OMG, thanks guys! I began to feel that I was the only man who had these struggles.
Upon the cusp of blowing my third marriage I sought out help...for what I had no conscious idea, but somehow it had something to do with my 3 tours of helicopter duty in Vietnam. My first counselor from VA hadn't a clue of what I was trying to discover about myself and my abnormal anger and outrage against anyone who I couldn't control. Once I mutter the words of MST (military sexual trauma) I was referred to an "outside" counselor as I must have latent homosexual fantacies. Fuck!
I did get my VA ID as I was a "boots on the ground" vet. About a year later I called an outpost VA treatment center, and I was hooked up with another counselor at an outpost center.
In dealing with her for one year or so, and I completed every assignment that she gave me, finally I could tell her that I had been raped by an officer. Finally I could let that cat out of the bag.
I continued to work with her weekly for another 6 months. She identified my extreme PTSD for MST and recommended me to the Ft Thomas KY trauma center. She was a vet and I suspect had a similar experience.
The Trauma Center had an excellent program called CPT (cognitive process training). I graduated from that program, and not even close to being "good", but I now have some tools to deal with my flask-backs and night terrors of being raped aboard ship in the Gulf of Tonkin.
My wife is beginning that I do have some issues about how I identify myself and where I have been.
Gramps, I am 67 yrs. old and have masked myself for 48 years, two blown marriages, inability to work closely with men, angry at any authority figure, great financial losses and real concerns if I was weird, latently homosexual, just friggin nuts or whatever.
I tell you this as my offering that there is help our there, if you can find it....sure ain't easy.
I now long for similar male dialog about this unique, but common issue.