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#476771 - 02/07/15 08:03 PM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 319
Loc: Virginia
SmartShadow and gentlemen,

This will probably sound really weird, but I'm actually coming to understand that meltdowns and such are a good thing. Like practically everyone on this thread, I could have earned an Academy Award for Best Child Actor In A Continuing Nightmare.

I too had to split myself off into lots of pieces to survive, and that translates today into someone who's 50 and still completely unable to process anger, just for starters. (And the list goes on, and on, and on....)

My point is, I could live to 100 and still be in an insulated little shell where I don't really FEEL anything, except depression, pain and other negatives. When I have a meltdown and the poison comes spewing out, I can work on it. Otherwise, it just stays down there, hidden and out of reach.

Given the choice, I'd much, MUCH rather have it come spewing out in all its pain rather than continuing to pretend it all away. "Reconciliation," "reconnection," or whatever you like to call it can't happen when I'm numb on the surface and it's all buried. I dunno, that's my take on it. Thanks for starting the thread.


#476784 - 02/08/15 10:36 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
Serious Dave Offline

Registered: 01/18/15
Posts: 122
Loc: OH
SmartShadow, Guys,

Thanks for an interesting thread. It made me think more deeply about my own internal chaos, which I seldom acknowledged; I just tamped it down a little deeper each time it tried to surface. (My inner child's head is probably flat on top.)

I was kept so busy with hyper-responsibility and compulsive caretaking of my wife (and anyone else who would let me) over the years that I never stopped to examine what was on the inside of me. Any peaceful moments I filled with television, politics, academics and housework; anything but the time (and silence) to think. I believe I assumed that how I felt was just my lot in life - my cross to bear. Maybe, because I hated myself, I believed I deserved to be miserable, and by avoiding the silence I made sure I stayed miserable.

Plus, my wife has been at war with her family for 25 years because she revealed CSA done to her by her uncle. EVERYONE in her family turned against her and our marriage was the stage on which all this chaos played out.

What changed is that my wife went to stay with her mother about 5 months ago to recover from a hospitalization.
Until that happened, I never realized how much my internal chaos was exacerbated but also covered up and held in place by the constant external chaos in my life. Living by myself has nearly eliminated that external stuff. For 5 months I have chosen to sit in silence, a silence I haven't heard since I lived like a hermit as a child at home.

I would not have come to the realization of my own CSA were it not for that silence. I think emotions (crying) can surface more now because the lid of external chaos has been lifted. When I sit alone, I feel alone - very alone - friendless, abandoned, pitiful, unwanted. I think that devastating aloneness is often the reason I start crying.

Thank you all. I think this has been a mini-breakthrough for me in learning how to access my emotions; sorrow, at least.

Bless you, and I wish you all good things!

An eight year old boy named Dave
laid 45 years in his grave.
But, he dug his way out,
and he now has no doubt
that the rest of his life he can save.

#476805 - 02/08/15 04:49 PM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
Bardo Offline

Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 321
I could have written your post about my life, except the part about getting the mini-breakthrough. I have cemented my pain so deeply inside me that I am completely unable to access it. You make me realize that I may yet be able to get to that poor 11 year old who is alone, afraid and abandoned. At least I will keep trying.
Peace to all of you in your journeys!

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler

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