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#46946 - 07/20/01 04:50 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Brian B14 Offline

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York

I agree with you. We all have pain and we all have difficult days. When I find myself feeling down and can't seem to get myself out of it (which occurs more that most of you would believe), I go out of my way to try to comfort someone else. This does a couple of things: 1) it helps someone else 2) it changes my focus off my own issues (UNTIL I can better deal with them) 3) In helping others I feel better about myself and 4) it helps me understand that this whole recovery thing is a "process" and that I don't have to be perfect all the time. I will have good days and bad days and even on my bad days, I can still do something positive (for myself and others).

For those of you who are saying "Sure Brian..., thats easy for you to say". I would offer the following, "NO.... Its NOT easy for me to say. And its NOT easy for me to do either. But I do it anyway." I believe I am worth the effort and I believe all of you are worth the effort too!!!

God Bless all of you,


[ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]

#46947 - 07/20/01 11:12 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories

I believe everything you say Brian. I read your posts and you are a big comfort to everyone here, I think. it sounds like you really got your act together.

I agree with abcd too. I know that I blamed the abuse for alot of things. I think I;m dealing with the abuse ok right now but I'm not where I want to be. I'm not the person I want to be. I was a better person before and I want to be again. everyone should print those two messages and read them everyday.

#46948 - 07/29/01 06:37 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Brian and abcd,

Wow, you guys rock!

Those are powerful words, and I hope that they help some people to heal themselves.

I can definitely identify with the need (well, maybe "calling" is better) to help other people. I come from a family whose jobs are improving other people (Dad: teacher, Mom: teacher, then paralegal, Uncle: minister, Aunt: social worker), and helping others just feels right.

It is odd that I found myself in a job dealing with abused kids, because when I got into this work, I hadn't had any memories of abuse. Until about 9 months ago, I worked with probation AND social service teens. I was getting burned out doing that, so I moved to working with 4-12 year olds, and they're ALL social service kids (physical, emotional, sexual abuses, or neglect).

But before I made that move, I was convinced that I needed to get away from the population of abused kids, and work with "normal" kids; I planned to become a grade school teacher.

Now that I've found my fit with the new job, and recovered my memories, I'm convinced that I want to STAY in the field, working with abused kids, and somehow share my knowledge, and help the healing of others, so that they don't have to go down the paths that most people here had to. Isn't that how species evolve? They learn from the mistakes from the past, and move on to a future. If humans didn't have to waste so much time re-inventing the wheel, we could spend our time blazing new territory.

The agency philosophy for my work talks about "ending the cycle of abuse" by helping our kids to break out of the patterns of behavior (acting out, taking responsibility of actions, etc) that they are used to exhibiting, and help them grow to be full-functioning human beings. We provide a safe environment, and teach them as best we can right from wrong, how to play nice with others, and hopefully to trust adults again. I really love my work, and these kids' lives would break my heart, if I didn't see them growing and changing even in the short 3 months that we have them; I see hope for their futures (as long as the place they go to is as nurturing and consistent as our place).

The fact that my memories waited 24 years to show themselves means that I've had time to grow mostly into the person I wish I was. I've stumbled a few times along the way, but one of those stumbles woke me up to becoming who I wish I was: a man of integrity. That part is intact, mostly. But integrity also means "being whole," and admitting my abuse to my friends also included admitting my doubts about my sexuality, which was only compounded, due to a desire to crossdress since a young age. So, yeah, there are some new challenges involved.

I don't really know why, but I get so much more hopeful as I write on this board, compared to the fears that I share with my best friend.

But that hope also leads me to wanting to work as an advocate in the world at large for victims of abuse. I'm still working out what exactly I want to do, but I want to be a part of "the good fight." This is kind of simplistic (coming out of my recent experience at the San Diego Comic Convention), but I want to be a hero. Not a superhero, but one of the ordinary people in this world that decides that some things are worth fighting for, and fights them. Anyone see "Three Kings?" One of the best lines in that movie:"The way this works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of and you get the courage after you do it. Not before you do it." "That's a dumb ass way to work. It should be the other way around." "I know. That's the way it works."

I've worked with abused kids for just over 4 years now. The earlier we can get them out of the situation, the better shot they have at a normal life. But far better than removing the kids from an abusive environment, is for there NOT to be one in the first place. That's not realistic, but until our society takes these atrocities seriously, and we decide, as a culture, that incest and abuse are not simply taboo, but something we will DO SOMETHING about, things will remain the same.

I feel something like a hypocrite talking about breaking the silence, when only 4 friends, and therapists (and you guys) know the situation, but I hope that will change in time. I want to be one of the people that will help affect that change.


[ 07-29-2001: Message edited by: Just Call me J ]

[ 08-01-2001: Message edited by: Just Call me J ]

We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#46949 - 07/29/01 11:03 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
40 years ago! I'm not even that old but I do have this to offer. I have no doubt my abuse happened. I have some very vivid memories of some abuse that I'm not sure really happened that way. I have vague recollections of some abuse that is coroberated by others. Though I can say the same about positive life changing events from about the same time that doesn't seem to quell my need to know exactly what abuse happened and how. I wish I put as much energy in to remembering every detail of my first camping trip(11), my first new bike(13), and who was the first girl to hold my hand or kiss me? Sometimes I wish I didn't remember so well.

Last Christmas I returned home and found myself driving through a neighborhood where a lot of stuff happened. 4 years of abuse that was coroberated by a class mate but for which I am unsure of any of the details. I only know for sure that he was with me and it happened near his house and included two local businesses and the metro bus. At Christmas it seemed easy to shake off that feeling of dread. Over the two months after returning home and to work I got worse. My boss commented on my lack of job performance. My friends commented on my emotional distance. My therapist commented on my slow deterioration. I was in denial for most of the time. in hind sight i know i was refusing to feel. I took me another month of feeling like shit and talking about it ad-naueam with my support group before I was able to put it behind me. I'm no closer to remembering any more of the details but I do feel confidant I could drive down that street again without going to pieces. more important, it's just a little bit easier to talk about.

#46950 - 07/30/01 09:34 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
my abuse began at such a young about 2 1/2 that my memories are so jumbled.... a sound of a wind chime set off distinct memories but my real memories began at my grandmother's funeral.....the last time i saw my uncle....8 years ago.....the molester nightmares started......over and over and over......the memories of being 4 and not wanting to be the slave anymore.....wanting to be hercules so that my "slaves" would perform oral sex on did i even know about oral sex at 4??????? this is not an imagined memory it has been with me since i was 4......i was 4 1n 1962......not exactly the blow-job era........why have i never been able to have sex with anybody....guy or girl.....although i've had many, many opportunities with both.....why do i think of killing myself every minute of the day?????? WHEN WILL I FINALLY HAVE THE COURAGE TO JUST DO IT??????? if you'd like to talk to me, my e-mail is not, that is ok too....take care of yourself.....michael

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