Newest Members
jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo, Orko, molander
13593 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
coolcat (50), davids_wifey_xoxo (40), jjt (50), Kieran1 (65), terryj (61)
Who's Online
2 registered (takingitslow, ImNotTheOnlyOne), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,593 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,683 Topics
493,699 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#47044 - 06/18/01 02:53 AM my public share - life out of control.

Hi everyone,

I just acted out in a very destructive way. I insulted most of my wife's family and most of all betrayed my wife's trust and deeply hurt her.
After a wonderful day of fun and food at my wife's sister's house, I made the mistake of calling home to wish my father a happy father's day. I was relieved to end the call quickly due to bad reception from my cell phone.
My wife was anxious to give me a chance to connect with my family and even though I said I did not want to call again, insisted on dialing the number and handing me the phone. I wish she hadn't done that. I also wish I had carefully and wisely said, " I am relieved that the conversation was short this time. . .I do not want to speak with my brother (perpetrator) and he is there."
Instead, I picked up the cell phone and spoke with my mother who stated that they were all sitting down to grace and would I like to call back or make it short and sweet now? I was again excited at the chance to get off the phone that easily and said, "short and sweet would be great." The whole family of 11 relations shouted happy father's day through the phone, and we said goodbye. I thought I heard my perpetrator shout happy father's day on his own after the group so that he could be heard to speak alone and get through to me. I was disgusted and frightened and so glad to be able to hang up the phone.
My wife asked why I had cut it so short and I flipped out. Instead of saying how happy I was that it had gone so briefly and explaining how weird I felt hearing my brother's voice deliberately calling to me accross the many miles, I attacked her and went into full denial mode:
"Unlike your family, they were sitting down to eat together."
I defended my ludicrous attack for many minutes more while her family that was within earshot grew more offended and I tried to turn them against her and make them feel sorry for me.
As her anger grew, I started to remember the truth of my feelings and tried to say I was sorry, but my stupid angry words and denial had already caused damage. My 14 year old neice was crying, my wife's two sister's were fighting and my wife was flipping me the finger.
I caused a beautiful day to turn very ugly. My wife had cleaned the house, bought me an engraved ring, given me home-made pottery that she took the time to make with my son for me and made delicious love with me earlier today. I repayed her by being untruthful about my feelings and attacking her and her generous( though not perfect ) family.

I want to blame my wife for "forcing" me to call. ( she dialed the number and put the phone in my hand )
I want to blame my perpetrator.
I want to blame my parents for having him at their house for every holiday.
I do blame them, I also am trying to blame myself.
I am an angry man. I am a lecherous man.
I am a selfish man. I am a weak man.

I have not been taking care of my psyche for the last couple of years, and it is starting to show. The hardest part of being a survivor is having a good non-abusive relationship.

I need SIA meetings and I haven't made the time. I am not clear minded.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wow! do I need God and that prayer to be in my daily life.

Thankyou for providing a place where I can talk. I need this desperately... denial is craziness.

Quick scorecard:
My 1 brother is living in a peaceful cult and was a secondary perpetrator for me and possibly my sister as well as another of my brother's who went on to perpetrate my sister and I.
Another brother is sleeping with his cousin and was my sister's primary perpetrator and my primary perpetrator.
My sister is a cocaine/crack/heroin addict who recently overdosed and has never come to terms with her incest - she continues to socialize with and think well of both perpetrating brothers.
Calling home on holidays is very frightening for me due to the fact that I worry what could happen. Is my sister dead? Is she being abused? Is her daughter ok? Will I be expected to speak to my perpetrator? Will I hear his voice?
I am very screwed up and very unhappy.
I will write more each day. ( this is my attempt at erasing denial )

#47045 - 06/18/01 12:27 PM Re: my public share - life out of control.
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Just want you to know that i heard what you said.

My family was real toxic for me for a long time, parts of it still are. I stay away from those parts best i can.


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#47046 - 06/18/01 08:01 PM Re: my public share - life out of control.

Someone is listening. . .
I am in pain.
My father wrote me thanking me for calling and mentioned that everyone had a good time except my sister who was suffering back pain. My brother D the primary perpetrator attempted to help her - probably through massage. My blood is boiling. How dare my family let him near her!
He is not a massage therapist, he is a sexual freak/abuser. Having him touch my sister is the most wicked thing I can imagine.

In a "normal" family that would have been a kind act. My family is not normal!

D used to tell J (my sister) to "SMO" (Suck Me Off). He developed a code language so that he could say it at the dinner table. He would do this at family functions like Thanksgiving. My sister would go with him to the basement or bathroom and do what he wanted, then they would both return to the table and finish their meal.
I do not have access to information concerning how often this occurred, but common sense dictates that in order to have developed a code language it must have happened several times. What the *&*&^? Once is way too much for that kind of abuse.

I was not abused in that exact way, When I was around 9 years old,( a guess - I do not remember really how old I was ) my brother D used to leave his door open while he masturbated, encourage me to read pornography and on a couple of occasions, got naked and put my penis in his mouth - - once he had me reciprocate as the result of losing a card game. He always scared me.
After I went to college, D suggested that I sleep with him and his girlfriend. we had a menage a trois. I was not happy that that was how I lost my virginity. I felt that I wouldn't be cool if I said no. He had control over me. His girlfriend at that time was a girl I had wanted to date the year before and he had seduced instead.

The next year D asked me if I would F*&& him up the ass. I said no.
On my wedding night, D started conversations with me that provoked answers and spent until 4:00am in the bridal suite - my wife and I did not make love on our wedding night as a result. I was unable to tell him to leave.
I was lucky compared to my sister. Compared to many survivors, but the experience caused me to seek out unhealthy sexual experiences and allow men to use me for many years to follow.
I have to go home now.
Lord, help me to be a good man. Lord, help me to be a strong man. Lord, help my sister to get clean and honest and safe. Lord, erase my brother D from my life.

#47047 - 06/25/01 03:28 PM Re: my public share - life out of control.

We all take it out n the one we love. your wife loves you and did all those things for you. I know this is late but I'm new here. don't take it out on her. she doesn't deserve that. if you do that your just as bad as your attacker. don't go down to his level. don't make it so that this is all of your life and all that your kids see. youre better than that. I hope you did something nice for her.

#47048 - 07/01/01 11:04 AM Re: my public share - life out of control.

Boy is that true.
I feel completely insane.
I love my wife and she loves me. What is weird is I spend so much of my time being angry and bitter and I am not aware of it.

When I do realize how I have acted, I try to justify it by blaming my wife. When that doesn't work, I begin to see a different me and I don't like what I see:
I am verbally abusive and "scary". I am not a physically violent man and have never hit a loved one, but my persistent snappy responses when asked simple questions and desire for solitude at innapropriate times such as holidays make me very hard to live with.
My wife is a tremendous woman and her only fault is a bad sense of money management. I am thankful that I married her and that she still loves me. Did I do anything nice for her? Her birthday was that same week, I woke at 5:00am, went to the local flower market and purchased 7 dozen roses, an Azalea, and an Orchid. Then I bought her a new camera because she loves pictures.

What she says she wants from me is a loving story written down in a book. I haven't had the courage or love enough to create that for her. I am a lazy selfish jerk.

I have made this my avenue for recovery and learning. Thankyou for reading and responding.

#47049 - 07/01/01 02:38 PM Re: my public share - life out of control.

Good for you,man. I read somewhere that one of the big steps to recovery is to make amends with the people you hurt. your on your way! your wife sounds like a great lady, and i don't think there would be anything better than for you two to take care of each other. your very lucky.


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.