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#469383 - 08/26/14 11:33 PM Where to begin...
VASurvivor Offline

Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 66
Loc: Virginia
Hi. I am grateful for being referred to this group. My first abuse was at age 7 by a babysitters' son, the same age as me. Then at age 15, I responded to an ad for "help with computers" and the 50+ y.o. man put in a porn video while I was there and made me watch it.

Since age 7, I have carried the shame, self-blame (it felt good), and anger. At age 15, with all the hormones raging, all that was reinforced, but now I minimized the effects of the whole situation.

For 20 years, I sought help - church, ministries, etc. Everything reinforced that I was a bad egg.

Fortunately, after 13 years of a tormented marriage, my wife sought help - that was about 2 years ago. Our therapist is the best in the world as far as I am concerned.

Unfortunately,6 weeks ago, a combination of deep loneliness and depression, mixed with a new-ish courage found in counseling, caused me to go outside my marriage. Even know my wife knew my struggles of same-sex attraction, she experienced betrayal.

Our therapist says that many couples never get to the stage of communication that we are at, but right now trust has been broken and we are both angry and confused.

I too hesitate to blame my adult actions on my inner hurting child, but the truth is a child does not consider the consequences of his/her actions and that is what happened. I am deeply regretful - my wife and I love each other so very much - but I can only work on me, which I have been trying since all this started 34 years ago.

I wish I knew how to meet her where she is, while still being able to meet my wounded self where I am, but it's too painful. She was asking questions about the situation when I was 7, and I couldn't breathe. I guess I haven't unpacked the whole trunk yet, but she is now hurting as well.

Additionally, I tracked down the abuser from when I was 15 - he's now 79 and still lives in the same town. God only knows how many others, and to what degree he abused them. I have filed a report with the DA's office there, but they were not terribly helpful, as it happened so long ago. I have also contacted an attorney who has handled recent cases, but who knows if they will take the case on contingency - I'm sure they're checking the guy's assets first to see if it's a case they can make money off of. Though it has felt empowering to tell my story to authorities, I feel am in limbo trying to get anyone to listen...

I have also found the guy who abused me when I was 7. Unfortunately, I cannot get his phone number. I want understanding. I can have empathy for him; since we were the same age, he had to have learned it from someone older.

...but I suppose it is a start.

Edited by VASurvivor (08/26/14 11:34 PM)

I wasn't gay. I was abused and confused.

#469396 - 08/27/14 09:17 AM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
traveler Online   confused

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4231
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
VA Survivor -

This is a very good place to begin - though it sounds as if you are well started already.

Welcome to our community. i am sure you will find acceptance, wisdom, resources, and comradeship here. you are among those who understand and are willing to share from their experience. many of us have been where you find yourself now.

there is hope - things can get better.

feel free to participate as you are able. ask questions, make comments, start threads, or add to existing ones. i look forward to getting to know you and more of your story when you are ready.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#469416 - 08/27/14 07:09 PM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1123
Loc: Southern US
....but I suppose it's a start

And I think you've made a great start. Accepting that what happened, happened is so very, very necessary to begin the healing and recovery. As one who spent wasted years in denial, I can guarantee that brushing it aside as if nothing happened doesn't solve anything.

As you've found, three steps forward and one step backward is sort of frustrating, but it is moving forward, no matter how slowly. It seems as if you, your wife and T will be able to deal with this set back, and I hope soon, and with a minimum of anxiety.

Welcome to MS. And as you are comfortable doing do, I look forward to your insights in dealing with both CSA and SSA.

Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.

#469418 - 08/27/14 07:31 PM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
Nothing Man Offline

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1109
Loc: Ohio
Welcome, and I am sorry for the reasons you are here. You will find compassion, understanding and help here.

I wish you peace and healing.
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

#469465 - 08/29/14 12:36 AM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
lapchinj Online   content

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Hey VA

Sorry you have to be here but I think you will meet fellow survivors here willing to help a fellow survivor. Being in therapy together with your wife is a great advantage in your road to healing. There is a ton of resources here and don't be afraid to use them.

Yes it is a great start. Get involved, you never know how your thoughts and words can also help a fellow survivor.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#469470 - 08/29/14 01:38 AM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Agreed VA, you've made a great start. Far ahead of myself when I arrived at MS.

The same-sex acting out that you describe may or may not be a deal-breaker for your marriage. I hope you are able to salvage what you've been working for with her. The fact that she hasn't yet pulled the plug may be a good sign, but don't let yourself forget: YOU betrayed HER so its YOUR responsibility to help her heal the pain you caused her. There's no judgement from me VA, been there myself.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#469491 - 08/29/14 04:47 PM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
a great beginning...

welcome to and thank you
for telling us about your
empowering experiences.

I hope you find peace and love and reconciliation in your marriage.
I am still looking... but at least we are still together after 30 years.



#469688 - 09/04/14 07:43 PM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
finallyhere Offline

Registered: 08/09/14
Posts: 80
Loc: Midwest
VA- 34 years together here. Not sure when mine started lots of early memories I am not sure how they fit but about 7 yrs old a teenage neighbor exposed himself. That confrontation certainly stuck in my head. Then as I was the youngest and least mature at school about age 12 another kid slightly older took it to the level of abuse that has been what I consider the real onslaught of it all. I married at 19 almost 20, thought I could just shake it off an it would be gone. Wrong. In 6 years those feelings rose up and returned with a vengeance I fought for years not knowing where they came from really. It was then that I stepped out. I did not understand how what happened was the cause of PTSD that was creeping in. I blamed myself. Why, why, why. Tried church assistance nothing provided me answers. Had many therapists. Put my wife through heck and then some. We love each other too and that is the only explanation as to why she is here that I can see. I've though about confronting the guy, seriously considered it. I believe he too must have learned it somewhere. He was a new friend in jr. high. It went on 6 yrs till I said enough. I always felt lower than dirt about myself. Although I became great at hiding it and compartmentalizing my life it has only been now with a new counselor,EMDR, understanding triggers, understanding when I feel so low about myself that is when I am so vulnerable. I do have a lot going for me and that is what you have to focus on. I know the pain of your wife, I see it in mine. We are repairing it yet again now. Better for you since you are starting sooner. I truly believe that MS is the best thing that has happened to me. I don't feel so alone and even when my wife has had enough and tells me how low of a person I am (in no uncertain terms) I can fight my selfish desire for pity and know it is only out of pain she speaks. Then things get better. I am looking forward to a recovery here that will continue without looking back and hope the same for you.

Edited by finallyhere (09/04/14 07:45 PM)

#469771 - 09/07/14 02:42 AM Re: Where to begin... [Re: VASurvivor]
Seekingwisdom Offline

Registered: 07/19/14
Posts: 25
Hello VA welcome here, I too am grateful for MS for many reasons but some main reasons are that I find I'm not alone in this journey and not alone feeling shame, guilt, loneliness and pain as well as understanding more about those feelings and where they come from.

I'm sorry for your abuse and that you need to come to this sight at all, having said that, I'm glad you're here and sharing its painful but so so necessary for healing.

I hope and pray that your marriage heals also, I've been married for 35 years and it has survived many trails but that what makes it strong in the long run. I'm sorry for both you and your wife's pain; hang in there brother.

Thanks for sharing you have helped me in that I won't take any triggers lightly and that my marriage is worth fighting for I hope that's not too selfish of me I just want you to know by sharing you help your recovery and many others that need your words of wisdom and reading your journey as painful as it can be.



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