*************WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******************
Texas howdy, my fraternal Gay brothers.
I am in need of serious help with this issue. Iíve been a gay boy/man all of my life. My first real experience with another gay boy happened when we were in the same Catholic boys orphanage/Home.
We were both 10 years old & were together for 4 years. I would say that was our first experience about loving someone, unconditionally. What sweet, clean, unconditional & pure love was all about. We both hid our homosexuality as best as we could, given the circumstances. There were about 40 other boys there at the same time & the institution was run by a Catholic religious order of Brothers. The Xaverian Brothers.
After I left that place, I had to once again bury my homosexuality deep, as I was joining the Air Force on my 17th birthday way back in 1956. If you think it was bad after DADT was passed. Just think what would happen to you back in the 50ís on up. There was no way that I would ever give someone reason to suspect me. The consequences would have been severe to say the least.
So, I buried it deep way inside of myself, utilizing the techniques that the boy had learned in order to survive his emotional, mental, physical & sexual abuse as a young boy.
Very long story cut short, when I was assigned to Germany after my Vietnam tour. I had met a boy who was just like I was at his age, with the exception he wasnít sexually being abused. He was in a situation where neither his mom or his step-father paid much attention to him. He was shy & a loner as he wasnít from that area. He was like his mom & S-father refugees from Poland. His mom was an ethnic German & her family stayed put after WWII ended. That part of Germany was now part of Poland & the Communist block.
He was attending a German refugee boarding school with other foreign boys.
Up to this time in my life at 30 years of age & NEVER having any interest in females since my boyhood things were about to change. She knew I was standoffish to her, very shy & very uncomfortable around females.
I had an apartment on the economy not far from the Imbis & she came over one evening and gave me sex, she did it quite often & I managed to get her pregnant. Abortion was out of the question. I could have just got on an airplane on my scheduled rotation date, and forget all about them. But, no way, I was going to stay and take my obligation for my actions. I put in papers for permission to get married after her divorce was final.
Meanwhile my son was born, so here I am a queer guy with two boys one 11 & the other just born, and soon to become a married man to raise those boys. She & I got married in April of Ď73. Both her & her son got green cards. My biological son was an American citizen born abroad. Well we both raised them. But between me & my wife there was no bonding of any sort be it emotionally, mentally, physically & even sexually. None-Zero.
This gay boy had learned from his ďmomĒ to hate & fear all females & I did for most of my life.
But, she had some sort of an idea that something was wrong with me & couldnít figure it out.
She had seen where I had tons of emotions & love for my boys. Always telling them that I love them & giving them hugs. While she got nothing like that in return for her love of me.
She would find out in a T session in October of í08, where she was invited to attend & she was devastated.
Why didnít you tell me this before we got married? Hell I didnít even remember back then. You married me under false pretences, etc.
I was in living hell back then, couldnít eat, sleep, cry or concentrate. I didnít want anyone to see me like that. I stayed in the dark as much as I could.
But when my grandsons came to see me, I had a calm & serene feeling with them. But when they left, I was in living hell all over again.
I told my wife that Iím going to leave her & Germany forever. I needed all the resources available that I could use in therapy, and they are in the USA.
On the 28th of February Ď09, with my young grandsons with me, I took them home and I wouldnít be back as I was leaving Germany on the 3rd of march Ď09.
I just walked out the door to our apartment, she was standing in the doorway and I just walked out of her life, no hug, no kiss, no thanks, no tears. ZERO-NO emotions of any kind.
Then she said to me so ďyou want to leave me & go marry a man.Ē
After much soul searching after my first WoR at Dahlonega, Ga. In May of Ď09, I set out to attend the advanced WoR at Alta, Utah later that year.
I was going to officially come out of the closet at the WoR. I sure did & ate all my meals there with my new found brothers, where they welcomed me home with compassion, understanding & love.
But, I put that issue on the back burner as I wanted to come to terms with my ďmom.Ē She was still running my life & sheís been dead for years.
Ralph, long since dead, my male perp, whom this young boy fell in genuine love with at 8 years old & we were together off and on for 6 years. He was still pretty much a huge part of me, and I found a way to put him in the proper place in my life. Anytime that I was having sex with my wife, it wasnít between her & me in all reality. It was between me & Ralph in my fantasy world.
So, here I am ready to deal with my late coming out of the closet issues. I came across an article in face book about the unique challenges of coming out gay later in life. It transferred to the published article in the Huffington Post. And all it did was to list the nine problem/challenging areas & they are,
1. Married & gay.
3. Lost youth.
4. Family acceptance. (Iíve already received that.)
5. The in-laws. (They are all dead.)
6. Youth vs. truth.
7. Too much baggage. (Mental health due to CSA.)
8. Too late for training wheels.
9. Iíll never find love.
There was just a short blurb about the challenge & nothing more. No guide books referenced & nowhere to get help.
To read the article hereís the link. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0614/coming-out-gay-late-in-life_n_5493.html.
Now back to me, Iím soon to be 76 years old, which I consider just a number. I feel many years younger. I refuse to be an old man. I keep myself that 10-14 year old boy in that Catholic orphanage/Home with my gay brother there.
The help Iím looking for is from other fraternal gay guys who were/are in the same position & how they worked through these challenges either personally or if you can give me some info on reference material, guide books, etc.
My biggest stumbling block is that Iím still very shy, and learning social skills.
I donít mean whatís below to be a lonely hearts club. Thatís not what I/us are here for. Itís just a matter of reference.
Iíve thought about going to gay bars to try and find someone, but Iím a recovering alcoholic & everyone including my T tells me donít do it.
Iíve gone to Starbucks as a guy told me thatís where the non bar guys go to socialize. Havenít met one yet.
And naturally into those gay dating sites, which are a big waste of time & money.
My T has given me an assignment to travel down to Austin, TX (about 100mls away). There is a fairly large gay section of town, coffee houses & restaurants. There is an office for GLBT people. Iím supposed to go there during a week day & look around. See if I can fit in with my comfort level.
Iím sure there isnít a huge demand for recently out of the closet gay guy whoís almost 76.
I hope to accomplish my assignment within the next two weeks.
Once again my fraternal gay brothers any & all help would be appreciated.
If you would rather reply in a PM thatís OK with me.
Wishing you all well in healing & life.
ďI will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity,Ē As he is me.