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#49508 - 07/02/03 01:24 AM SA and Wandering Eyes
Marc Offline

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
As many of you know, my bf is returning from a year of school in England.

Knowing that he is coming home I am wanting to figure certain things out before he gets here so that I can start out as good a partner as possible.

In my previous relationships I tended to have 'wandering eyes'. I don't know if this is normal, part of the abuse or part of something else. In no case did I act upon it nor was it ever an issue except with one partner (And he was insecure as hell anyway!).

I don't want to make my sweetie feel like he is not everythhing in the world to me but... is this a natural thing for most guys? Or most guys who've been SA'd? I've always said, "Just because I am on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu!", but again, if this is something that I need to work on, then I need to try. I don't know where to start though.

Is this a 'boys will be boys' thing? I always hear that men are more 'visually' stimulated than women but to what extent is this acceptable vs. unacceptable?

I've never been good with the jealousy thing either (It's 'a feeling'.). I'm not the jealous type. Should I be? Is it ever understandable or even wanted?

Would appreciate ANY and ALL comments on this. Straight or Gay / Male or Female / Survivor or not.

Thanks all!


#49509 - 07/02/03 01:40 AM Re: SA and Wandering Eyes
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

My eyes wander all the time. So do my wife's. It's perfectly natural.

IMHO, It's only a problem for a relationship when your search for intimacy begins to wander.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#49510 - 07/02/03 03:03 AM Re: SA and Wandering Eyes
stpbb Offline

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
I agree about the intimacy. I think that the wandering eyes are only a problem if they interfere with the two of you together. When I feel really comfortable & close to my bf I can be so secure that we could be surrounded by gorgeous scantily clad people & I wouldn't feel the slightest bit threatened by his appreciation of their beauty. In fact we've watched movies together & talked about how beautiful or sexy the characters were & what we found attractive or unattractive about them. When I feel like I don't have his attention or he is really distant from me emotionally, the most unattractive, unkempt person can seem like a threat -- even if he really isn't looking. As far as I'm concerned looking is nothing more than an appreciation for the world around you & a way to feel alive. Have you talked about it with your partner? He can tell you better than anyone else what feels ok or not for him.

Hope you'll have a great reunion.


#49511 - 07/02/03 03:11 PM Re: SA and Wandering Eyes
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Marc: All I can add to this is that I have been married for 36years and continue to admire people from a distance. Hey if I did not I would be dead. A pretty woman is a turn on for me but you know what I still see the young woman I fell in love with 36 years ago.

There are Men I admire too. They are confident and secure in their masculinity. And that is what I want to be.

Marc you are perfectly normal in this respect. Your partner just has to know that it is simply looking and that is it. A beautiful car will have the same effect.




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