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#492456 - 12/13/15 05:59 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 418
I understand, I feel like I often just come in here to dump stuff and ask for help without giving anything good back. But I think we all have enough stuff to feel bad/guilty/ashamed about. I hope you can cut yourself some slack.

Originally Posted By: Logan
I know that when I was being abused in that Pedo Ring that I was in, that there was so very little I was able to help or comfort those other boys around me no matter how much I wanted to do so, and so maybe this is why I feel like I haven't done enough and/or can never do enough even though I just wanted to ease the suffering and pain.

This is something I feel very bad about too, although it was mostly just me and one other kid. It's something that really bothers me. But do you know what? He told me that he feels bad and guilty that he didn't do anything to help me. I don't in any way feel like he should have though. I have no bad feelings towards him for not trying to make a horrible situation a bit better. That wasn't his job, he was just a kid. You were too, you can't expect yourself to have behaved like an adult might have.

#492465 - 12/13/15 10:21 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
First, please allow me to so thank you to all of you: Ctf, Paul, Luke, and txb.

I am still amazed at the level of compassion that exists here! Whether or not I am worthy of that compassion or allow myself to be is another matter altogether.
But, I am am still extremely grateful, regardless!!!!!

I would also like to express that I did not realize that so many of us here have been in/ where apart of a pedo ring of some sort! This is not to diminish at all that if you were not, your experience of abuse was any less significant at ALL!!!! It is just that I hadn't realized it or recognized it before.
I am so sorry that it happened to so many of us.

Maybe those of you who were and of course those who were not, maybe you guys could be some help to me...

There were a few different things that brought me back here, but this one thing is the main one I believe.

It has has to do with multiple abusers forcing me to look at them.
I am going to put it in a new post but I just wanted to give you guys a head's up, since you guys have been compassionate towards me.

"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

#492467 - 12/13/15 10:30 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Carries The Fire Offline

Registered: 11/04/15
Posts: 170
Loc: Alba
"I am still amazed at the level of compassion that exists here! Whether or not I am worthy of that compassion or allow myself to be is another matter altogether. But, I am am still extremely grateful, regardless!!!!!"

Logan you are worthy . . . .we all are. I am kind of different, I come on here when I am feeling good and strong, and absent, when things are not going to well . . .

Logan, I wish I could look at my abusers, right dead in the eye these days, because they would not hold their gaze with me for long. . . . .

My experiences are different from many, as when I manage to put it in writing, although I must confess that I was not involved thankfully in an adult pedo ring, I was spared that, but. . . . . .

Just wanted to be honest with you here, as for getting you too look at them, that was a sick power game. Problem I have now though it, when I think people are looking/staring at me, I stare at them, until they back off. . . . . but that also can have consequences in my culture.

I am sure we can relate to each other on many levels too . . . see you in the chatroom sometime when I have the energy, or on here of course.

Again, welcome back!! You feel you need propped up again, you have come to the right place, you are stronger than you know.


#492470 - 12/13/15 12:43 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 3322
So before I share anything with you guys, i just wanted you to know how sorry I am and have felt about asking for your help even though I have not been around to help you guys out.
so i thought I would put this message out first and make sure nobody felt hurt by me asking for your help in these confusing times.

Hi, Logan -

I don't think you are being fair to yourself. You are not responsible for anything more than simply sharing. I guess if I expected "help" from anyone, I'd see a therapist. From Male Survivor, however, I only expect to be able to sit with my friends and share. The only help I can possibly offer anyone is from the resonance of what I share. If that means something to someone, then that's great. If it doesn't, that's fine. No one here has the answers. I certainly don't. And I suspect no one here is expected to.

We all come and go. Life happens between posts. Whether that interval is a day, a week, a month, a year - it is just understood. There is nothing - nothing - to be sorry or ashamed about. And my support for you is every bit as strong as it has always been.

#492477 - 12/13/15 03:37 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
manipulated Offline

Registered: 09/25/14
Posts: 841
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country

We all come and share as we are strong enough. For me somedays I read and lurk; Somedays I need help, support or to vent and here is a safe, supportive place. And rarely I am in a good space and strong enough to reach out and help others. For me it is all good and all of it helps. SLOWLY slowly so damn slowly it is getting better.

I have learned, and occasionally remember or get reminded the guild, shame, blame and responsibility for what happened to me and the other scouts was by manipulation; For others here it was threats; for others it was horrendous violence.

But no matter what our individual story, no matter the depth of the depravity, many here helped me finally accept and when I need now periodically remind me I was a child; I was a victim; I have survived and here I am slowly finding the path to thrive.

You are not dumping or taking without sharing. You are still carrying guilt, shame and responsibility that is NOT yours on your back. When you are in a better place you start unpacking that which was never yours to carry. Together we all can get better. When we can't see a way forward come here; share; someone has gone before and found a glimmer of light and they will lead us forward. Welcome back.
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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