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#4841 - 06/17/05 10:10 AM Confused
VN Offline

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Why - there so it is a lot of anger right now? I have no conversation with my father within many months. Last time, when I speak in general, we argue, I resist in it(him), and I leave. I do not wish contact to it(him). I really am afraid of it(him). It(he) - one of two person this world which I am afraid. Something, that happen, several years ago, it is constant in a pain to me. Damages, they heal mainly, but always there will be a pain from it. Right now, I am sick. To be ill, I think, that it - ' the trigger mechanism ' to me. It forces me to feel like weaker. It forces me to feel like vulnerable and not strong. After automobile accident the last month, I think, that I feel more fears, I have troubles with dream. I do not want to feel, that I am weaker. I do not want to feel fear, and I am similar am to child. Sometimes interestingly, it will be, I can recover from it safely? I am afraid to worsen before I recover. Or, I was possible not so heal? It never really has, so bothers to me much, that I read the some people here. Probably should begin to heal not necessary? I am confused.


#4842 - 06/17/05 05:54 PM Re: Confused
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

It is neccesary for you to heal if you ever want to be happy. That is what a lot of people here are telling you. And yes, a lot of times, when you first begin working on these Sexual Abuse issues, it is painful and seems to make you feel worse than if you just ignored it.

VN, I tried hiding and ignoring my abuse for almost 30 yrs. It never goes away. You know this. It is always with you no matter how far back in your mind you try to place it. It always made me feel cheap, dirty, guilty, and ashamed. I felt like damaged goods.

I was going through life thinking that I had control over my SA issues, but in fact, the issues always had control over me. They dictated everything I did in my life. I never realized how screwed up I was until my wife was ready to walk out on me.

I have been coming here for a year now this month. I have been forced to acknowledge and realize things that I have tried hiding from for decades! I have learned from these men. Age makes no difference here. We all learn. I have learned as much from your 2 young friends as I have anyone in my entire life! I have started therapy for the first time this year. That has been tough at times.

It's tough at first and it hurts and you will ask yourself is it worth it. Take it from me and others here, it IS worth it. Eventually you feel better. You begin to get some confidence. You realize that you aren't dirty, guilty, and shameful. You see life in a different and better way. Ask your friends how it has made a difference in their lives. You know it has!

You're going to make it, VN. It may not always be easy, but know that it will not always be tough, either. You WILL get better.

As far as your physical pain, yes pain can trigger you. Especially pain that is caused from an injury inflicted upon you by your father. Try to realize that was in your past. You can take care of yourself now. Stay away from him if you must. You owe it to yourself to stay safe, VN. Take care of VN, because no one else will take care of you like yourself. You are good. Realize it and take care of the good person you are.

Things WILL get better, VN. We're here for you. You aren't alone anymore.

#4843 - 06/18/05 12:03 AM Re: Confused
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
VN listen to Rich. He has it dead on. Working through the stuff is the only way to reclaim your life. The life you were meant to have. It is there for you for the taking.

Life can definitely be great and we are here for such a short time. Speaking for myself I think you and your friends are showing absolutely amazing self growth.

Like Rich I buried it for 40 years. I used prostitution, alcohol, an evil temper and violence to mask the pain. My anger during this time was directed mainly at me and anyone who loved me. Working on it has taught me that that anger needs to be directed where it belongs. At those who used and abused us. By doing that you take control over your own life and who you are. And who are you. You are a decent young man who cares for his friends and is always there for them. And I thank you for that.



#4844 - 06/19/05 05:47 AM Re: Confused
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here

I think it is not uncommen, to feel more triggered if you are ill. You very well recognized it, you are more weak, physically, and feel more vulnerable. Perhaps also with you, it represents a time when a mom should really be a mom, and take care of you, and didn't. But being sick, it is huge trigger for me. And pain, that is just something else that takes energy, and just is on your brain that really brings you low.

I think there are recent events that are bringing up more fears for you. And just to come here, for your sister to visit, things that are GOOD for you, can have a triggering effect. I think the people who know me best know that some of the times I am most not myself and most triggered is when things are good. You have had a LOT of emotional things in the past few months, the last six or 7 actually, and you have been dealing with all of them very strongly. But there is no dishonor to asking for help at times. It is a 'big' man who knows when he is near the break point and can get back from it.

You are strong, very strong man. You have protected some very good people from some very bad things. Just please know that YOU deserve some protection as well, and it is not weak or lesser then to need that.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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