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#48146 - 05/20/05 07:42 PM letter to my mother (triggers?)
Brandon Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Florida
i dont reall know what to say to you, and its been hard for me to talk to you lately. so im writing this cuz its easier for me, and hopefully you can understand me better this way.

i need your help. even if i may not show it. i need you to be more there, amnd open for me to talk to you. i know your trying, and your doing everything you can to make my life good. idont doubt that you love me, but i wish you could show it more.

what happened to me is not your fault. so i hope you arent blaming yourself for it. it was your brothers fault, and im sorry for lieing so much about it instead of telling you. i was just scared to. i dunno what more to say mom. i seriously need your help. maybe go to counsling with you. cuz my mind is a mess at the moment.

im sure your is to, but your to tough to show it to me. i wish you would so i dont feel so fucking alone. i know you want me to be tough, but there is a limit for me. i have been tough for a long time now, but because he is gone now. doesnt mean im ok.

i have nightmares all the time about him, and i breakdown crying all the time. i cry for hours somtimes, and somtimes wish i could just rip my heart out, and throw it away. so i wouldnt feel this pain. its becoming to much for me. its why i get high so much. it helps me to ignore it, but i know that just makes me weak in your eyes.

i want to be a good son, and show you that i love you. i just dont know how most of the time. i need you to be more open with me. so please read this.

i love you mom

i wrote this letter to my mother today, cuz i have had such a hardtime talking to her. im afraid to give it to her though. which is why i posted it here. just need to know if it would be a good idea, or not.


#48147 - 05/20/05 11:38 PM Re: letter to my mother (triggers?)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Brandon - I can tell how hard it is for you to talk to your mom about this subject. It is a difficult subject to talk about to anyone let alone someone close to you. Just ask the young guys here who have been through that part of the journey. But, you need to begin gathering a support system for yourself. It is easier with a therapist involved [I do hope you are seeing someone for support therapy? because much of the struggles you experience are symptoms common from the sexual abuse]. I'm glad you able to write down your thoughts and feelings here. If we don't talk our feelings out, we act them out which only gets us in deeper trouble and problems. Should you give your mom the letter? If it's too difficult to talk about it and it's too tough to write about this, all that crap racing around your mind will just keep running (crying "for no reason"(?); sleep problems, etc.). Your mom, who needs to be part of your support system, will never know what you feel or think!! How lonely is that?? The perp shoved us into lonely with secrets. You need to get out of lonely, isolation and get everything out!! Should you give the letter to your mom? You need to decide! Whatever, you know we're here for you!!


PS: Have you read my PM?

If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#48148 - 05/21/05 02:54 AM Re: letter to my mother (triggers?)
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
You know your mother best, no one here do. So we can not tell you if it is best idea or not. I think you will decide that for yourself. I do think, if you have a parent or person who love you, it is good idea for you to let them know of what happens, because it maybe can explain other things to them about you. But you must be prepared for any response, because maybe it is not one you will want. My father, when first I tell him, he get very angry with me tell me I am gay, ask me why I let them do things to me, what I done wrong. We did not talk at all some weeks, and I did not go home to visit, even though I had not seen my whole family for almost a year. Then when he find out I am in therapy, because my therapist and I talk with him on phone, she try to help me explain to him, he tell me I am crazy, only crazy people need therapy. It is very different in our culture, and it take long time for him and my mom to understand it more. They still do not know all things, they do not know how much happen, how long, how many persons. But they support me more now, and understand at least ME more now. Just be careful, because even though you say it is not her fault, she will feel guilty, and sometime guilty feelings come out as anger for while.



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