I think people who weren't abused wouldn't get this, and many would probably call it being prudish or represssed or something, but there have been times when I would be watching a movie or even just notice a poster, and it would trigger a lot of negativity in me. I'm talking about the typical media images that get attention by showing off the female form. I'm not talking about pornography or other gratuitious or explicit images. Right now what I'm talking about, for example, is super hero movies. GI Joe, Avengers, etc. The women wear such tight clothing, all custom-made, I'm sure, and designed for a certain look. What got to me was how these things got my attention. I felt so easily manipulated, thinking, "I'm looking exactly where they want me to look." I really hate being so predictable adn controlable. And it also made me think that I was pretty easy for Mom to manipulate, too. Sometimes she made comments like, "I know what you're looking at if there was a magazine add or something on tv, etc." I think if she even thought like that, then I think it was on her mind when she would come to my door in the mornign only half dressed. Even writing about this triggers some of the same feelings: the shame and self-incrimination, the being worth less because I am so predictable. But I didn't come here to get to a bad place, I came because things are actually getting better. Tonight I watched Guardians of the Galaxy with my family (think i got the title right) and, again, the costumes for the women characters are a bit extreme, and I noticed, and I noticed that I was noticing. But it didn't bother me, I just figured this was a part of my make-up. Writing about that progress just now, and giving background triggered some of the same old feelings, but watching teh movie didn't. So, I call that progress, but I didn't post it in the progress forum because I'm interested if other survivors of female abuse can relate at all.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy