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#476549 - 02/03/15 08:51 PM Making Progress / Feeling Worse
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 406
I know I am not alone in what I am writing about today. But I just need an outlet and a chance to vent. I have a difiacult time staying conected to anyone including folks on this site but I have come to think that I know some of you in small ways through past interaction and common struggles. So thanks for that and for the many of you who make malesurvivor.org a functional place to conect.


I have been in therapy on and off for years and keep finding that I have more and more issues to look at and work through. I have intensified my therapy during the last year or so and the thing is, things are geting slowly better and my life is more stable, yet I am constantly living in a state of internal chaos. Like so many of you, I have learned to live with internal chaos and have many external workarounds to apear to function reasonably well to others. So much so my wife is constantly overestimating my ability and sees me at times as a bit of a slacker. Do you know what it's like to appear fine and at the same time being on an emotional roller coster through hell? Well I supose I have been on that roller coster for a long time now and I am tuning in to that reality more and more and for longer periods at at time. Consequently I am feeling more and more of what I have tuned out. Hence the subject line. I am counting on a pont hopefully soon where I have more and more capasity for the pain and the yet to be relived memories.

May we all get a chance to tell our story.

Mike
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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#476552 - 02/03/15 10:23 PM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 406
Truth is I am extreamly fragmented and it's hard for me to know what end is up most of the time.
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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#476555 - 02/03/15 11:25 PM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
Bardo Offline


Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 321
I hear you SS. Although new to this game, I am experiencing the same things you describe. I have always been very productive, so it is hard to want, to need, to shut down when things get to a certain point. So I put up a mask of competence and seem to carry on, while inside I am in utter chaos. I do believe that we will land on our feet, but that there is further to go on this journey. I wish you peace as you go.

Freeman
_________________________
Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler

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#476558 - 02/04/15 12:11 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3749
I think we are all fragmented in some way. The abuse leaves us fragmented--part of us living in denial, part of us living with the abuse. It is a constant battle that we deal with daily. After many years it seems natural to us, but we cannot tell. Until one day the part of us living with the abuse can no longer take it, it pushes its way into the forefront of our lives. Havoc wreaks and we scrabble. For many of us it pushes us to admit the past but we are still fragmented. Part of us still remains in denial, we wish or try to pretend it did not happen. To unit these parts of us takes great pain and work. The body and mind are not in harmony. I fought this for so long, I was a mess, I was dissociating all over the place to cope with the pain and so many triggers. I have moved forward and bringing the parts together. But there are days I struggle and getting myself centered can be difficult. But I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. I know I will continue to heal and bring the parts of me together and out of the chaos the abuse had left me with.

I know what you are feeling, the stop gap measures of living around the chaos soon fail. I wish there was an easy way out, a quick fix solution. But sadly there is much pain involved, letting the poison out that so divided us internally. We struggle with the reactions of others and relish those that support us. Letting it at and learning to look at yourself differently, not the abused child but the survivor.

I know in time the sense of being fragmented will slowly dissipate but honestly I cannot say 100%. Keep sharing, venting and healing.

Kevin

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#476560 - 02/04/15 01:34 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi SmartShadow,

I've been consciously working on myself since age 20, and am now 65. And, it has taken every single one of my efforts to get me where I am today. I'm still pretty sick, but am learning the benefits of looking at the journey instead of a destination. Looking for a destination, for me, actually hinders learning. It sets in motion a cycle of expectations and dashed hopes. Letting go of a destination allows me to develop generic tools that apply to any situation, and I become more adept in the growing/healing/learning process.

Sending you love and good will,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#476563 - 02/04/15 02:02 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 406
Freeman, Kevin, Don, Thanks for the words of truth and encouragement. I can't spend the time now that I would like to respond but I will try to get back to this tomorrow some time. Means a lot to me.

Mike aka Smart Shadow


Edited by SmartShadow (02/10/15 04:57 PM)
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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#476564 - 02/04/15 02:04 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
Speaking from my experience, there are times when it does get better overall. Started on all this in '94, but other than some speedbumps here and there, things are much better now.

Primarily have to watch my own inclination to take up too much activity - can get to be another means fo avoiding my feelings if I let it. But, day to day, it si so much better now than it was for nearly an entire decade long before early in this MS from CSA recovery.

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#476574 - 02/04/15 07:01 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4199
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i look at it like going to the dentist - it doesn't feel good at the time, and often you are in pain for some time afterwards - but you know it is for your own good and eventually you will feel better and be better off.

lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#476591 - 02/04/15 08:25 PM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1108
Loc: Ohio
Mike, I felt much more fragmented when I was drinking and not dealing with the abuse. My life was truly out of control. It only looked "normal" because I put that face forward to the rest of the world when in fact I was terrified and felt like there was no foundation in my life.

Getting sober ten years ago was the best first step I could have taken, and then starting with my therapist 18 months ago was a great second step.

But I agree with you. I have felt fragmented and broken all my life -- and to a very large extent I still do. I agree with Don, however; the road to recovery is not so much a destination as a process.
_________________________
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

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#476617 - 02/05/15 05:05 AM Re: Making Progress / Feeling Worse [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 406
Thanks again for all for the input. It help to have this reflected back through your eyes. I am trying to keep a positive perspective. Mostly I just want to get on the other side of all of this. I keep looking at how far I have come. I have to deal with the ongoing reality of not being able to get back in touch with my own thinking. I lose it all gone gone gone. I leave elaborate notes and planing diagrams to recalibrate to. After a few days with out the notes it's questionable if I ever get back there. I have a life of learning the same thing over and over again. Or coming up with the same idea for the twentieth time. I have hundreds of half started projects. I was doing ok for about six months. Now I have the highly reliable systems I put in place to find out where I have been if I am in the mind to look. So all this to say I make progress in therapy. Then I miss a week or have somthing major I need to focus on at the expence of everything ells and I have to start over. It seams to be getting worse. Well enough of that. This is not a new problem for me. I think I experienced unknown trauma at a young age and split. On going trama and subsequent csa, more splitting, well I don't know some time if I can get out of this trap. At least I have a good T who seams to know all the ins and outs of my issues.


Edited by SmartShadow (02/05/15 04:09 PM)
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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