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#478677 - 03/09/15 01:19 PM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
The hardest part of being mindful is when I am retraumatized when someone says or does something hurtful it is so hard to stay present so hard to breathe. But just realizing this is mindful in some way. Right now I feel lost at sea. I am tiered from the pain I feel this way in this moment.
Bluesky
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#478785 - 03/10/15 06:43 PM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 86
Loc: Michigan
I learned something today about being mindful/present.......when I am acting out, I am not mindful......if I was, I would see that I am just doing what was imprinted in me at a young age, would be sickened by it, and not do it.....anyone know if my thinking might be correct on that? (I think that I temporarily lose my mind when doing it, and then feel the guilt and self hate after, when I am present again.)
_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

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#478803 - 03/11/15 12:13 AM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: happybuddha1]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 514
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: happybuddha1
I learned something today about being mindful/present.......when I am acting out, I am not mindful......if I was, I would see that I am just doing what was imprinted in me at a young age, would be sickened by it, and not do it.....anyone know if my thinking might be correct on that? (I think that I temporarily lose my mind when doing it, and then feel the guilt and self hate after, when I am present again.)


Wasn't that easy for me, I found at first I had to be mindful into the process of acting out a few times to get a handle on how to choose other behaviors when I was rolling down that trajectory.

But, mindfulness was not my primary practice, so maybe that direct distinction will work for someone when it is. For me, it was a tool, but I needed others as well (such as an exit plan when I found myself at a certain point, in an acting out setting, for example).

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#479036 - 03/15/15 08:42 AM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
Bardo Offline


Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 321
My only form of acting out has been porn. I find that when I am there, I am not here, and that is the whole point I guess. To be somewhere else. Where that someplace else is will vary from person to person I suppose. For me it is to a place of innocent exploration and sexual intimacy. To be present can sometimes be unbearable. I hope to change that in time. Like they say, there is no time like the present!
_________________________
Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler

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#479446 - 03/20/15 12:42 PM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
Bardo
The fear of pain body or mind can paralyze us and we will try to escape that by any means. Like when we act out with porn or otherwise. But we can realize that fear is more painful than what we may find inside in the stillness of a moment of self compassion and self love. It is a journey, that's all I keep in mind,I try to keep that as my goal instead of what I think is failure.
Bluesky
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#480957 - 04/18/15 09:23 PM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs. But it has been I think the first time that I have been able to be as mindful and as present as I cou be. Coming back to my breath when all seemes so lost. Breathing in I know I am breathing in. Breathing out I know I am breathing out. So simple yet so profound. The breaths are like building blocks of awareness in a emotional storm of confusion and hurt. The worst part of my day is the morning I wake in confusion and fear. Anger is the next risiing wave. Many times I awake from a nightmare or just feel completely empty. But now if I reach out with my breath I find solid ground, firmament to start the process of beginning a new day. I am greatful for this it has brought me comfort in the dark.
Bluesky
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#480976 - 04/19/15 12:30 PM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
Bardo Offline


Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 321
Bluesky,
I could not agree more. Lately I have been waking up with fear in the night, sometimes after a dream I can't remember. Returning to my breath and the present moment, and remembering that each breath is a step on my journey, helps me regain my composure. I meditate first thing in the morning, and that helps me set the tone for the day. Sometimes it works well sometimes it doesn't, but mostly it does. I am in a part of my journey where there is still more to be revealed. Maybe not more abuse, but possibly more about the impacts of the abuse on my life. It is not certain what is being revealed, but something clearly is. One breath at a time.

Freeman
_________________________
Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler

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#481469 - 04/29/15 09:59 PM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
Thanks Freeman for sharing that as you know I seem to be at the same junction and I am committed to one breathe at a time as you know but the pause in between is the killer. LOL Just made a mindful joke.
Bluesky.
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#481627 - 05/03/15 03:56 AM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6418
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
today my mind is too full to be mindful.
my memory got lost so i must be remindful.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#481811 - 05/06/15 04:15 AM Re: Every Day Mindfulness [Re: bluesky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6418
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
mindful of the wonderful decent persons my children have become.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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