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#4766 - 04/13/03 03:18 AM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Ron_dup1 Offline

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so glad that you came here. I am the one who refered you here from the Yahoo Group, remember that... Anyway I knew from our brief interaction there that you would find the support you needed here! I have been following your posts and I am amazed at your strength and courage! It took me months to even post ANYTHING, and then it was a simple reply to another post. I am sooooo glad you are here and I find hope in your strength and courage to heal.
Hope you are no longer feeling "stupid" about posting your story! You should feel powerful at least that is how I feel about you after reading your post.

#4767 - 04/13/03 06:29 AM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Sick Puppy Offline

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I can't stop thinking about this tonight... \:\(

I remember that I would cry myself to sleep as quiet as I could so I wouldn't get laughed at or beat up for crying... but after a while there were no more tears. I went numb...

I remember when I visted with my family or friends I could not feel or respond to what they said to me...

I remember being surrounded by people all the time but feeling like I was so alone, in a little bubble...

I remember that I would be raped and then I would go and sit on the toilet and let the blood drip into it...

I remember that my senses sort of shut off... nothing tasted like anything anymore, nothing smelled like anything... all I could really do was hear and see, but half the time I was just hearing or seeing into my own head...

I remember that sometimes I was suprised my hands were my own...

I remember that I only started seeing colors again when I got let out and I sat down in the grass at my uncle's house...

I remember that despite the black and white I will always hate the color orange...

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

#4768 - 04/13/03 08:40 AM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Dear SP,
Know that while you "keep thinking," there are those of us out here that have you in our minds--and----- hearts. We may not respond to you because for the moment we don't know how, or we feel inadequate to give you the love and understanding that you need. Some of the brothers here are indeed gifted as I've read how they have responded to you. But there are those of us who just can't think of the right words--the right phrases, to comfort and encourage you. Please know that while we may not show up here to give you oursevles, we are just behind the page, over here, standing on the sidelines waiting for just the right moment to relieve you of some of your burden.
So, for this group, of the more silent, please accept our love as you work through your jungle. We are here, we do hear you.........
Your more timid brothers of MS.

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#4769 - 04/13/03 01:04 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Yes Ivanhoe, I too stand by the side offering silent support for SP and all the men (and friends) here in great pain.

SP, your remembrances strike me as disociating the trauma you've experienced. It's a good thing in a way when it happens. Our brains do this to allow us to survive unbearable pain. In a way, it's kind of cool how the brain does this self protective thing. It's a perfectly normal response to the horrors of the abuses when they occurred. You're not f*$#ed up, what happened to you is whats F$%^&ed up.

The deeper I get into my work with my T, it seems the more I'm discociating when doing the intensive EMDR with him. The emotional pain I experience now at times is beyond words. The body memories when they happen are getting really strange.

As I understand it, one of the steps toward healing all this trauma crap is to in a sense feel the feelings that got suppressed. Our brains recorded everything that happened, some or all of the feelings get hidden away, but not forgotten. I have to re-feel the feelings now, consciencely and better able to cope with them, in order to let them go. They need to be felt, for the first time, in all their techno-color "spendor". They'll never be forgotten, but maybe they'll receed to my past where they belong. Something that happened to me but no longer rules my life.

Does this make any sense?


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