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#480703 - 04/13/15 08:38 PM Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers
johelp Offline

Registered: 04/11/15
Posts: 9

Late one night I was walking home and I walked past a porn store, and I was approached by a man who asked for a cigarette. I gave him one, and we started to talk. He showed me the gay porn he bought and asked if I liked it. I said yes. He asked if I want to fool around. I told him oral sex only, at my place, and he had to pay for it. He agreed, and we got in his car.

As we started to drive, I told him that we were going the wrong way. He said if we went to his place he would give me more alcohol to drink, and I agreed. We got to his place, and he handed me a drink. I tried it and told him it tasted funny. He said it was because I didn't have that type of drink before which was true. That one drink started to severely effect me. I had trouble thinking and in particular moving.

He saw this and dragged me to his bedroom. He pulled down my pants, threw me on the bed face down, and started to push my face into the bed while yelling threats of physical violence, sexual insults, and graphic descriptions of how he was going to rape me. He was pushing my face so hard into the bed, I couldn't breathe. I started to lose consciousness, but he stopped. He then repeated this several times. I thought he was going to kill me.

He then twisted my arm behind my back so hard I thought he was going to break it. I was pinned down and found myself with almost no ability to move. He then entered me from behind unlubricated and without a condom. The pain was indescribable. This seemed to last forever. He stopped and left the room. I tried to get up, but I could barely move. He came back onto the room and raped me again.

After he was done, he pulled me up, pulled on my pants, dragged me to the front door, and literally threw me out. I hit the concrete very hard face first. I was recovering from what I now know to be a drugged drink, but not well enough to walk. I was there for several minutes until he opened the door again and pulled me back into his apartment. He said if I was laying there, someone would see me and call the police. He called a cab, and when it came he dragged my to the cab, through me in, gave the cabbie money, and told him to bring me back to the porn store.

Once the cab got there I got out and stumbled badly for the two block walk to my apartment. I was bruised, bleeding, and still in an enormous amount of pain. I lay in my bed for what seemed to be a day or two without trying to get up.

I told no one that I was raped for over 16 years until I recently confided the experience to a friend. This is the first time I am giving a detailed account.

Edited by ModTeam (04/14/15 07:25 AM)
Edit Reason: Added trigger warning

#481343 - 04/27/15 12:20 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
honorableman Offline

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 50
Loc: United States
You are very brave to share your story because it helps others heal and will help you get better also!

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Drugged so you couldn't effectively defend yourself.

You did nothing wrong.

#481420 - 04/29/15 12:57 AM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
johelp Offline

Registered: 04/11/15
Posts: 9
Thanks honorableman

#481446 - 04/29/15 04:32 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
Nothing Man Offline

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1084
Loc: Ohio
I echo honorableman's post. Telling your truth is an act of courage. What happened to you was a choice that someone made, and you absolutely did not do anything to deserve it or ask for it. You are blameless.
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

#481449 - 04/29/15 04:43 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
Chase Eric Offline


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2392
Not your fault. At all.


#482633 - 05/21/15 09:43 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
honorableman Offline

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 50
Loc: United States
I echo Nothing Man. Someone else made that choice. You my friend, are blameless.

Aren't we all?

#493951 - 01/12/16 05:01 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
John E Offline

Registered: 01/07/16
Posts: 17
Loc: South East
It wasn't your fault. Good job disclosing. This will help you heal

#494519 - 01/26/16 03:33 AM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
Luckylarry1 Offline

Registered: 09/01/15
Posts: 12
Loc: Indiana and Florida
I am currently in the VA's PSTD trauma center, Ft. Thomas, KY. Very positive movement for me, butt damn there are yet very stong flash backs which troubles me. Has any one else had similar experiences? Is my recovery just wishful thinking?

#495125 - 02/07/16 05:17 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Long Island, NY

I echo everyone else... it wasn't your fault. But that won't explain the feelings of guilt, humiliation, helplessness and anger that you may also have as result.

It sounds as though you are blaming yourself. The blame game thing is easy to fall into. And sometimes it is a pit that's hard to climb out of.

I don't have the solution. I wish I did. But I can tell you this. You had no control over what happened at the time. But just because you didn't have control then, doesn't mean you don't have it now. You do have control. The experience made you a victim, but it didn't change the core of who you are. And that's what you have to capitalize on.

After I was raped - for the third time, at age 21 - (my story is below) I remember thinking, that now my life is shit. Nothing is worth it anymore. Nothing I do matters. Yet I couldn't have been further from the truth. My life is MINE. I had to realize that my rapists no longer had any control over me, and that the best thing I could do is live my life the best I knew how. So I tried random acts of kindness for other people. I tried beefing up my exercise regimen. I tried doing more for others. It was all hard at first, but it slowly worked.

I have come to the conclusion that rape is not primarily an act of sex. It is an act of VIOLENCE. And we are the unfortunate ones who have come across that in its worst form. Someone has the need to control, dominate, subjugate and humiliate. Sex is the weapon they used. Yeah, being the victim sucks, but if life is to improve then I have to take control. No son of a bitch raping bastard owns me. Not ever, and not you either.

Hope this helps. Rock on.


#495179 - 02/08/16 09:42 PM Re: Assaulted as an adult by another man---Triggers [Re: johelp]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1363
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Im really sorry this happened to you johelp.
very saddened by this. take good care of yourself!

These guys are amazing here; hope you can
trust guys here to be there for you when you
need support.


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