Texas greetings my fraternal brothers.
It was exactly five years ago when i had hit rock bottom, emotionally, mentally & physically, almost one year + to the day i found MS.
I was in the middle of a 12 week PTSD group therapy at my local VA Medical Center.
And about two weeks until my advanced level WoR at Alta, Utah.
Fortunately i had OnStar in my pickup, as i was heading for a complete emotional & mental breakdown.
My heart was beating like a fast drum, I broke out in a cold sweat, my eyes were tearing as & i couldn't see the road.
Fortunately i had the VA (Veterans Admin's) suicide hotline. I pulled off the road & called their number & a very calming soft sweet female voice answered my plea for help. She stayed with me with her soft voice & got me calmed down a bit where i could answer her questions.
At that time i was about 80 miles away & she asked me if i thought i could after i had calmed down drive myself to the VA Med Ctr. I told her yes, she told me that they will be waiting for me & just pull up to the emergency room door & they will take care of me.
First i got to talk to a shrink & he "suggested" that i be locked up at their mental health facility forty miles away for atleast the weekend. I took his "suggestion" and was sent back to the emergency room where they processed my admittance forms.
I was told to sit down in a certain area & when i did there was a armed VA police officer standing next to me. Then i had all my vitals checked & then he (the officer) escorted me to a changing room where i donned VA hospital clothes & they took inventory of my valueables(sp). After about two hours there i was transported to their mental health ward 94B, forty miles away.
Then my actions or i should say young Pete's finally hit me when they backed up the van into a closed area & onto a padded elevator. OMG what have i done, what have i gotten myself into?
Long story short, i was locked up & under a 15 minute suicide watch, over night. I was interviewed by a shrink & she told me that i'll be transfered to the other side where i will not be alone, but still under watch along with the other patients there.
I was being observed unknown to me as she had street clothes on & came over to where i was sitting. What are you reading Pete? I'm reading the last unclassified updated report on the Cuban Missle Crisis. Heck she told me i wasn't born back then.
I told her that i was a perticipant in it. I was a aerial photographic film processor & printer in the 363d Tac Recon Wing Reconnaissance Technical Squadron, deployed to MacDill, AFB, Florida. We were the Air Force part of the aerial reconnaissane being flown over the island. The Navy was the other.
Well Pete, how do you feel about being a part of history?
Well, ma'am i'm still trying to convince myself that those words seared into this young boys heart, mind, body & soul were false, my "mom" you are worthless, you are useless, you were the wrong one that survived a premature birth (my twin sister didn't survive. And you will never amount to anything. Plus she was sexually abusing me along with the rest. That's why i am here right now ma'am. I had lost all hope in myself. I thgought i was too old 69 1/2 years old to deal with it & got myself overwhelmed & ready to end my pain forever. I was standing at the gates of hell, perhaps ready, willing & able to cross that line. When a young boys voice came to me, Pete make the most important phone call of your life. I did & here (we) he & his bigger self are. Trying to heal from things of 50+ years ago.
Well, Pete nice talking to you i'll see you around.
Come Monday morning i was told that i'm going to be evaluated to see if i can be discharged. With daily contact with my PTSD shrink OK?
Yes, i think that i'm allright & have no desire to harm myself. Well Pete we'll process your release papers & get you back to the Med Ctr. You have all sorts of help in your corner, here at the VA, your MS web site & your upcoming & intence emotionally, mentally & physically weekend.
Good luck Pete, we wish you well in healing.
So here both young Pete & his bigger self are on our journey to heal together.
Here with my family of fraternal brothers, whom have helped me over these past five + years.
There is help out there for us, mental help, no shame in asking for it. It just might help save your life.
Heal well, my fraternal, brothers, Heal well.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.