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#492414 - 12/12/15 08:50 AM I guess I really need to begin some where...
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
1st of all aI have not been here in a very long while and I feel very sorry and ashamed for that.

for this last week i have ben coming here with something that I believe are important to say, but have just stared blankly at the screen, feeling as if I would not be welcomed back here because of how long it has been since I was last here.

2nd I sorta need some help as i have been having some Nightmares and bad flash backs and although I tried to Google them, I only found nothing concrete and thinks that where fairly diluted and not helpful at all.

So before I share anything with you guys, i just wanted you to know how sorry I am and have felt about asking for your help even though I have not been around to help you guys out.
so i thought I would put this message out first and make sure nobody felt hurt by me asking for your help in these confusing times.

I feel like I really do need your help
Sincerely,
a very sorry,
Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#492415 - 12/12/15 09:13 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4523
Loc: NE Ohio
Logan -

IMHO, no apology is needed. guys take a break for many different reasons and no explanation is required. I, for one, welcome you back with open arms: (((((((Logan)))))))

it shows sensitivity on your part to say you are sorry. there is a lot of acceptance and flexibility here amongst the members and I would bet that no one will blame you for being AWOL!

So - I hope you can find the words to explain whatever it is you want to say. chances are among our very exclusive membership you will find someone who has had similar issues and can offer help, encouragement and support.

welcome back!
Lee
_________________________
"The wound is the place where the light enters you."
- Rumi

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#492416 - 12/12/15 09:15 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1336
Loc: Southern US
Hi Logan - Welcome back,

I can't speak for others, but I don't think you have any reason to apologize or be sorry. Everyone heals in their own way and in their own time. Reading the various forum posts, and only reading, is one way to start or continue the healing process on the long journey of healing.
One of my favorite quotes is by John Milton, who wrote "They also serve who only stand and wait." Everyone has something to offer, no matter how small or insignificant we may think it is. Just showing up is sometime more than enough.
Take care.

CJ
_________________________
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

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#492419 - 12/12/15 10:17 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1139
Loc: Ohio
Hi Logan.

I echo CJ and Lee. You don't owe anyone any apologies. It's good to have you back. Please know that we are here to help you and share your pain.

You do not have to go through any of this alone. We are here for you.

Welcome back. Mike
_________________________
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

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#492420 - 12/12/15 10:23 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
Thank You Both SO MUCH, Lee and CJ.

I would like to believe everything that you guys have said about me coming back, but i know that it is for more selfish reasons and for that I Am Truly sorry, however perhaps what I bring up will be of some help to someone else who may also be struggling with something similar to my situation. I just hope that I can be of some service to someone and not be just a drain on those here around me.

Possible triggers:.....

I know that when I was being abused in that Pedo Ring that I was in, that there was so very little I was able to help or comfort those other boys around me no matter how much I wanted to do so, and so maybe this is why I feel like I haven't done enough and/or can never do enough even though I just wanted to ease the suffering and pain.


Sorry I didn't mean to get off of the topic.

Again thank You both so, so much!!!!!!!!!!!! It means so much to me!!!
I really want to help in any and every way that I can because I know that I need help!!!!!
Sincerely, you friend,
Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#492422 - 12/12/15 10:26 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
Oh and you as well, Mike...


It is very nice to hear from you again
-Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#492427 - 12/12/15 12:15 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1139
Loc: Ohio
:-)

(((Logan)))
_________________________
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

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#492431 - 12/12/15 04:33 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Carries The Fire Offline


Registered: 11/04/15
Posts: 170
Loc: Alba
Alright Logan,

Good to meet you. I am still a newbie on here, working things through.

Like everyone has already stated, you have no need to apologise or be sorry about taking time out. I would more think of it as having a cup full of what we need, we drink from it, only take so much, and return to drink more when we need it sort of thing . . . except, this cup you drink from, will never go empty!!

"I know that when I was being abused in that Pedo Ring that I was in, that there was so very little I was able to help or comfort those other boys around me no matter how much I wanted to do so, and so maybe this is why I feel like I haven't done enough and/or can never do enough even though I just wanted to ease the suffering and pain"

There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, been through that myself on here, so many people in so many situations, you form a bond with them, and feel so helpless, and feel you wish you could do more. Sometimes just talking to people, sharing things, and writing on here helps than more than we can imagine.

As for the other kids that were also in your situation, hindsight can be problematic, from my experience, anyone who tried to help me, or befriend me got burned basically. So back the, what you were going through, you had to look after number one to survive, no shame in that as a helpless child, and also trying to help other children back then, could have resulted in making the situation worse for them. I know this will not alleviate your guilt, I carry some similar, but again I was a child in horrendous circumstances as were you. The abusers should be carrying the guilt, not us!

Just very recently, I had decided to ditch the hindsight approach, and I put myself back in the situation, through my eyes back then, which is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but that way, I gain understanding, and no longer berate myself.

I know to you I am a stranger, but Welcome Back!! Your not being selfish, far from it, you feel you need to be here again, so you return, one thing I learned quickly in here, the door is always open!

Ctf

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#492439 - 12/12/15 05:52 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 618
Logan we all begin somewhere. It took me time to get anywhere. The group here has helped me so much. I do not post much but read their words all the time. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. We all deal with the issue differently and we all will heal differently.

Paul

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#492453 - 12/13/15 05:15 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2931
Loc: Newark, England
Hi Logan again.

One thing I was told when I did a return after one of my own absenses and expressed very similar appologies and reservations is that this site is one of the places you can put your own healing first and people will be quite happy with that sinse that's what so many others here are having to do too.

One thing i'm slowly coming to realize myself is that "selfishness!" ie, putting my own needs and desires before those of others, is not the same as "Self awareness" ie, realizing what I need to become a better person myself and indeed be more in a position to think of others.

So, bottom line, welcome back. The appology is appreciated in the spirit in which it's meant, although entirely unnecessary, indeed I! am sorry to hear about your nightmares etc and hope you can find some relief on site.

Luke.

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#492456 - 12/13/15 05:59 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 418
I understand, I feel like I often just come in here to dump stuff and ask for help without giving anything good back. But I think we all have enough stuff to feel bad/guilty/ashamed about. I hope you can cut yourself some slack.

Originally Posted By: Logan
I know that when I was being abused in that Pedo Ring that I was in, that there was so very little I was able to help or comfort those other boys around me no matter how much I wanted to do so, and so maybe this is why I feel like I haven't done enough and/or can never do enough even though I just wanted to ease the suffering and pain.

This is something I feel very bad about too, although it was mostly just me and one other kid. It's something that really bothers me. But do you know what? He told me that he feels bad and guilty that he didn't do anything to help me. I don't in any way feel like he should have though. I have no bad feelings towards him for not trying to make a horrible situation a bit better. That wasn't his job, he was just a kid. You were too, you can't expect yourself to have behaved like an adult might have.

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#492465 - 12/13/15 10:21 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
First, please allow me to so thank you to all of you: Ctf, Paul, Luke, and txb.

I am still amazed at the level of compassion that exists here! Whether or not I am worthy of that compassion or allow myself to be is another matter altogether.
But, I am am still extremely grateful, regardless!!!!!


I would also like to express that I did not realize that so many of us here have been in/ where apart of a pedo ring of some sort! This is not to diminish at all that if you were not, your experience of abuse was any less significant at ALL!!!! It is just that I hadn't realized it or recognized it before.
I am so sorry that it happened to so many of us.

Maybe those of you who were and of course those who were not, maybe you guys could be some help to me...

There were a few different things that brought me back here, but this one thing is the main one I believe.

It has has to do with multiple abusers forcing me to look at them.
I am going to put it in a new post but I just wanted to give you guys a head's up, since you guys have been compassionate towards me.

Gratefully,
Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#492467 - 12/13/15 10:30 AM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Carries The Fire Offline


Registered: 11/04/15
Posts: 170
Loc: Alba
"I am still amazed at the level of compassion that exists here! Whether or not I am worthy of that compassion or allow myself to be is another matter altogether. But, I am am still extremely grateful, regardless!!!!!"

Logan you are worthy . . . .we all are. I am kind of different, I come on here when I am feeling good and strong, and absent, when things are not going to well . . .

Logan, I wish I could look at my abusers, right dead in the eye these days, because they would not hold their gaze with me for long. . . . .

My experiences are different from many, as when I manage to put it in writing, although I must confess that I was not involved thankfully in an adult pedo ring, I was spared that, but. . . . . .

Just wanted to be honest with you here, as for getting you too look at them, that was a sick power game. Problem I have now though it, when I think people are looking/staring at me, I stare at them, until they back off. . . . . but that also can have consequences in my culture.

I am sure we can relate to each other on many levels too . . . see you in the chatroom sometime when I have the energy, or on here of course.

Again, welcome back!! You feel you need propped up again, you have come to the right place, you are stronger than you know.

Ctf

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#492470 - 12/13/15 12:43 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 3322
Quote:
So before I share anything with you guys, i just wanted you to know how sorry I am and have felt about asking for your help even though I have not been around to help you guys out.
so i thought I would put this message out first and make sure nobody felt hurt by me asking for your help in these confusing times.

Hi, Logan -

I don't think you are being fair to yourself. You are not responsible for anything more than simply sharing. I guess if I expected "help" from anyone, I'd see a therapist. From Male Survivor, however, I only expect to be able to sit with my friends and share. The only help I can possibly offer anyone is from the resonance of what I share. If that means something to someone, then that's great. If it doesn't, that's fine. No one here has the answers. I certainly don't. And I suspect no one here is expected to.

We all come and go. Life happens between posts. Whether that interval is a day, a week, a month, a year - it is just understood. There is nothing - nothing - to be sorry or ashamed about. And my support for you is every bit as strong as it has always been.
_________________________
..



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#492477 - 12/13/15 03:37 PM Re: I guess I really need to begin some where... [Re: Logan]
manipulated Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/25/14
Posts: 841
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Logan,

We all come and share as we are strong enough. For me somedays I read and lurk; Somedays I need help, support or to vent and here is a safe, supportive place. And rarely I am in a good space and strong enough to reach out and help others. For me it is all good and all of it helps. SLOWLY slowly so damn slowly it is getting better.

I have learned, and occasionally remember or get reminded the guild, shame, blame and responsibility for what happened to me and the other scouts was by manipulation; For others here it was threats; for others it was horrendous violence.

But no matter what our individual story, no matter the depth of the depravity, many here helped me finally accept and when I need now periodically remind me I was a child; I was a victim; I have survived and here I am slowly finding the path to thrive.

You are not dumping or taking without sharing. You are still carrying guilt, shame and responsibility that is NOT yours on your back. When you are in a better place you start unpacking that which was never yours to carry. Together we all can get better. When we can't see a way forward come here; share; someone has gone before and found a glimmer of light and they will lead us forward. Welcome back.
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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