy in my group therapy that has undergone similar behavior. It made me aware that I wasn't alone in deviant behavior. He - like me - is married and has children. He just has this other life he has a hard time controlling. And he links it to being molested when he was 8.

Thanks and I look forward to your stories./

#4971 - 08/31/01 11:30 AM Re: What are the sexual side effects of SA?

Your post helped me alot because I see myself in someof what you say. One of my side affects was sleeping around with different women even though I;m married. I was obssessed with sex too and thought about it all the time but I didn;t realize that it wasn;t normal at the time. Now I think of some of things I said and did and see that I was obssessed, probably a sex addict. Some of the guys here are into doing different things, I didn;t want to do different things sexually, I just wanted to have sex with different women. Some of it was because of confusion between love and sex but I figured out that I didn;t have real feelings for thm. I;m trying to make better decisions now. There was alot of reasons why I slept around, all were linked to the abuse.

#4972 - 09/02/01 05:29 AM Re: What are the sexual side effects of SA?
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Still_fighting – thanks for your post – that's why they call it sexual identity confusion – it's very confusing – I have lived with it all my life. What I have found, however, is that my sexual compulsion toward men relates to my abuse experience in two ways: 1) I am seeking to reenact my abuse experience, and 2) I want to be in CONTROL of the experience. 3) My sexual compulsion is my first choice of acting out because I am always thinking about sex, hyper sexual vigilance. 4) Intimacy is too frightening.
Here are my thoughts about it.
About Reenactment: I have unspecified anxiety which when it reaches its peak, I seek sexual acting out to relieve the anxiety – it works because I feel safer when I can experience fear or danger that I know. I am seeking the specified fear because its familiar – it's the unspecified fear/anxiety, the unknown, that is worse than the fear that I know – so I reenact some aspect of the abuse situation to get rid of the unknown fear.
About Control: I have found that the sex I have with or fantasy about males (and females) is shaped by my need to be in control of the sexual experience – during the abuse experience I was the one being controlled by the Perp, so I feel vulnerable if I am allowing myself to be pleasured by another.
About Hyper Sexual vigilance: One result of abuse for me is that I continually watch for the sexual overtones of my environment – I watch bodies, male and female, look for hints of their sexuality, and fantasy about it if I am bored or anxious. The result is that I am rarely away from my abuse experience – it's always with me and sexual thoughts are my first choice when I am anxious.
About Intimacy: Intimacy is not an option. I have no trust of anyone and would never allow myself to be so vulnerable. The result is that I want to keep people at arms length never revealing my inner self. Not a good basis for finding a loving mate.

Comments about your questions:

1) Am I gay/bi-sexual? Apparently a common question here.
RESPONSE: First, I don't think these words fit when applied with our normal concept of them. I am not normal. I'm different because of my abuse experience. So I don't fit into a one or the other or a both definition. I am a SIC, sexually identity confused. (Or a SICK, Sexually Identity Confused KID) I never got to grow up sexually and develop a secure sexual identity. So, what does a SICK do? Maximize relationships which give me pleasure-intimacy-bonding-security and minimize behavior which are driven by compulsiveness-anxiety-reenactment- I found it helpful to look at what were my fantasies when I was alone and masturbating (and not particularly anxious) – Then, even though they included abuse issues – I would explore healthier aspects of my fantasies.
2) Do I do this to humiliate myself?
RESPONSE: Maybe…. I feel it more as recreation – to humiliate (which I'm sure was an important part of your abuse experience) feeds into your self esteem or lack thereof – whereas to see it as recreation allows you to see it as a result of what your perp did to you at no fault of own…HE DID THIS…You do stuff as a result of it…and like any illness…you can change its effect by recognizing what it is and where it came from… In other words, don't blame the victim….EVER.
3) Am I doing this out of anger at my father? Do I somehow think I can show him how he screwed me up?
RESPONSE: mmmaybe, sure you will have anger, being the f**k up is one of our choices…I do that sometimes…
5) Do I need to feel approval from a man, even if it is just sexual?
RESPONSE: Don't know, but I think the what we all need is safe nurturing relationships, male and female…A general rule is that adult male to male relationships are based on how we related to our fathers, (male to female relate to our moms)…
4) Is there something I will experience with the right person (either positive or negative) that will answer whatever it is I seem to be looking for?
RESPONSE: I think the only experience that will give you an answer is with your child self who, for me, was and is caged up in a cement incased cocoon for safety and with whom I have been trying to build enough trust to feel safe enough to come out.

I hope something here is helpful. It was helpful for me to say it. Thad

"..this place isn't a discussion's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

#4973 - 09/05/01 01:02 PM Re: What are the sexual side effects of SA?
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
it sounds like you are trying to change what happened to you......i've done just the opposite.....i've never had sex with anybody but the abuser......the effects of sexual abuse have no set criteria.....i'm a kleptomaniac because my therapist tells me i want to be punished for my sin of the abuse......the great internal hatred i have for myself.....the hatred that prompts me to attempt suicide every couple of months......hopefully, one of these times, i'll get it not hate yourself for what you are might want to see a therapist to begin dealing with and maybe controlling the will be very hard but you might find the answer you are apparently searching for.......michael


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