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#47073 - 12/18/03 05:37 PM I need to start somewhere
strongheart Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/03
Posts: 4
Loc: barrie, ontario, canada
This is my very first time visiting this web-site. I want to start off by thanking anyone and everyone who is responsible for this forum of discussion. I am also in awe of the strength of the members who have the courage to come forward and share their thoughts and feelings. It gives me an incredible amount of faith in myself, somehow, to know that it's not just me.

I'm 36 years old, and I was abused by an older cousin when I was 10 years old. It only happened once. An event that lasted about 15 minutes of my life has had lasted 26 years of my life. I've also suffered harsh physical abuse at the hands of my father who would repeatedly unleash his anger towards me with violence. As a result, I find it extremely hard to enjoy any kind of success at all in my field. (I'm a salesman of considerable talent) I can't ever seem to make any money. My level of comfort is extremely low, even though I have no money at all, I live in a boarding house, and don't even own a car. As I write this, I have stopped working, even though my paycheck tommorow will be less than $700 for the week. I'm in an industry that will allow me to make between $300-$1000 a day. Even though there are people I know who routinely make this, I never make that myself. I stop so short of my potential it makes me cry myself to sleep at night. I ask myself "When are to going to convince yourself that you deserve to have success?" I just want to love myself and get the things in life that any so-called normal person has. A car! Is that to much to ask? My personal life is in complete shambles. When I really like a girl, I go a thousand miles an hour, falling in love practically overnight. Needless to say, I've scared them away at a pretty quick pace as well. I was just seeing this beautiful girl this past month. As usual, I stepped on the gas pretty hard, and she told me she wants to see other people, and if I don't like it, too bad. All of this I can handle, to a certain extent. However, these events have caused me to ask some very painful questions. I want to know what I need to do to start believeing in myself. I don't need any rah-rah pep talks with myself, I need to radically overhaul how I perceive myself, and I need to somehow learn what it is to have high self-esteem, and how I can get it.

go safe, go well

#47074 - 12/18/03 06:22 PM Re: I need to start somewhere
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Welcome to our safe place. I'm so very sorry you need us, but I am glad your here. You asked
I want to know what I need to do to start believeing in myself.
Well there really isnt an easy answer to that. However you have started on the right road to find that answer in your life. Keep posting. Read the other post. If your looking from something try the search. Join us in the chat room if you have time.

You said you are in a job where you can make 300 to 1000 a day. You sell cars? lol I did that about 4 years. Any type of sells is a hard job to be in. ((((hugs brother))))) If you need anything feel free to pm me.

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#47075 - 12/18/03 07:53 PM Re: I need to start somewhere
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I like the name, it shows you want to move on. And we can, there are many of us here who are.

It's not easy, I'm not going to kid you on that score. But it's possible and worth every drop of effort.

You're making a good start as well, recognising that just one small incident of abuse, and a crappy upbringing by your father is enough to wreck your self esteem and therefore your life.
There is NO league table of abuse, so it doesn't matter one bit whether it's years of systematic abuse or one incident - it's abuse.
This is something 'outsiders' have some difficulty with.

The thing that I've found is that what actually happened - the sex - is just a part of the problem, often a small part as well. The big issue is the abuse of power, the breaking of trust, and the way the abuser transferred the guilt onto US.
Those are the hard things to deal with, there's others that you'll find as well - Im' sure.
But these things lie at the heart of having our self esteem ripped out.

If we haven't got that, what have we got left ?
Not much.

Stick around, there's so much good support and help here. And if you need some help just ask one of the Moderators, we're here to help.

Take care

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#47076 - 12/18/03 08:26 PM Re: I need to start somewhere
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Strongheart listen to my brothers for they speak the truth.
Welcome to our family. You will never be alone again. Just remember that ok.



#47077 - 12/18/03 09:39 PM Re: I need to start somewhere
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
WELCOME Strongheart. What a great name!
Welcome to the home of a whole family of survivors. Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#47078 - 12/19/03 09:20 AM Re: I need to start somewhere
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi, Strongheart,

Believe the brothers when they say they understand. They do.

I'd like to welcome you myself. I am sorry that you need the site, but you are here and I am glad you found us.

I too struggle with not living up to my potential. I think it goes hand in hand with abuse of any kind. Some folks get by in spite of it. I can only speak for myself when I say I couldn't until recently. Actually, I blocked it out. I was sevrely sexually abused by a counsellor when I was 11. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself.

When you're ready, try to get some help, a therapist to help you through the abuse. It's saved my life, as has Malesurvivor.

I hope you're not beating yourself up over what has happened with your life. It's not your fault, what you've had to deal with. What happened to you, it's wrong no matter how you slice it.

Again, welcome. I love you, brother, no strings.



There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#47079 - 12/19/03 11:06 AM Re: I need to start somewhere
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Welcome, Strongheart.

I've experienced that self-doubt, too. I thought I wasn't good enough to do a lot of things. I thought I wasn't worthy of receiving good things, even compliments.

For me the SA was just part of it. The physical and emotional abuse was the other part. I've found they were all twisted together and all contributed to my negative feelings about myself.

I am in the process of turning that around. It is taking a lot of time and effort but its worth it. Its not easy but I think, like me, you'll find a lot of support here. The guys here and what they write have helped me a lot along with seeing a therapist at the same time.

It took a while to learn to think of myself in a negative way (we're not born that way!) and it has/is taking a while to re-learn that I am a good, whole person worthy of good things in my life.

One of the big things I have had to learn is patience with myself. But change does happen. It is possible.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#47080 - 12/20/03 10:18 AM Re: I need to start somewhere
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Well, first, welcome here. I hope that you find this site as helpful and welcoming as I have. I have been through some ups and downs, even here, but everything has been a wonderful learning opportunity for me. This site has some of the best people I have ever met coming here on a regular basis.

I can understand some, of how the abuse affected how you feel about yourself, how you can not believe in yourself. I have always been very frightened of success, feeling I am not worthy of it, even when I have worked a great deal and very hard to achieve it. It is so sad, when you push so much toward some great reward, and are then afraid or ashamed to enjoy the results of that work.

How to start believing in yourself? Wow, If I have answer to that, I WILL be most successful person in world! I do not know the way to go about doing that, other than just pushing yourself to do it. It is a hard fight, at least for me, because it negates (wow, new word for me!) my own image of myself as a failure, as stupid, as lazy, as a piece of crap boy. But still, there are things each of us can do well. And there will be people who can tell us that. It is a matter of cleaning out our brain and ears and allowing ourselves to hear it! (not easy)

I wish you luck and success, and I hope that you return here as much as you wish and need. It IS a very helpful place.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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