You need not worry. I too have been on the outs with the Church. As I struggled with abuse in recent years, I could not face the church. A woman who came into my life made me feel safe and helped with return to the church. No pushing on her side, she went and I would wait until she returned. Eventually I returned to a collegiate setting, the universities chapel. A much more inclusive message than some of the more traditional churches. While she was here I would attend, feeling safe with her there. But she is not here now and I found myself feeling unsafe when I attended alone. I stopped going. When she returned several weeks ago, we went and I felt safe and the memories were silent. Alone, the memories reappear. Why I am not sure but hopefully one day I will be able to continue a reconnection by myself. In the interim I keep my distance. I believe in God and I know he is watching. I believe He knows there is a time and place when I will reconnect with the institution but until that time I am confident He is still is watching and looking over me. I do not blame God, it was a human who abused me and put my life in a spiral. God gave the abuser choice and unfortunately one of his choices was me.