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#47774 - 04/09/04 01:34 AM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Marc the feelings are normal believe me.

The urge to murder is actually a good sign because you are directing the anger where it belongs.

Flashbacks. I have suggested to others that they get a really strong big elastic band and wrap it around your wrist and everytime you feel one coming on give it a good yank so it whacks your wrist.

Feeling you have lost something and are in mourning. You lost your innocence my brother and your grieve its loss. You must remember you were younger then and not in control. You are in control now and what you will do is accept the fact but change the emotions around it.

It is not easy and it requires a lot of work but you have the courage. And you are not alone in your feelings believe me. Stick with us OK.



#47775 - 04/09/04 02:21 AM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan

The answer to the big question is Yes. You can triumph over this shit. You can take control over you life and your reactions. You have already started in the right direction. Keep it up.

Answers to your three questions:
1. Yeap, normal. You can still piss on his grave.
2. Oh yes, normal. The stories of SA get me going.
3. Another yes, normal. Mourning is a stage of the healing process, right after acknowledging it happened.

I had a discussion with this terrible T (there are a few bad ones, but plenty of good ones, you just need to do some shopping around and not give up) and he kept calling it 'molested' and I kept arguing it was abuse and assult. After months of this and he finally heard a bit of my story he said, "oh, that was rape." What a jacka$$ he was.

Get the help that you need to get through this, there is another side. Find the support you need (you already found these good guys here). And above all, take care of yourself.

Take care,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#47776 - 04/09/04 02:36 AM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Yes, it is all normal. Those, and a lot more.
Like everybody has said, you are not alone here, that includes what you are feeling.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#47777 - 04/09/04 06:14 AM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
Thomas Offline

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise

You have named the crime for what it is: RAPE. All sorts of euphemisms are used for it: molestation, child sexual abuse, and in my case, incest. But the truth is that it was RAPE.

I only began remembering my rape a year ago. And I've only really started coming out of the numbness and disbelief into anger in the last month. So I really don't have much personal experience in this. But my new therapist - I've been extraordinarily fortunate to recently get into a program that specializes in treating the survivors of sexual and physical abuse, male and female - has told me that the anger I feel, the murderous rage is perfectly normal and understandable. My part is to simply let it come and go, not to try to stifle it. She reminded me that my rapist robbed me of my innocence and thereby of quite a bit more all through my life. I need to grieve the losses. The next step after denial and breaking through that denial is guess what? Anger. So yeah, the murderous rage is normal. I want to emphasize the murderous part. My rapist has been dead for 36 years next month. He did not die a very pretty death - leukemia. I still think he got off too easy. Not a very "Christian" attitude, but at least I own it for my very own attitude. I will not hide the fact that I hate and wish very often that I could kill my own grandfather. Nor will I beat myself up for having those feelings.

Oops \:o ! I guess I would say that your feelings are very normal. You were robbed. You did suffer a loss, and you need to mourn that loss. By the way, happy families and other children being abused trigger me very badly, too.

Hope I said something you can use.


To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

#47778 - 04/09/04 12:43 PM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

First of all, thank you for your kind words yesterday, particularly since you weren't doing so well yourself. They got me through a rough time and I appreciate them, and you. \:\)

Secondly, your feelings are ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. You are in mourning for what was taken from you, you're realizing just how much the @$$hole hurt you and you are ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIED with your rage.

Your abuser is dead. That's regretable for a number of reason I don't have to tell you about. But there is still a way of confronting him that I got from "The Courage To Heal" workbook that I'm going to try myself. Get yourself an empty chair and imagine putting the monster in it. Then tell him everything. Tell him how angry you are and how much you hate what he did. Tell him how much he's affected your life and how you feel about that. Just plain deal with him. I think it'll be very therapeutic for you.

Remember Marc, you are truly NOT ALONE in this. Sadly, there are more people like us than we can imagine. These things, well, they do happen more than society cares to admit, but Marc, WE ARE TAKING BACK OUR LIVES and we can be the persons the monsters can NEVER be. You already are. You're a fine man, Marc, and you DIDN'T let what happen break you.

You're living with what happened. Not dying, LIVING! You've already made the most important choice of all.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#47779 - 04/09/04 05:28 PM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

Your feelings are a normal part of the healing. I've felt them all and they still come and go but have lost a lot of their intensity. If it would make you feel better about yourself go piss on his grave. In my case I don't even want to give him that. Early on before I really started dealing with healing I would see an older boy and a younger boy walking innocently down a street and I would get so upset. It was obvious to me that the older boy was molesting the younger one. It was a very public reporting of CSA of a boy that finally got me talking to a therapist. And finally yes, we are all mourning the loss of our innocense, our childhoods, a precious part of our existence.

Your feeling are not unusual, they are normal. It does get better. I know.


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#47780 - 04/09/04 06:55 PM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
Rod Offline

Registered: 03/19/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Salt Lake City

1. My abuser has been dead for at least 30 years. But I wish he was alive so I could kill him myself!
I agree. You're no different from me here.


2. My flashbacks seem to be triggered when I see and/or read about happy families or when I hear of the abuse of another child.
Again... not much different from me.


3. I feel that I have lost so much as a result of what happened that I feel like I am in mourning.
Me too.

but I really feel like a Dead Man Walking.
It doesn't sound corny to me. I think the full emotional meaning came across VERY well.

#47781 - 04/09/04 10:32 PM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
yes, all those feelings seem normal to me as well - I can't disagree with anything these guys have already said.

On the last point, about feeling as though you're mourning, this is something that I was talking about last week to a therapist where I work ( I'm training to become a counsellor ) and she said that bereavement counselling and dealing with Survivors who are grieving over their lost childhoods and opportunities as adults is basically the same thing.

So, you aren't alone Marc. We've all felt this - or still feel it. But don't let that make you feel that you're just the same as everyone else and that makes your problems unimportant.
They are important, and although on the surface they are the same experiences as many of us go through, YOU are an individual and those problems and feelings are YOURS.
But you can get some great support and help from the rest of us.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#47782 - 04/10/04 12:37 AM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Marc - you are here...there is hope!

1/ Your abuser is dead...mine is still walking around, but he has nothing. He is no longer in a position to abuse - he is the living dead! I hope your perp died as an 'irrelevant *******' also.
2/ Happy families / children - I often wonder where my wife & children are (never had them in reality)- at my lowest ebb, I used to see a baby crawling across my living room floor...strangley about 8 months later, my niece was born & when she started crawling, she was the spit of the image!
3/Mourning - Oh yes...perpetually. Buy a bottle of wine & have a wake (sometimes takes several attempts to make real progress). It's natural to mourn for what might have been - it's better to look ahead and live (this takes real effort, but believe me it's worth it).

Rik... lost September 1969 - reborn 18/12/03!

Best wishes.

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#47783 - 04/10/04 12:48 AM Re: Even more afraid and three questions.
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Marc, here is a link to a few ideas about flashbakcs:

I also suggest that you type PTSD in a search engine and you will find some find links, the best I have found is:

but there are many others. We link to some of these sites from our links pages in the Adult Malesurvivor resources page.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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