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#469580 - 09/01/14 10:27 PM I love you so I must let you go.
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
My dear, I am tired.

I am a man who has seen the way through the forest but who has taken too many wrong turns to continue.

Your way is beautiful and wonderful and peaceful and hopeful. And it requires much of me. I must shed so much of myself to walk by your side that there is almost nothing of me left at all.

You see, my darling, I come broken. I am pitted with holes and worries, fears and needs. It has become clear that no amount of wishing I was a different man actually makes me a different man. I can no longer abandon myself the way I have. And abandoning myself has been the only way to preserve your wonderful beauty.

I long for the magician who can transform me in to the man with no needs, but he has yet to visit me. And I am as yet unable to transform myself. Which leaves me still the man that causes you pain by being hurt myself.

The wounds I come with drag you down and destroy your Zen. I taint your peace and shatter your happiness. Please believe that I do not do so with intent my dear. I simply find it unbearable to hide the parts of me you would rather not see.

A better man perhaps could release his needs to nurture yours. But I am yet to become that man.

My darling, I am different to you. But I wish I were not. I pray so often to be transformed in to the man I know you wish I were. For it is when I manage to hold that mask long enough that you love me the most. And now I am tired. I have fought and battled and struggled with myself to be only the parts of me you love. But the ugly parts live on. The needy parts, the lonely parts, the jealous parts and the part that wants to interact with your sexual side as much as your intellectual side. They live and breathe and cause you pain.

Can you understand that I am not asking you to change? I accept you just as you are and long for the day when I can change to meet you there. The day that I can be the man I can see you need. Perhaps that day will be tomorrow. However I have had that hope for too many yesterdays to believe that still.

What a beautiful story we could be. Me standing faithfully by your side, dedicated to you and wanting nothing but your company. Patiently waiting for you to find your way, knowing you would find your way back to me.

But I am a weaker man than that.

I cannot lie about my want for you, my need for you and my unhealthy, selfish and total dependence on you.

Please rejoice in the fact that I saw you and I felt you and that I agree with you.

Your way is better. It is more beautiful, more pure and perfectly lovely.

I am simply unable to do it with you.

My love, this isnít goodbye. This is surrender. God knows Iíve tried to change but I am no longer willing to be the blockade to your happiness I thus far have been.

You are beautiful and wonderful and everything I ever dreamed of. Be that still. And perhaps we will make love in our dreams. And there you can have the parts of me you love most. You can have me as I wish I were too.

I love you. And that is why I must let you go. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your love. I have.

With a planet heavy heart, I love you. I always will.


#469807 - 09/08/14 02:19 AM Re: I love you so I must let you go. [Re: Esposa]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 541
Loc: NY

There's a lot here that is identifiable in my life.

It reminds me of when my kids' mom left. It was then that I began to realize how I had been a "blockade to her happiness".

Since leaving me she has thrived and struggled. As I have.

When we were together there was some experience of "total dependence". She made dots connect for me that I refused to see or do anything about.

Since leaving her, I've made a lot more dots connect, on my own. And she's done a few of those too, on her own.

So it seems that life is about letting go so that someone else can grow.

And life is also about having the courage to ask for what you need.

I wonder if the fear of filling in holes and connecting dots can initially feel overwhelming, even as we do it, little by little, day by day.

Underneath all the letting go might be a fear. A fear of the unknown. A fear of trusting. A fear of sharing pain. A fear of love, perhaps.

Just a few thoughts,

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#470700 - 10/02/14 04:40 PM Re: I love you so I must let you go. [Re: Esposa]
help4aCSAspouse Offline

Registered: 09/02/14
Posts: 2
Since I have experienced both sides of this issue (I was the molested/abused/raped codependent unhealthy wife and am married to a male CSA) I can only speak to this from my experiences.

There is hope. There is always hope. I just needed to choose hope, to choose life, to choose forgiveness, to choose humility, to choose to follow a great God that would take me through these steps. And to take me through the steps again when I needed a reminder. A God that I could depend on. God-dependent. Not codependent, not spouse dependent, not self dependent.

I was transformed. I am being transformed. It wasnt and is NOT easy. BUT I AM WORTH IT. My children were and are worth it. My grandson is worth it. My spouse is worth it. GOD IS WORTH IT!

Now this letter reads similar to many a response I would receive from my male CSA husband.

"I know you and our son are trying to grow and I want that too but I just cant (read wont) do that. I have done too much to believe you will ever be able to forgive me (read I have done to much to believe 'I' will ever be able to forgive me)" and so on....

"I'm tired of hurting you and our son. I haven't been the man you deserve, that God wants for you."

Okay. But please be authentic and tell me that you realize you can change. You have the resources, tools, and support to change; however, change is not something that you will risk for fear of it not going the way you planned, in your timeframe, with the only requirements being those with which you are most comfortable.

But fear of abandonment CREATES his view of abandonment.
I can't abandon someone who will not submit himself to God's will, or sacrifice his vulnerability and let things fall as they may..
There was never anything there to abandon.

Once he can ADMIT that... just that:
That his decision is not one of self sacrifice for MY benefit but of avoiding the fear of being loved for HIS benefit,
THEN he will begin to heal that which he fears...

AND he will heal himself and be the man GOD needs him to be.
NOT for me, but for HIM.
HE will feel the love he has so longed to feel. God's love. He should be healing himself. Loving himself. If he decides to do that then this healthy sense of God's love for himself will spread out into all the people he comes across in his life.
Including me. Including his son.
It just happens.
It's simple and easy and one of the most difficult things he will ever do at the same time.

I have so much empathy for all of us struggling with this realization.
That I create that which I fear.
That I am responsible, now as adults with awareness, for the difficult task of retraining my brains....renegotiating my self realization and carrying this new awareness into the rest of my life.
I deserve to do it for myself. And I need to take responsibility when I don't.
And so do YOU.
Because we are all worth it.
As are the people in our lives who we have hurt with our brokenness.
Let's not let these generational curses carry on. Let's take our lives back from this world and all it's promises/lies.

If someone wants to be the man I need or deserve him to be then HE WILL BECOME THAT.
We are the only ones that can choose what our life looks like and if we need help to make healthy choices and heal our pain and past then that is what we do. If we need specialized medications and therapy plans to combat the Complex PTSD and Ultradian Cycling BiPolar1 biochemical changes in our bodies due to our abuse then that is what we do.

Then, define want.
Is it an ideal or value? You spend time and focus doing things that are values. You spend time hoping and longing for things that are ideals.

I pray that we all have an authentic look into ourselves and quit romanticizing the drama in our lives.


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