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#472116 - 11/03/14 03:39 PM i am so tired
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2203
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I am going thru heavy stuff.
I think I have to accept being gay. It is so fucking hard.
I have a low self-esteem. I have a great personality and
I have some other good stuff but I have a hard time letting
And I don't know if I trust a guy to touch me.
This is so frustrating. And I am angry that I am 40 but
feel much younger.
The forgiving is so screwed up. All my dad needed to do
is scare the shit out of me so I couldn't speak.
I called him up last week calling him a piece of shit and
much more.
My mom calls me back and I am guessing he was very emotional
about it. He has this disgusting mentality like I owe him.
My life and so much more. I have been regressed to birth
because of this mental shit!
I had no idea how hard this self love can be . I have
anger so near the surface. I always wish I had a buddy
here in Winnipeg , but I don't and to find someone who can
relate and to listen, trust me, BELIEVE so crucial.
My self-esteem was supposed to be there. I never had him.
He made shit up about his mom and dad. He hates my mom
or he helps his brother and sister-in-law.
She is a bully. I thought I would grow into puberty and
voila....I am ready to go into the world.
But it isn't like that. I hate my dad and all the fear
around sex has me persuaded and my dad ,,, but not my dad's
brother had me convinced I am a girl.
It is hard to believe someone cares because this idiot!
I have so much anger. And I kept thinking that I have this
gift that no one has. My aunt put a lot of shit in my
head. I always see her lying behind me .....saying scary
shit about my mom and....I had nooone to tell this too.
I would love to be in my therapists' office . But I developed
a pattern of spending all my doe and bingeeating all to
shut off my brain. And ...I have so much debt and I am
working constantly to heal my body because I neeed work.
I would love to travel. Today I thought I could be
a motivational speaker. I was thinking 'Toastmasters'.
Don't know ,,maybe I just need a wakeup call " Goran I am
only responsible for me."
This is good....but I cannot even think of my dad or my mom
ever again. 40 and having no intimate relationships.
I can blowup at him. I can hear him laughing at me
when I was very little and both him and his brother all
beat the shit out of me and I wasn't allowed to think, talk.
Only eat!
It is scary to think that this is my dad.
I only dream of them going in a mental state... where even
the doctors say " I don't want to talk to them! This is
sick...I think I want to hang it up! ( doctors scared straight). lol.
may be I should start writing make shit up and throw all
the names in there and all my ideas on how they can die
and that they have no one to talk to.
So they can be scared of my dad and my aunt and uncle.
So the people can wonder what to do with this crap
that actually have no mind but to screw me up.
Disgusting family.
I am going to a gay,bi group tonight ....but I sometimes
don't know how to share ...and how to not share too much!

I have a hard time concentrating. But boy do I love
you guys!!
Wish everyone lives the BEST FUCKING LIFE!!!
We absolutely deserve it!!

#472120 - 11/03/14 04:01 PM Re: i am so tired [Re: Sterling]
NoSimpleMachine Offline

Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
Really glad you typed up your thoughts here. Hope they bring you some healing.

You are a better soul than your upbringing told you you were, and that's not your fault the adults in your life filled your head with so much shame and poison. Be strong, love yourself, and take care smile
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

#472225 - 11/05/14 11:58 PM Re: i am so tired [Re: Sterling]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi Goran,

It seems so healthy to me that you are able to rant and rave here. Getting all that old poison out in print instead of keeping it inside is a very healthy thing to do, in my opinion. I have been very sick most of my life, and my mental sickness has had a big effect on my physical body. HOWEVER, I continue to show up and take it one day at a time, AND, I continue to grow and to heal.

My forties were a very challenging time for me, Goran, and they were also one of the most important passages in my life--important because that's when I BEGAN to be able to think for myself instead of my reference point for who I am being tied up outside myself. It was a time of peaks and valleys though.

Sending you love and support for you believing you are worth every ounce of effort it takes to go the distance. It sure has been worth it for me.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#472356 - 11/09/14 04:36 PM Re: i am so tired [Re: don64]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2203
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Thanks Don and NoSimpleMachine .

I need all the support I can get.


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