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#48290 - 05/21/05 09:34 AM Trusting Friends?
G5 Offline

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 204
Loc: New Jersey
It's been a year or so since I've posted last but here goes.
A friend that I shared my most difficult secret with has been bugging me, in front of other friends and co-workers about the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I haven't dated for about 7-8 years because I just am afraid to let anyone close again. I feel I'm tainted. I've had some very good progress over the years and I'm feeling better and better as time goes on, but I'm almost deathly afraid of letting someone in that close again. This kind of stems from a relationship I had with a women over ten years ago......I was crazy about her and I thought she was sent from the heavens for me. Things were pretty passionate and I preferred sex over talking at that time. I think now that I was using sex w/her to make me feel more like a man. I wanted to prove to myself I wasn't gay (because of my abuse,) and pound on my chest to prove being heterosexual. In any difficult situation I had with her or that I brought home, sex would be the crutch I would use. After a while she became uncomfortable with this and eventually broke up with me. Since then, I've felt like my own predator, because of the things she said about me and my need for sex. I felt like I was turning into a molester in some way and she saw this when I couldn't. So that said, I feel like any women I might be attracted to can "see" my disease right away or that somehow through the grapevine of all women discussions, that I was outed by this previous girlfriend. Stay away from him, the notice would say....
Anyways I'm pissed that my friend is publicly discussing this most intimate trouble of mine, and at the sametime I'm just worried I'll get to a somewhat happy place, but be by myself for the rest of my life.


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#48291 - 05/21/05 12:45 PM Re: Trusting Friends?
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
A person who breaks a confidence is NOT a true friend at all. We who were subjected to SA as children had a harsh lesson in being betrayed and have a difficult time as adults trusting other people. You placed trust in this person and he is destroying that trust by telling other people something that is very private and embarrassing to you.
I don't know how comfortable you are in approaching him about this AND I'm not an attorney, but it appears that he is violating laws that are in place regarding sexual harrassment and sexually hostile workplace issues. If someone reading this is an attorney, please correct me or clarify this. But as i understand it, he is discussing sexual issues with co-workers and it is obvious that your superiors are either unaware of it or choosing not to deal with the problem.
If I were in your place, I would pull this guy aside and tell him to stop or I will file a sexual harrassment suit against him. He risks termination, fines, or worse depending on the laws in your state.
Aside from the fact that he was a friend who betrayed your trust, he is acting irresponsibly in the workplace. You have the RIGHT to go to work every day and not be subjected to gossip and chatter that makes you feel demoralized and embarrassed. I have a feeling that a little "talk" with him will shut him up - of course no one knows exactly what happens.
The other alternative would be to go to your supervisor, but I think that may be even more difficult for you because you would have to divulge MORE information that you may be comfortable with.
You're in a difficult situation, but I don't think that it's impossible to deal with.
As to your girlfriend, we all make mistakes in life and you may find it in your heart sometime to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and apologize for anything that you may have done to hurt her.... but that's something that you may want to do far down the road. Don't beat yourself up for it... she obviously recognized that she didn't feel comfortable with the relationship the way it was and decided not to continue it.
You will also see by reading postings here that may SA survivors have sexual identity confusion and we all deal with it in many different ways. YOu may want to consider finding a good therapist who has experience dealing with SA survivors. He or she will help you to explore your thoughts, feelings and desires and sort out what is a result of the SA.
I hope that I've been of some help with my comments.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"


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