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#482670 - 05/22/15 03:40 PM .gay for me.
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
why do I have to be gay.
I feel angry. I feel ugly. I never have had a girlfriend.
I remember jenny st. ___ I had a crush on her. But I didn't
know who I was, and b/c of him (sperm-donor) - I feel so scared. Fascinating I have this fear and it was from 1984 and
it feels like I am living this memory now.
Don't know you. don't know who to talk to. I think I get why some drop-in counseling places - they cant be my dad.
It feels so challenging. Feel I have no worries but I had to leave my mom. and I needed her. She doesn't need .
me. I sometimes feel like I wanted her as my dad. who?
my mom. I journal on my blog but I wanted to know if I am gay.
I need this. I need to know I am good. and I am smarter than my dad would need me to be. He needs all the attention.
I was envious of him placing my cousins first and I got to cry and cried a lot as a baby ; my Uncle smacking me and calling me stupid all the time. I am just trying to be a man but it hard to do this when I keep thinking of sex. I never had been a man. How can I be a man when I am not yet a baby.
P. Everyone might think that is weird , bizarre. I believe ,see how. But I have never had parents and had to keep quiet all the time. I think this abuse that my dad's family did really leaks into everyday communication, and interaction I get with anyone. Bozna wants to have it all!
Convincing me that my mom is evil. I grew up so stressed that b/c I wasn't allowed to think , this my cells in my mind got all anxious and praying for some affection, love. My mom
was forced to stay away. My dad is really mental to assume that I have to be exactly like him. He who doesn't know who he really is. He did this. Doing everything to get acceptance and unconditional love from his parents, validation.
That isn't funny to do this. Don't let me get me. Good song-title and thanks for that Pink. I didn't want to die.
But I never have. Bozna . everytime I think I have to think for them. For their bilie. She cant accept who her mom and dad are and so I had to turn my mom into this greedy person and who isn't worthy of my love. Boy, this feels fantastic!
My dipshit father knows . He knows how to keep me quiet.
Food! Just don't tell your mom. Staring at me with this frightening facial expression. Everytime I look at my mom I was scared that w she would do something to me. I think I am going through puberty. What also is exhausting is therapists who don't see that they make mistakes. I have had therapists that should have been through some therapy of their own. Their worries, and misleading their beliefs are not to affect me and how they give me therapy.
So. It is been a hard road. Never take you guys for granted. don't have a home. and I guess I like men.
I like guys' asses. I love men.! and I think my mom rejected me , which really hurt my safety. I had no home.
And the one thing my dad's family is give Goran food and he will want more. If I eat I can never say . I can say it now. So fuck him, them. All of 'em.
creeps. that is it. I am tired. need exercise , money. money and would love to see my nieces and nephew and
sister in law. and love but am careful to how I expect from my mom. She thinks her dumb , stupid husband is something great. Great at being an idiot!!
run away, asshole.

#482690 - 05/23/15 08:19 AM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Sterling]
Nothing Man Offline

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1135
Loc: Ohio
Goran, I am really happy that you are able to vent your feelings of frustration. This has to be cathartic for you. Keep it up.

Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

#482775 - 05/25/15 03:34 AM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Nothing Man]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Howdy, Goran.

Greetings from Germany.

First, my fraternal brother, i think that we have to find ourselfs.
Who were we as young boys?
Why were we emotionally, mentally and physically abused on top of that?
What sexuality were we?
Why did we become sexual objects of others desires?
Why will it take the rest of our lives to finally come to terms with ourselfs?
Emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually?

Taking each task to find ourselfs, our innocense in things happening to us that we neither could comprehend, understanding & have control over as young boys.

I was born gay. At 5 years of age I had already figured that out. I'm sure that my incestious mom had figured that out too.
My boyhood friends parents had figured that out too. But had accepted me totally with their sons as just another human being.

I was never attracted to girls as a boy, i had a sister 3 years younger & i couldn't tell you anything about her. I couldn't tell you about my mom either. It's like they never existed.

I was sent to a Catholic orphanage/home at 10 yrs old. It was an all male facility. It was there where i met another gay boy. It was the first time in our young lives that we had experienced what true love was all about, unconditionally. It was sweet, clean & pure love. Two gay boys in a Catholic orphanage/Home & we had to be very careful about being seen together. The other boys there never called us queers or any other names. We both were 10-14 year old boys there & we were together for 4 years. So we buried our sexuality from others as best as we could.

Then at 17 years old in 1956 i joined the Air Force, keeping my gay sexuality bured deep inside of myself, once again in my life in order to survive. I learned to play the game as a straight person.
I ran the bars & whorehouses with them. Survival, G survival.
I got a German lady pregnant & accepted my responsibility for bringing a human being into this world. I married her there was never an emotional & mental bonding with her.
How could there have been? I was a gay boy/man in the closet and i stayed there with her for 35 years. Until all the abuse of my youth resurfaced forever.
I was in living hell & sought mental health which i recieved & on two occassins my wife went to a T session with me. That's where she found out that she had married a homosexual man.

I was finally out of the closet as a gay boy/man. She had accused me of marrying her under false pretenses. Why didn't i tell her this before we were married? Hell all this was still buried in the deepest part of my heart, mind, body & soul.
Well, i walked out on her, no emotions what so ever.

On the way out of her life she said to me...........................
So you want to leave me & go marry a man.
G, my fraternal brother/friend it wasn't an easy task to face, but i finally have come to where a place in life where i truly belong.

Where my sexuality really is, where love has come all together for me.
Emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually, in my heart, mind, body & soul. Free at last to coin a phrase.

So, Goran my Canadian fraternal brother/friend, be PROUD of who & what you are when you try and come to terms with yourself. Be kind & gentle on yourself.

Straight, bisexually or gay i'll still like & care for you.
I hope that this will be of a help for you. Keep venting, keep trying to find your real self. Wishingyou well.

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#482877 - 05/26/15 05:45 PM Re: .gay for me. [Re: petercorbett]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Thanks N.M. ! I will keep venting, it IS very Cathartic!

and Peter thanks for sharing some of your experiences.
I need someone a few years older who is very supportive and
I didn't get any of this throughout my life.


#482982 - 05/27/15 05:53 PM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Sterling]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I think I am. what is the big deal?
don't know. I am embarrassed.
I know my mom was ashamed of me. or was it bozna didn't like
me. the second one.
I am gay . my folks know.
I am wondering if to just leave.
very depressed about living here.
what makes it better in Ontario?
my dad.
your bio dad?
no. sometimes. I feel so unsure or nervous about seeing my dad.
he is a strange individual.
he needs his family.
too hard to accept. he needed them and embarrassed me.
don't need to watch porn , focus!
okay so I feel so lost. I definitely am gay.
I love guys. I definitely like menl. I like women.
just not sexually. I remember this girl Vesna
back in 83 ...we played and I was on top of her and she was
down in her underwear and I was turned off. sign smile check!
and her mom came pounding on the door.
She put on her clothes and opened the door.
I have never wacked off to women.
and yet I get turned on by my adad. this is gross.
He is sick he wants me. I and me thato is a cunt!!
I hate this. I hate that I have an idiot for a father.
and I hate it that everyone has wonderful lives.
So what can I do? come out?
ya. like to who. I should tell Rachel my landlord.
I don't know what she would think. but is it necessary?
why should I just tell? why would it matter?
I just want love and want to be honest.
I deserve this!
If I lived in Ontario I might be very disappointed.
I should just fuck off to Australia.
Moving moving. fear. annoying panic dust.
sugar = frees. bilie. billie cant allow that m that her
dad likes kids. she is sick and I have my brain.
she cant hurt me anymore.
what kind of a dad is this? he kills me and blames his problems on me. he can eat. I am tired of being a flirt to women. that is why I don't k do. this. I like men.
I hate thi that I hat tom be so quiet . they always would feed me and look at goran he is sick! he needs his dad.
They would do this to so thiey wouldn't have to feel their own pain. o h I get it.
I cant have it all. But I get shit and then I try to get my anger out. But it si isn't working.
bc I ,kkk fat. fat fat fat. fat fat .fat.
so forget the perogies this Friday.
forget the pizza. I have feel my anger. that is it.
and then iheard that say. and then I watched about last night. and then when I saw nigel leave it ..I felt angry bekaz he likes crystal. and crystal momentarily is making me feel she is availing to me. not true. very true!!
and so I told her truth. I asked her about Nigel and h know he has a crush on her. . and I wasn't attracted to her.
.then when I see a guy s ass in public. I know I want that!
that tells me that I am GAY. ah. so. this is hard to
accept I think bekaz these assholes really are d.
I am dec em ber. sholc. dnt time. if I am patient. oy
t need money. how is I cant get a job....
need money. and . . Gman is gay. good move on nowm
move on.

#482983 - 05/27/15 06:10 PM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Sterling]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada

when I agy comes into the library.
don't want my dad. don't want my dad. todnt aty my dad
I shouldn't have went to the bank. I should have felt my feelings. I was thinking of karaoke and . I started buying in side me I wanted alove. love so gba bad that I think if spenispending and watch biille happ.y bekaz whe want s to
be gay. but she cant be gay. I have to be happy. on my feom
ownt osnt tell anyone billies secret. but I am gay and
it isn't right for me to be straight. it is impossible.
That is why I cant truest women. women have always beat me
up to t. tells me you are not ab boy. me dad. laughed at me and I was very sick. needy. and now . w if I guy sees me like guys. this is fine. but they seem to be erher. everyone. and I that is mehy what I at. stand watdching movies. I didn't do anything. now I want tat girlfriend
no you are not allowed to like that.
she would smack me folwwed if you eat you waitl be iaky.
I need to yell. I don't like to wack of to guys.
I am so scared. and then when I need a dad to talk to to tell me you should never go there ever. you are not my son.
that is what he said to me.! and I am thinking of moving there. mom I don't naot. if I can see you. in my mind sure. I have to get anger out. this is so fucking hard.
I could kill your bilie you son-of a= bitch.
I ahte hits. I ahte inger. I don't knawo you tou.s .ar my myi
dtha. its. kie tisotn tnkoa who my dad is. I rush . wat everything. I know who sreads this wont understand that is okay of couse. I am agreat guy why amim inin Winnipeg.
I hatethis town. fuck I don't now know why am I gay?
is there a reason and why is it I watch porn it doesn't do anything for me. I don't want to know everyone s gay.
my aunt would tell shit like. you touch blgoj right here
what kind of person doesn this.
I felt safe nowhere. go to the movies .
how can I go to the vm movuinges I see that sistiot oult my pants down and I hate to keep quiet . for .them
I have a lot of sick. thures. I don't want to see yuou.
trust noene of the. noend o I hate moives . icant standthis
why cant I jfuck off. I athe your cunt bilie
yours! yours and your sister and meri and everyone fucking h fgirol that associtaios with all of tyou I hate that women hated me and didn't knmow anyt. I ahte my brother hates me and I ahte that I need ded one guy to tak eme thru this.
one guy one!!! and I what thos aw wahtch buys dicks. I hate htat
I envy or jealous of you and don't want to be jeaslous of you or them. I ahate my . you these gyuys don't know me so I am not m olesting this guy or this guy. I am never touching you agin.. fruxked asshole he should give me like fifty grand for all the therapy. te trasth.
god at least give me some moem menoy so I can dchnage that crap last name. I hate this. ii hate this shit so cukfin much.
I athedfsdafdjkf;ljf

#482989 - 05/27/15 08:19 PM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Sterling]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
bilie is sick. you are not allowed to be a man.
. goran.
is not. a boy. giggle giggle.
e insult me infront mer. meri. is nt mye . my mom isn't
m st. I hate food. I hate this. I need to veo.
move. note

#483145 - 05/30/15 05:42 PM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Sterling]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
need you guys. whot to avey to remember you kriol. what
to have soof. do tneed you. iwi sh I cuks you atyou didk.
. no ever noevr . want o hear me. o haer me. hser me
mern natm ownt to ive lodtn werehl
sugar sucks! hate you h te you athoyu tosl want to remember you. I ahte you. you are not a dat. a.tiy our ve eher to billie mij or dad ever. you dot I love epeople just tay ao
God bless. . wish I new owat I had to do.
why ownt they listen owhy . ineed you. goran. . more
me. now. goran bloom

#483170 - 05/31/15 12:43 AM Re: .gay for me. [Re: Sterling]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Sterling, my Canadian fraternal brother.

Wishing you a day of peace & serenity in heart, mind, body & soul.
You certainally deserve one.

Keep venting & getting all the hurts out. Cry for that lost boy if you can. Replace those long buried rusty tears flow & replacing them with those cleansing tears.

Compassion, understanding, hope & love, for my Canadian brother/friend.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#483228 - 06/01/15 11:27 AM Re: .gay for me. [Re: petercorbett]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2190
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
thanks Peterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Yea I think I am gay. I am in the closet, I think.
I have never looked at a women's ass as much as a guy's.
Hate that I put so much weight in the last year.
I have to settle for a man who is chunky like moi!!!
Thanks again I can use as much support.
I hate it that my dad not only laughed at me- it destroyed
the thought of my being a guy. what an asshole!
I struggle with self-esteem!
Love ya,
and hope you are doing friggin awessssssssame!!


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