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#48470 - 02/26/03 03:16 AM Re: gotta take the trip
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5427
Loc: Washington State
I have not cried in years but I am crying for you now gunnar. I will miss you and I only can hope that you find the peace in death that you never found in this life. I will miss you always will be in my prys always I love you gunnar.

#48471 - 02/26/03 03:35 AM Re: gotta take the trip
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
seaotter shows us how powerful this forum is. I think that many of us will need to grieve our loss. Gunnar has shown us that awful harm done to a boy who is not only violated, betrayed, used as a sex toy, but also photographed and exploited on the www.

I sent seaotter some private messages becuase his sorrow so touched me. Only the last time did he use the name Gunnar. He was so horrified that he had been shown a picture of himself as a kid, naked and crying.

His pain hit me hard. I had a very false idea of Gunnar. I saw him as a young, healthy man, who had decided that he would not let his past haunt him. I had no idea he had a terminal illness. I guess he did not want to worry us or get lots of symathy.

I will write to find out just a tad more, to know just little more of the young man I came to love and admire so much.

When a person is in extreme pain we do not think clearly sometimes. All he really wanted was to be free of the gut wrenching pain. For me, I now have a new pain, one I had no idea I would ever feel.

Peace to us all. We need to feel our loss and handle it in whatever way we can best do so.

Much love to all you guys. You know that you are truly loved, even though we could pass each other on the streets and not recognize each other. This truly is a brotherhood. We have happy days, days of victory and days of grief. But together we can help each other deal with whatever is going on this day.

Let us pray, if you are a praying person both for Gunnar and his friend and our brother, Mr Edd who is needing our love today.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#48472 - 02/26/03 03:39 AM Re: gotta take the trip
Jess Offline

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California

Seaotter and I talked together a great deal privately on the chat line on the second day that I was here at Male Survivor. He gave me such support and so much encouragement to finally face the truth of my childhood abuse and to become a healing Survivor and an Activist against male sexual victimization. To Gunnar/Seaotter my most solemn benediction. May your essence, your soul, be filled now with all the joy, peace and happiness that can be received in eternity. May you finally be released from all your pain, and may you enjoy forever the presence and the love of the One who shall reward you for all the love you gave and all the good you did in this world. This world was only just a proving ground and a school of preparation, equipping you for the glories which were to lie ahead. The glories in which now rejoice.

With much sorrow and much love, Sincerely, Jess.

#48473 - 02/26/03 06:27 AM Re: gotta take the trip
Chey-Wy Offline

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 245
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
It is funny how god knows what we need ... even before we ask. Today I was driving down the road there were two songs on the radio that made me think of my father. I was going to post them under music tonight in memory of him. I will post them hear instead. Sea Otter is with God now.... but his memory will remain forever in our hearts.

The first song I want to publish is "Holes in the floor of heaven." Whenever it rains we can think of our loved ones that have passed .... knowing they are with us always. This song gives me comfort. I hope it does the same for you.

Collin Raye - Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

One day shy of eight years old,
When grandma passed away.
I was a broken hearted little boy,
Blowing out that birthday cake.
How I cried & cried when the sky let go,
With a cold lonesome rain.
My momma smiled, said: "Don't be sad child.
"Grandma's watching you today."

"'Cos there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
"And her tears are pouring down.
"That's how you know she's watching,
"Wishing she could be here now.
"An' sometimes if you're lonely,
"Just remember she can see.
"There's holes in the floor of Heaven
"And she's watching over you and me."

Seasons come and seasons go,
Nothing stays the same.
I grew up, fell in love,
Met a girl who took my name.
Year by year, we made a life,
In this sleepy little town.
I thought we'd grow old together,
Lord, I sure do miss her now.

But there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
And her tears are pouring down.
That's how I know she's watching,
Wishing she could be here now.
An' sometimes when I'm lonely,
I remember she can see.
There's holes in the floor of Heaven,
And she's watching over you and me.

Well my little girl is 23,
I walk her down the aisle.
It's a shame her Mom can't be here now,
To see her lovely smile.
They throw the rice, I catch her eye,
As the rain starts coming down.
She takes my hand; says: "Daddy don't be sad,
'Cos I know Mama's watching now."

"And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
"And her tears are pouring down.
"That's how you know she's watching,
"Wishing she could be here now.
"An' sometimes when I'm lonely,
"I just remember she can see.
"Yes, there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
"And she's watching over you and me."

Watching over you and me.

Watching over you and me.

Watching over you and me.
The other song I think is fitting is Angles Among Us. I know we are sad that he is gone. But it is possible he can help us with our strugle more from where he is at. A place where there is only peace.



I was walking home from school on a cold winter day
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, oh but he was standing there
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of love

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand
And ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
That someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope


They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need


To guide us with a light of love
I remember a poem that my sister read when a teacher we both had and loved in school died after a long battle with cancer. I was in the 6th grade when this teacher died. She had been my 4th grade teacher. It is a simple poem but I have remembered it all these years. It helped me to understand why God had taken my favorite teacher.

I know we'd like to keep her/him here,
but she/he was lent not given,
and now her/his time has come at last
and god needs her/him back in heaven.

From "Lion King" "The Circle of Life" with Lyrics

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion] (Repeat)

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [As lion and a leopard come to this open place]

#48474 - 02/26/03 01:15 PM Re: gotta take the trip
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
My thoughts go out to all here who are suffering the loss of Gunnar or any loved one.

My thoughts go out to MrEdd and Al that they may find healing and hope.


#48475 - 02/26/03 01:36 PM Re: gotta take the trip
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Ethan wrote:
It took him great effort to write above message...
We were honored that Gunnar took the time to share with us and say his goodbye's to us here at MaleSurvivor. I'm proud of him for showing us/me his strength and caring to do this.

Thank you Gunnar wherever you are now. Thank you Ethan for letting us know and my thoughts go out to you in your time of grieving and loss.

He died peacefully in his bed, and he was not scared, we prayed and talked, we said our goodbyes.
And he was not scared to take the next big step we all face. A reminder to myself that life is so short... I was watching a documentary last night about a movie producer/director filming a moive in the Amazon jungle about manhandling a river boat over a hill to another river. A monumental effort. While thinking about Gunnar, my life and this forum, the producer said this at the end of filming having meet with partial success -

"I did this because facing the fear of failure is better than facing the fear of a lifetime of regret".

No regrets Gunnar! You faced your end like a man.

and he was not scared,
and he was not scared.


#48476 - 02/26/03 06:14 PM Re: gotta take the trip
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Words have no meaning! Gunnar was my friend. He Wanted to help me (money wise), and he didnt know me! I learnt alot about my friend in chat the other night when we shared stories, that was the first time i told anyone! Gunnar was specail to me, now he's gone!

He told me he had just finished writing his book, based on his life, and abuse! He never told me what it was called. I hope his book get published. This ones for you my friend!


If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!


#48477 - 02/26/03 06:26 PM Re: gotta take the trip
John D Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/30/02
Posts: 5
Loc: Texas
We all could not help but love Sea, I found it sad that within the many dark moments I have been enduring lately I wasn't able to hear him more. His strength is the true spirit of our group. He died as not a victim but as a survivor. And we all deserve to feel good about that. Lyrrad, thanks for delivering for us. I love you all and his memory will most certainly not go to waste here.


#48478 - 02/26/03 08:26 PM Re: gotta take the trip
cog Offline

Registered: 01/10/03
Posts: 42
I am so profoundly sad. my chest is heaving. I am dying inside. I am crying. This hurts so bad. The last time I talked to seaotter, I got offended at something he said to me and I told him so.
He was there for me in some of the most horrible times of my life and he lifted me up. He inspired me. He wrote one of the most inspiring poems on my post - a post that was difficult for me to write. He was there in the chat room when I wrote it, and He was there to support me and tell me we proud of me for writing what I did. He told me I had a lot of courage. I looked up to him. He told me , "You are loved, my friend." He remembered me (of all people) in his final farewell.

I wanted to reconcile with him for me getting mad at something he said. Oh it hurts so bad. I feel like I am dying inside. Now I can't reconcile with him. I know he only had goodness in his soul when he said what he said to me. I know he didn't mean to make me mad. He was trying to help me to heal. He was always trying to help us heal. It hurts so much, that I can't talk to him anymore and share in his wisdom. And partake of his bounteous wise words that stir the soul. I can barely breathe now. The emotions are so raw.
I am so sorry seaotter that you had so much misery-- and so much pain. You treated me with such kindness, and compassion.
If you are listening, I want you to know that I consider you a true friend. I wish we could have met and talked face to face as friends do. I wanted to tell you that you did help me to heal and you did so much good for me. I wanted to share my achievements with you. You were always there listening and you encouraged me. I am sorry for getting angry.

This hurts so bad. I have no other way to express it. I am barely breathing. I am choking, and crying. Tears are continually flowing down my face. They won't stop.

Seaotter, I can only say this in parting, "YOU ARE LOVED, MY FRIEND!"

#48479 - 02/26/03 09:02 PM Re: gotta take the trip
Archnut Offline

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
I never knew Seaotter but just reading these messages of love and comfort I can see/feel that he IS greatly loved by all.

I say IS as I feel that his spirit will remain with us here always. I will remember him for all days as I have cried over someone I never knew and I feel a tremendous sense of loss.....a feeling.... I have experienced very few feelings over the last couple of decades.

So thank you Seaotter, just thank you.

Wherever you are I wish you peace.

And all that was left was hope.


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