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#490285 - 10/20/15 12:21 PM WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL?
brosie9 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 9
Loc: NEW YORK
as a survivor, there is one thing that drives me crazy. As you go through day to day, I resort to male4male massage, and not that it ends up with the deed, but to be with someone, to have the affection of another human being, and to have human touch. Yes the massage is relaxing, but it is also someone to talk to, and get a hug from. It is not about having sex but just being close to someone (a male) who I never had the chance to bond with as a child. I don't believe it has anything to do with sexual preference although I consider myself straight; yet the last hetero relationship was 23 years ago and it is something I yearn for. Is this normal? Do others go through this? How do you handle it? Please help.

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#490514 - 10/24/15 09:25 AM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
Older1 Offline


Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 91
Loc: Canada
You raise a good topic that inspires several questions. I think we all find different ways of satisfying our needs for intimacy and social connection. It probably varies from time to time and person to person. I enjoy being a member of a group (like here in M-S). I also belong to several other groups which give me a sense of belonging and intimacy and camaraderie. Having close friends helps; or playing team sports; or even playing cards or board games. Sometimes I just need to allow myself to play and give myself some "self care"..... fun exercise, an ice-cream cone, etc.
I don't think there is any "normal".

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#490536 - 10/24/15 04:29 PM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Brosie9 for us survivors, well just about anyone but more so us, there is no real such thing as "normal" but more so what is right for you that is what is in your best interest. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to the same or opposite sex or both as long as that attraction is genuinely pure and not driven by guilt or shame and feeling like you need to make the other person happy like you are re-enacting the abuse. It took me many years to accept my bisexual desires for what they are, I was so afraid I had "became" gay or bi because men abused me. I did fall into a few bad spells of revictimizing myself with other men and it was me driving them to abuse me because the guilt and shame made me feel like I was only good for them if they forced me to satisfy them.
Some simple rules to follow are is it safe, is it consensual, do I like/desire it, does he/she like/desire what you are doing, are you hurting anyone or being hurt, are you both of legal age? There are many more safe questions to consider, these are just a few I ask myself but feel free to add anything you can think of.
People may judge you because you like to get a massage from a man, really there is nothing wrong with it but people have there opinions regarding paying for it but the way I see it is if you both consent to it and he genuinely likes pleasuring you then it is like skipping dinner and a movie and going for the good stuff. Now if he/she is forced into the trade then it would be in your best interest to avoid that person so you don't feel like you had any part in forcing them into their own problems but please don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong to desire the attention of a man and that the abuse made you gay or bi, be yourself whoever that may be and not what anyone else wants you to be. Stay safe my friend.

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#490542 - 10/24/15 07:14 PM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
Severe stammer Offline


Registered: 10/04/15
Posts: 384
s its said above as long as your not forced into any kind of sexual relationship with man or woman , just enjoy it and feel love .
I have gay friends and I don't think them any different , I went to high class woman prostitutes to feel normal as I didn't feel loved or understood at home and was laughed at and humiliated , I felt more love being with a hooker , im not ashamed it was my survival , I looked at adult porn and it became an addiction .
We are all effected differently and we all live with the scars people look at me as some pervert who was a sex addict but behind closed doors I hated being there , but could not escape . bcause I loved my 3 kids , I didn't hate my ex W , just that she didn't help or understand what id been through , I laid my cards on the table a few times but was laughed at , I was numb inside I don't blame her now or her ignorant friends and family but that's life , I contemplated swinging to prove I was normal , might sound shocking but I had no where to turn and was lost .
Our wedding day was just fake , I knew she wanted security for or 3 kids and her , but I didn't even want to be there on our wedding day , I seen the pics and how people reacted , but id been there for 8 years , im recovering and my ex seems happy with someone not broken and my children eem great , she was a very good mother and loving , but there is stigma about adult males abused as children where I come from , but that's life I lost everything but I got a winners medal that's all that counts .
Laying your cards on the table is like Russian roulette , I got shot but im still alive finding the right help and understanding now and im healing and im proud ive found somewhere I can be open with out being interrogated , all it would of taken was having faith in what I was saying but that's life .
Talk to me anytime you want if your down and lost as it can be very lonely xx
Big hugsxx

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#494523 - 01/26/16 04:01 AM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
Luckylarry1 Offline


Registered: 09/01/15
Posts: 12
Loc: Indiana and Florida
I do appreciate these posts, After 47 yrs of multiple rapes in the military I have finally begun to address them. That only happened after I realized that I was driving a wedge between my 3rd wife and myself.
For most of me after Service life I have worked very hard to succeed at business and to hide my shame of being penetrated by another man. My anger and isolation grew so very slowly that I didn't realize it, hell I was busy being a chameleon socially. It almost work, but I grew older and very friggin tired of always reaching for approval from others, especially men.
I now can see that in my post Service manhood, I was always trying to prove how straight I was, even though I felt very soiled, embarrassed and unworthy of a woman's love. That lead me to felling very unappreciated sexually by my wife. Libido being as it was I did begin to find compassion and safe sexual encounters with someone who would not judge me harshly...other married men. Although that seemed to satisfy me sexually, it just added to my guilty feelings of being a good husband. Oh damn the confusion!
My MST PTSD program is helping much, but damn I need conversations with other men who can understand me, rather than judge me.
_________________________
Luckylarry1

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#494529 - 01/26/16 08:20 AM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3438
Luckylarry1

There is nothing normal about SA at any age, nothing normal on how we react and we all react different, nothing normal on how the abuse impacts for a child brain development and for all brain chemistry.

I think you will see people here do not judge because we all have a variety of issues and the imprint left by the abuse will be different for each of us. One thing most have in common is the sense of worthlessness and questioning who they are.

Take your time and the answers will come. I wish I could tell you tomorrow, because I have been waiting for what seems like a zillon tomorrows for my final answers. But in the end I am realizing I am receiving answers throughout--this weekend a major revelation of what others were trying to do to silence me and protect themselves hit me, no longer denying their actions or intentions. I think the denial along with guilt and shame are our worst enemies. I have not mastered ridding myself of them, but I am trying.

Remember SA is not normal

Kevin

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#494577 - 01/26/16 09:01 PM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1537
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Hi brosie9 , I get deep-tissue therapy from a man frequently.
I need love from a man.
So this massage therapist does a good job.
He even works on my glutes ( because I have injuries there from
excessive running uphill on treadmills- not healthy.)
And, I feel safe. I know it wont go anywhere.
I think IMHO if a person wants a massage to move toward sexual;
it would be best do that at a bathhouse.
I was never loved; always hit , by everyone!
This touch from deep-tissue massage helps me feel safe from a
man and that is important in my recovery!
Hope this helps.

always.
James

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#494588 - 01/26/16 10:44 PM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
Blue__Bird Offline


Registered: 12/16/15
Posts: 100
I agree with what everyone has said. There's no such thing as normal if you mean by normal something that everybody likes or hates or does. I have learned that here on this forum.

You may find a massage helpful and a way to receive affection; as long as you like it and it makes you happy then it's a good thing. Personally I hate physical contact of any kind, but if I have to have someone help with an injury then I can put up with it. I know I'd never seek for a massage voluntarily though... But that's what works for me. Another thing I've learned: don't be too hard on yourself.

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#495351 - 02/13/16 02:59 AM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
Luckylarry1 Offline


Registered: 09/01/15
Posts: 12
Loc: Indiana and Florida
I am but searching for some conversation with another who could possibly understand a piece of me. That's all
_________________________
Luckylarry1

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#506920 - Yesterday at 07:27 AM Re: WHAT DO OTHERS DO? IS THIS NORMAL? [Re: brosie9]
MojaveMike Offline


Registered: 02/07/17
Posts: 17
Loc: New Mexico USA
I have been trying to build up the courage to have a Reiki massage-where they barely touch you.
_________________________
Be Safe!

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