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#4731 - 08/27/01 12:56 PM learning to enjoy life

I read an old post from a few weeks back where one of the guys was asking for the 3 most important things we did to learn to enjoy life and then the 3 most important things that happened and helped inspire us to enjoy life. There weren;t alot of answers but I think it's a good question so I posted itagain. I have to think about it and then I want to post an answer, too. I thinik it;s an important topic that can help alot of guys. Manchild posted it at the beginning of August if you want to read it.

[ August 27, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]

#4732 - 08/28/01 01:25 PM Re: learning to enjoy life
thunderbolt Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
ive often thought about my reply, its come to a point that i feel that a diffenent anserw is only for the moment as i ponder my reply it seems that i might have lied or not told the truth, maybe trying to fool people, that thought of injoying and pleasure is blank, the audiable words tear at my heartand i freeze back into the blackness...

#4733 - 08/28/01 05:44 PM Re: learning to enjoy life
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Big Bear, I ask my therapist this all the time because I want to have fun again too! This seems to be the hardest thing to do. He always tells me to have fun but not how and then asks me the following week if I had any fun and I alway say no except for the sex that I had. He told me that I have 3 parts: the father and husband, the biker and the little boy. Well the little boy showed up 12 months ago and having fun became very limited. This is when the flashbacks started and the fun stopped. It is hard to have fun with RTS or PTSD or DD's. The therapist got happy as shit when I told him that I had fun with the fisting but that is becoming boring and not looked forward to with the excitement that it used to, now it is sometimes seen as fear like when I was a kid knowing that I was going to be raped. Now losing the only thing that was really fun pisses me off big time and there is no one for me to beat up except myself! It seems hopless to have any fun anymore...I grossed my therapist out for this to the point where he held his hands up to surender. Told me to get back into flying small aircraft...FUCK!!!! I know the guy the owned the plane that that nut tried to fly into the white house...would that be fun..I guess for a minite or two before I got wasted! I thought of the fun it would be to wast my abusers and getting away with it but I really don't feel like killing anyone. There must be something in comon that most Male SA Survivors would have fun doing...WHAT ???????????????????


#4734 - 08/31/01 03:10 PM Re: learning to enjoy life

How bout building self esteem. Most of the guys here don;t feel very good about them selves. How did we build self esteem? I know try to do things I know I;m good at and can finish so then I feel good about myself for a little while. That takes my mind off the abuse for a while too. Even if I don;t really want to do something sometimes I try to make myself do it and then I get caught up in it and want to do a good job and then I;m happy that I did it.

#4735 - 09/03/01 02:55 PM Re: learning to enjoy life

I bought a do it yourself fountain and put it in Kimmie's garden the other day. I felt good doing it because I knew I could do it and would have something to show for it when I was done and I knew it would please her.

I know alot of my posts focus on Kimmie but there are lots of reasons why. One of them is this and I think it;s important for all of the guys here that are married or have girlfriends they care about. I was talking to my shrink once and I was saying again that Kimmie was too good for me and she deserved better. I said that lots of times but this one time my shrink kept at it. He asked why i said she deserved better, couldn;t she decide that for herself? He said that my saying that was like saying she couldn;t decide for herself. He asked couldn;t she think for herself and why she;d want me if she deserved better. It;s not that she;s stupid or crazy, she;s real smart and went to college. Its not that she had to stay with me because she needed the money, she has a good job and could make it on her own. We went over all this and my shrink asked me again why Kimmie stayed with me all these years and was still trying to work with me for awhile after I started acting out. I finally had to admit its because she loved me.

We went over all the great thngs about Kimmie and when we were done I felt really good that this great woman had chose to spend her life with me. My shrink also said I should look over old pictures and i did. I started with the wedding pictures and saw the way she was looking at me in those pictures. I looked at lots of pictuers before and after the kids were born. I started to remember the life we had together and thought about that she chose ME to share it with her, that there must be something special about me too if she chose me out of all the guys out there. I looked at all the pictures from Christmas and Easter and vacations and with the kids and school events and started to remember that Kimmie and i were like one, we worked together, she chose to do all this with ME of all the people in the world, and I started to feel a little bit better about myself.

With the kids things started to get hectic at home, driving them places and stuff. i use to complain that our life had got too routine. Still there were things that Kimmie always did for me that I kind of ignored. She always would make suppers that she knew i liked even if wasn;t something that she liked all that much. My favorite cake is black forest cake and she would make that for my birthday and special ocasions because she knew I liked it. I think back and can see now that she did all these things because she loved me but I took them for granted especially when I started thinking too much about the abuse. When i was remembering the abuse I felt real crappy about myself but I had this great lady there doing all these things for me, that should of made me feel better about myself rememgbering that she was always there for me, but I pushed her away.

There are all these guys here that say that they;re not with their wives anymore and that their wives deserve better but working with your wife can make you feel beter about yourself, there;s a reason why she married you and stayed with you through the tough times everyone deals with. That was one of my turning points that made me start to feel better about myself.

#4736 - 09/04/01 12:33 AM Re: learning to enjoy life


I enjoyed reading your post (above) because you have made reference to an important point. Competence is the one thing known to directly affect positive self worth. Consequently, when we do something for ourselves or another, or when we attempt something and we're successful with it, we feel better about ourselves. Why? Because we know for ourselves - all the way down to our toes - that we were successful. We don't need to rely on others' perceptions or approval. And, of course, for those of us who are survivors of SA, we can't really fully trust another, so we have to find ways in which we can be competent....

My hypothesis is that many of us who are survivors of childhood SA have developed wonderful skills and abilities and are guilty of overachieving and even being workaholics. After all, these are things that we can control, and, at least, for me, being in control get me through the day.

Dynamite Don

#4737 - 09/04/01 09:30 AM Re: learning to enjoy life

Thanks Don. I put this fountain in for Kimmie because I knew I could do it and she;d like it. Also it makes me feel good because I saw her on a date with another guy a few weeks ago (I posted about that, it sucked). The guy was a doctor, probably never did any kind of labor, would hire someone to put in the fountain, but I got the whole thing in by myself in one day. I doubt this guy with the soft hands could of done it. that;s another reason I felt good about it, but mostly because I knew I could do it and she;d like it. I want to put some plants in around it for her this week too. I know it;ll look real nice when I;m done and that will make her happy.

The shrinks always talk ab out having to make ourselves happy first. But what;s wrong with being happy with yourself because you help to make a loved one happy? There;s nothing wrong with that. One of the things that got me feelinig better about myself was thinking about how my wife loved me, why she loved me, why she chose me of all people. I figured there;s gotta be something good about me. What;s wrong with involving our wives in this process and having htem help us. Our lives are so wrapped up with each others, I shared a life with her, nobody knew me better.

#4738 - 09/04/01 05:12 PM Re: learning to enjoy life
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I think part of the reason that you're able to do these things for Kimmie is BECAUSE you love yourself. You know, deep down, that you are worthy of her love, so you are expressing it in the most personal way you can. If you didn't feel that way, you would have given up on her by now.

I dunno about needing to "be happy" before you do things for others. There's a difference between "being happy" and "being loved." I can feel shitty, and feel loved by my friends and family. The love just helps me get through my shit.

As shitty as the last few weeks may have been for you BB, it sounds like you are doing just what this topic says: "learning to enjoy life."

Has Kimmie seen your work yet? Let us know how it goes!

We're in this together

We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#4739 - 09/07/01 08:15 AM Re: learning to enjoy life

That;s even more to think about. I know I felt crappy doing what I did to try to deal with the abuse but now I know I wasn;t really dealinig with it by sleeping around. I think I started to feel better about myself when I stopped doing that, I saw that wasn;t what I wanted my life to be, I didn;t like where I was going. At least I didn;t have to deal with that anymore, I could stop being ashamed of what I was doing. It;s funny that we;re all ashamed of the SA and so many of us do more things to be ashamed of, that just makes it all worse. I don;t know where I;m going with this. No feedback yet on the fountain, I;ll let you know.

Thanks for all the support. You;re good friends.


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